Let's Talk About Sex

I once dated a guy who insisted that I have had sex with two guys at the same time. I remember it hurt me so bad and I was trying to convince him I was not that kind of girl.

Looking back, he should've been proud if it was true. I mean, if I can get double the pleasure but I am still loyal to his dick, doesn't it say something about his sexual prowess?

The same guy, after a bitter break up, was accusing me of sleeping with all of my [new] boyfriend's friends. Which is a lot. I cried in humiliation that time, because it was not true.

Now I see it differently. Hey, at least one of us got laid. And again, if he can make me loyal to him despite all the men I could have f*cked, doesn't it say something about himself?

I wish I can tell you that this guy is a hardcore conservative Southeast Asian man with obvious patriarchy and self-confidence issue, but nope. He's your regular white American Joe.

Which shows that derogatory link between women and sex is not confined only to remote conservative area of the world. Like stupidity and ignorance, it's everywhere.

Another guy once told me that in the wake of sexual accusations, it is important that men played it safe and not making any move unless the women initiate it.

Great logic, but how do you describe 'initiate'? Is it by a play of words? Touches? How we dressed or where we take this guy? How, precisely, can we give consent?

For instance, me being flirtatious is not a sign of consent. My social media presence is filled with innuendos and lewd jokes, for fuck's sake. That's how I roll. That's who I am.

Neither should I be considered 'inviting' if I wore a skimpy dress at the club, because believe me, it can get extremely hot and suffocating there.

The easiest, I guess, is for either party to ask or to state their opinion. "Are you comfortable with this?" "Are you ok moving forward?" "Can we have sex?". You get the drift.

But we are terrified with rejection, and sometimes saying yes or no is a burden of its own. It's easier to walk the fine grey line and not committed to anything.

For women, especially, sometimes asking for sex feels dirty, feels desperate. We want to be desired, and not beg for it. We also don't want to be seen as a horny slut.

But sex is fun. Period. If such intimacy is what women want, then we should be allowed to expressed it without fear of being judged. It takes balls, but vaginas can take better pounding than balls, anyway.

Breaking the derogatory link between women and sex is a path to sexual equality, and thus, much better [sexual] experience all around. Safer too, as consent will be more open.

Women shouldn't be [made] ashamed if they want sex, or loving it just as much as men do. Ladies, there is nothing wrong with enjoying ourselves. It's damn sexy, as a matter of fact.

The guy who insulted me clearly didn't think that way. But as with any low self-confidence d-bag out there, it is not my task to stroke his ego and soothe his self-confidence. I, of course, could be stroking something else.

It's 2018. It's high time we start to vocalize our thoughts. The worse we can get is a rejection. Embarassing? Yes. End of the world? No. We can do this. Let's stop guessing around.

And nope. Not gonna feel bad about my sexual appetite. Why should I? Sex is like dancing, it's much more enjoyable when both parties are having fun. So yeah, time to have fun.

Avocado Toast and A Cup of PositiviTea

Organic blue tortilla chips. A mix of olives from the olive bar. A nice cup of cold-brew coffee. Cute smoothies in mason jars. Cocktails after work. Avocado toast.

If a few years ago you told me this was what my daily meal will be I would laugh at your face. Seriously? That's for wuss and hippies. That's for entitled people. Down with entitlement!!!

As crazy as it sounds to you, but when I looked back at my old Facebook posts I sounded all bitter and sad, not at all the bubbly, happy, inappropriate (ahem) gal I am now. The reason? I was with one.

Negativity is contagious. It seeps into your skin, poisoned your mind, and debilitate you as you slowly lost the light within yourself. Along negativity comes fear, then hate, then anger, then aggression.

The scary part is, you don't know that is happening. You don't know that you are slowly becoming as negative as the person who transmits it to you, you just know that you feel so 'done' with the world.

What changed? I started to hang with more people. Friends, dates, unofficial boyfriends. With every new friend I make, I learn something new and see the world from their perspectives:

- Farmer's market greens are sooo much better than pre-packaged leafy greens in the grocery store. The addition $2 I paid is nothing considering the taste and the shelf life are infinitely better.

