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Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Dream a Little Dream Tonight

"Heeyyy .... Miss youuu much... I am very happy for you dear.. You got exactly the life that I am dreaming of hihihihihi.... I am really happy for that..." - A friend's message

My friend's message left me speechless. I know my life is good, and I am happy for it, but did I dreamed of this life? The sad reality is, I never dreamed. Oh yes, I had my share of fantasies just like anybody else: me being excel in my work and adored by others, me being a fabulous writer, me being loved and wanted, me retaliate against those who wronged me, etc. But it was merely a fantasy, a short-lived daydream. A real dream would work as a talisman against all negative thoughts and propelled me further, up up towards the star. It is both passion and ambition, and will make my life so complete that when Grim Reaper finally came I can grin back and say: I did it, man! But I never had any. I was too lazy to change, to dream and to achieve that dream. I am a conformist, I am highly adaptable on any kind of situation thus eliminating the need to change. You need a good, strong, solid reason to change, to dream. I made my life so easy and enjoyable that there is no reason to leave my comfort zone and dream of a better life. 

Then my partner came, and he made me dream. It started out slow: a desire to keep him mine, a desire to be with him physically, a desire to have someone I can share my life with. These desires lead to dreams: dream of having someone that speaks with me lovingly every day (even if it's only on text), dream of going to US to be with him, dream of spending a fulfilling lifetime with him. Slowly but sure I have achieved all the goals in my list, completing my dream. And now what's next? I spent a couple of months trying to snap myself out of my comfort zone. My partner keep urging me to write, to achieve more from my life. But I was too happy to be with him. I don't need to dream anymore, to fly out of my comfy nest. I had him and was thoroughly content with the simple life I led right now. The only thing I need is a job, and as soon as I got a job we will live happily ever after. The end. Or that's what I think. I was so wrong.

Last Saturday I woke up from my nap to the sound of him playing his resonant guitar. The sound of music he made lulled me and soon I was drifted to sleep again. It was so relaxing it had somewhat narcotic effect on me, and my heart was filled with such calmness and joy it almost felt like I could've died that day and will have absolutely no remorse for my life. Last night he rolled in his sleep to hug me. I felt electrified and tears swelling up in my eyes. That simple gesture reminded me the deep bond we have, the special kind of love we both possessed and shared. Maybe my friend did dream of this special kind of love, but not me. It was the kind of love told in story books and comics and movies: one that can shook the world with its intensity, one that can made others look in awe and spread happiness inside their heart too. But in my mind this kind of love is reserved for someone as pretty as Helen of Troy, as smart as Cleopatra, as innocent as Juliet. It is not the kind of love someone like me would have, someone who is "not [insert positive adjective] enough". Yet despite my low self-projection, I had exactly that kind of love.

As I write this article I realize I had dreamed all along: a dream to be accepted and loved. Even as I killed the dream in my head and convinced myself I don't deserve that privilege, subconsciously I made decision towards it: escaping from a relationship I was not happy with (yet refuse to acknowledged my unhappiness), my strive to find a companion for life, my trials and errors in hope to find someone who will accept and love me. Even before he looked at me in awe and tell me how special I was, even before his constant encouragement and thus fixing my low self-confidence, even before I believe I deserve to dream and to have a shot at my dream, even before all that I have dreamed. The love I shared with my partner is a dream that I have subconsciously achieve. It is something that you can't take from any human: their ability to dream. Even as they convince they do not (deserve to) dream, deep inside that sliver of hope, that fragment of dream lives on. It is a part of our survival as human: to be better, to be content, to to be happy. 

I had always called myself a writer-to-be, or a writer-in-process. My partner cut that shit and said I am a writer and it's time to write like a writer should be. I was willing to try full time writing for him, to fulfill his wish. But not anymore. Today I realize perfectly that I can be anything I want, and I should be anything I want. And I want to be a writer. I want to sway people with my words and touch their lives and made them enjoy life just like I do, all with the help of words. He has his dream of getting the best of me, of making me bloom and thrive with all the potentials that I had. Yet his faith in me backfired. I always stumbled and paralyzed myself, unable to make good progress for fear of disappointing him. That is why it is so wrong to live for someone else's dream. You can try but you will never succeed, not with your full potential; because in the end it was not what you wanted to be, it's what they wanted to be. I wanted to write for myself, and I don't care if I don't succeed. Should I fail the only heart I would break is myself, and knowing myself I would be amazed if I don't just get up and try again. I am the keeper of my own destiny and dream.

I can (consciously) dream because of the faith and support my partner has given me, and numerous encouragement from people who read my writing. And when I achieve this dream, I am ready to dream bigger dreams and achieve them as well. This knowledge is empowering, gratifying, and I wish to share it with the world. It takes all kinds of things to trigger change, to dream. Some people, like me, need assurance that they are entitled to dream. Some people dream out of necessities, because life was already so bad it couldn't get worse anymore. But it was always there: the need to be better, to be content, to be happy. And nobody can take that away from you. You can always dream, no matter what.

Dream a little dream tonight my dear, because you are entitled to it. Write your biggest, most daring wish in a piece of paper and look at it. Look at those words intently and visualize how you can achieve it, and how you feel when you achieve it. Don't shy away and say, "Oh, I couldn't do it anyway. It's too [expensive/far/impossible/any excuse you wish to use] for me." or do the old run-around of "I don't want it that badly anyway". Stay with it, visualize it, dream that dream, and see how the doors of opportunity would unlock themselves to allow you get what you dreamed for. It may look like a labyrinth or an endless path, but stick with it. Just like Alice that had to keep walking on the opposite direction to get to the Garden of Live Flower in Lewis Carrol's Through The Looking Glass, sometimes the road you took may seemed to drove your further away from what you dreamed of. But never lose hope and keep your dream alive, held to it tightly like a compass that will lead your way. Dream my precious, dream. You are entitled to it.

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