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Thursday, February 13, 2014

Valentine Day 2014: Yahoo To The Rescue!

Dear muffin, I am hopelessly distracted by thoughts of you. Your strong square jaw has inspired a thousand works of art. When we are apart, the color is gone from the world. Your love is my north star, going me to true happiness.

Your partner/spouse/mistress/hot chick-and/or-sexy-dude-next-door-who-does-not-know-you-exist is (or are) the most important thing to you. You will give them anything, especially on special super lovey-dovey Valentine day, right? Time to book that romantic dinner at that overly-priced restaurant he/she has been nagging you about! Wait, you just blew your whole saving for that awesome bearded mug which supposedly make you the manliest man at the office and/or ridiculously uncomfortable killer heels that you bought just because a celebrity is caught wearing one and couldn't even afford a cheap wine and dine at home? And you are also allergic to flowers and have chocolate-phobia? And to top that you think this Valentine day is over-rated and you do not want to participate in such greedy corporate event, but you know you got to join the throng to get that mm-mm-you-know-what (or at least to make sure he/she wouldn't leave you for thinking you are such an unromantic asshole)? Well my friend, Yahoo has come to the rescue!!

Introducing: Yahoo special autocompose! For a limited time you can ask Yahoo to compose a special love note just for your special someone (which is probably the same thing someone else send to their special someone) for no extra charge!! Selected words include: "I am awash at the great ocean of your love" and "Your love is my north star" (for Crazy in Love), or "There should be a national holiday in your honor" (for Friendly Love), and the great passive aggressive piece of "Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken" (for Out of Love). It's a true gem and a life saver.

Here's other samples, starting from the Crazy In Love selection:

To my beloved,

Everything you do is the most perfect thing that has ever been done. The warmth of your love could protect me from the harshest winter. Your intelligence and brilliant wit bring me to my knees. I am awash in the great ocean of your love

Lovesick and dizzy with anticipation,


Dear muffin,

I am hopelessly distracted by thoughts of you. Your voice is sweeter than caramel. I love you more than the mountaintops love the horizon. If you were an animal, you'd be a blue whale because they have the largest heart of any living creature. 

Hugs and kisses times infinity,

Now on to Friendly Love....

To my big-hearted friend,

You know what's funny? Of course you do, you have a great sense of humor. Animals and babies seem to like you, and that speaks volumes about your character. You're somebody I would call if my car broke down and I needed a ride. I appreciate that your clothes always seem to be freshly pressed. 

Most sincerely,


Dear colleague,

Have I told you lately that I love you? You know, I've never seen you litter! Not once! I wish you could hear all the nice things people say about you all the time. Basically, everyone should strive to be more like you. 

With friendly love,

And here comes the heart-broken piece....

Dear Madam,

We can't run. We can't hide. Who needs hugs and kisses? Okay, me, a little bit. As far as I'm concerned, candlelit dinners are a safety concern. Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken? 

Never mind,

And the last gem....

Dear platonic Valentine,

Chocolate-shmocolate. Roses-shmoses. Love-shmove. I'm flushing every candy heart I see. Join me, won't you? It's a take-out dinner kind of day. If you need me, I'll be in the Honeymoon Suite at the Heartbreak Hotel

I want a refund,

Seriously, this is some good stuff. Especially the heart-broken ones, such passive-aggressiveness!! But then again, what else would make someone flutter than to be told their clothes are always neatly pressed and than he/she never litter? Seriously good stuff. Nay sayer would argue that you can always Google the necessary templates which would be far more superior than this poor-dimwitted-one-size-fit-them-all masterpiece, but this autocompose only need a single click! Well, technically 3: one to click on the compose button, one to click on the category, and one to click send. And you will also need to put the person's e-mail address. But hey, still easier than Googling and illegally copy-paste the templates!

Unromantic men and women everywhere, this is your savior for such dreadful day. Now let's say in unison: THANK YOU YAHOO!!!! ;) ;) ;) 

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