- The cool hipster-looking workers in stores like Trader Joe's or Sprouts or Whole Foods are a whole lot less intimidating once you get used to them. The items still cost more, but you can easily plan it out.

- You can make a fancy cheese platter for less than $15 if you know how and what to buy. Or your own fancy smoothies. Or your own oh-so-hip cold brew coffee with the smoothest taste and ample caffeine punch.

The list goes on and on. 

A lot of it was taught directly. Me, sitting with my best friend nibbling on cheese and olives. Me, accompanying a friend to shop at farmer's market every week. Me, 'kidnapped' for my first Universal Studio experience.

All you need is that one taste, somebody to explain it to you, and an open mind. I now know what good coffee tastes like. I now know what good beer tastes like. I now know what top-notch barbecue tastes like.

Surround yourself with good things, and only good things will come to you. We are what we choose to be, but since negativity is contagious, it is important to be careful to what we are exposed to.

In a mad, mad world like right now, it's easy to say we can't escape negativity. We can. It's challenging, especially since we're now all so connected, but we can if we know how.

The key is to expose yourself to things that will enhance you, with an open mind and a hunger, even lust, for (experiences in) life. Life is more than just ugly comments in social media, isn't it?

I learn about kindness, ambition, passion, sense of justice, and so much more from people I've met. I learn about the different way of thinking and different way of living lives. They are all good.

I don't always agree on what they choose to do, but I don't want them to be 'perfect' as per my standard, anyway. All their differences taught me acceptance, to see things past what I 'don't like'. 

In the end, it's not about getting used to avocado toast. It's about knowing it exists, and instead of making it a menace, you get to know it, try it, and even if you still hate it afterward, at least you know what you are hating.

Wouldn't it be nice if life is like this? Readying ourselves for a full blast of psychedelic life in vivid color, as opposed to hid ourselves and internally growing hatred and anger, fueled by our baseless fear?

Cutting out toxic (read: overly negative) people from your life is a really good first step. Like I said, the difference between me 3 years ago and me right now is so profound.

However, you also need to be brave. Get out there and experience the world. Try to do it with as little prejudice as possible, as if you are a clean slate ready to be rocked by colors of the world.

As my sauntering-in-fancy-dress-at-the-opera persona will tell you, (or my swing-dancing-till-you-drop persona, or my board-gaming-is-life persona, or my little-lady-in-big-city persona, you get the idea), it is oh so worth it.

Our only limit to experience good things in life is ourselves. Correction. Our only limit to experience life itself is ourselves. Down with negativity! On with the grand bright world we have!

And yes. Avocado toast is not that bad. I still prefer regular eggs and bacon especially with green stir-fry on the side, but it's not bad at all. Not bad at all.

Melangkah Maju

6 tahun yang lalu saya nekat pergi ke Jakarta untuk bertemu dengan seorang pria yang saya kenal lewat internet. Menggapai mimpi, ceritanya. Cuma ingin jadi Cinderella sekali saja.

6 tahun kemudian, saya hidup sendiri di Los Angeles. Pertemuan saya dengan pria itu membuka jalan saya untuk bisa menjadi penduduk resmi Amerika, dengan segala drama diantaranya.

Apa yang saya kejar 6 tahun yang lalu? Jawabannya receh banget: cinta. Nggak kebayang saat itu akan berakhir hidup disini, saat itu saya hanya ingin bertemu dengan pria yang tampaknya mau menerima saya apa adanya. 

Sama seperti Upik Abu, saya nggak berharap yang muluk-muluk. Saya hanya ingin bersama seseorang yang tampak bahagia sekali SMS-an sama saya, walau hanya semalam dua. Ingin sekali saja menjadi bagaikan putri dimata seseorang.

Tapi kami jatuh cinta. Cerita berikutnya adalah cerita cinta yang sedemikian dahsyatnya sampai saya bisa menulis buku essay tentang kami. Disusul dengan perpisahan yang sedemikian pahitnya sampai menjadi artikel viral dan buku terbitan Grasindo.

Seorang teman saya berujar, "Gue masih sakit melihat foto-foto lama kalian di fesbuk. Kalian terlihat begitu mencintai satu sama lain. Kok bisa sih?" Saya cuma bisa tersenyum pahit. Saya juga nggak tahu kenapa bisa begini akhirnya.

Kalau dipikir baik-baik, saya sebenarnya tahu kenapa. Saya saja yang menolak melihat adanya ketidakcocokan diantara kami dan memilih berharap semua akan menjadi lebih baik. Tapi sekedar tahu sebabnya nggak membuat melupakan dia lebih gampang.

"Hal yang terbaik yang bisa kamu lakukan untuk pasanganmu berikutnya adalah melupakan mantanmu," ujar teman baik saya. Saya melihatnya dengan marah bercampur malu. Dia tahu saya sudah, dan masih, mencoba.

Saya hapal buku "Dear, Mantan Tersayang" itu luar dalam, namanya juga saya yang menulis. Bagaimana move on dari mantan dengan melihat kondisi yang ada secara obyektif. Melihat daftar teman, gebetan, dan acara social saya yang padat, tampaknya saya sudah sukses move on.

Tapi ada masa dimana saya kembali terpuruk, dimana tiap saya membuka mulut saya sibuk membicarakan hal buruk yang ia lakukan pada saya. Masa dimana saya seperti orang gila, terpekur mengingat masa lalu dengan pahit.

Kalau sudah seperti itu, biasanya saya hanya bisa bersembunyi di balik selimut, menunggu segala ledakan emosional itu reda. Setelahnya saya akan merasa begitu lemah, begitu kotor karena ternyata ia masih mengontrol pikiran saya.

Lalu saya akan menyibukkan diri dengan berbagai hal, berkeras menutup mulut saya seolah saya dan dia tak pernah terjadi. Dan saya akan lupa. Saya akan bahagia. Sampai ada sesuatu yang mengingatkan saya padanya dan badai emosi itu datang kembali.

Menyebalkan ya? Nggak ada habisnya. Sudah gitu. Sampai kapan begini terus? Sayangnya walau saya punya seribu alasan untuk membencinya, saya punya sepuluh ribu alasan untuk tidak membencinya. Masih lho berpikir: "Dia ga sejelek itu kok."

Padahal bukan masalah jelek atau baik. Saya harus move on bukan karena kisah kami selesai, tapi karena dia bukan karakter yang saya perlukan dalam cerita saya yang sekarang. Ibarat kepingan jigsaw, bukan dia yang saya perlukan untuk melengkapi jigsaw saya.

Bagaimanapun saya mencoba, saya nggak bisa membayangkan, bahkan sebagai teman sekalipun, dia di dalam kehidupan saya yang sekarang. Benar-benar lain dunia. Kami sudah mencoba lho, tapi akhirnya kami hanya bertukar berita lama dan lalu bertengkar hebat. Lagi.

Kadang-kadang logika ini masuk, dan kadang-kadang saya sibuk mewek/menangis sendirian. Move on itu sulit, apalagi move on dari sesuatu yang sangat berharga bagi kita, sesuatu yang penuh kenangan indah. Kita nggak rela untuk pergi.

Tapi dengan setiap kenangan baru yang saya buat, dengan setiap gelak tawa dan kebahagiaan yang saya temukan, selangkah demi selangkah saya berjalan pergi. Saya yang sekarang lebih baik dari saya 2 tahun lalu, saat masalah kami dimulai. Saya di masa depan pasti akan lebih baik lagi.

Dan suatu saat saya akan bisa menjawab pertanyaan tentang mantan saya dengan tawa lepas, "Ah gilingan, itu kacau banget! Untung sudah lewat hahaha", tanpa perlu bercerita 3 jam nonstop tentang bagaimana saya terluka.

Perlu sekian lama saya bisa melupakan pacar pertama saya, dan akan butuh waktu yang lebih lama lagi untuk melupakan suami pertama saya. Mau bagaimana lagi? Perasaan kan nggak bisa dipaksa. Saya harus terus melangkah maju, walau selambat siput.

Hari ini fesbuk mengingatkan saya akan foto-foto saya bersamanya. Nggak seperti tahun lalu yang membuat saya banjir air mata, kali ini saya hanya tersenyum sedih dan lanjut dengan kehidupan saya. Suatu saat nanti ya, mantan, saya akan sepenuhnya lepas dari mu. Pasti kok. Pasti.