Safe Haven: An Immigrant's Story

Yep, that's the actual door
to the sanctuary

A friend of mine had to crash for the night because she lost her keys. Due to how late it was when she showed up plus my very early morning commute, when I got ready for work I instinctively told her she could just stay and sleep in my apartment while waiting for her roommate to call back. I got sick to my stomach even as the words passed through my lips. I don’t want anyone to intrude on my safe haven. I can’t let anyone in and stay there without my supervision.

The day was Wednesday, March 16, 2016. I woke up feeling groggy in my apartment; I can’t even remember if I slept at all. The morning sunrise flooded through my apartment window, and so did the memory of the day before. My fight with him over text and on the phone; triggered by my frustration on how I felt he neglected me. The exchange that got heated until he cussed me out. Me, who had enough with him putting me down, posted the screenshot of his text calling me an insignificant c*nt to his Facebook page. My phone that went quiet afterwards because he disconnected my phone line; me, shaking uncontrollably when I found out. Getting a new number from T-mobile after work. I found out he took all the money out from our joint account, my money.I came straight back to my apartment to find my clothes stuffed in a suitcase, already waiting for me there; I broke down and cried.

But I have my little apartment, and my paycheck luckily went through the next day. I bought basic dining utensils at Target, and improvised my meals in a microwave as it was the only means of cooking I had. Steamed Brussel sprouts with butter sauce and some horrible chicken nuggets was what I had that day, along with my shattered pride and broken heart. Yet it was a safe haven; or at least I thought. I came home a few nights after and felt like someone was in there before. Later he admitted he did come (he had an extra key) and managed to find my new number on the T-mobile receipt. The day that I finally had that key back, that was the day I could breathe in a little easier. 

When people talk about immigrants, they think of people coming here for better opportunity; people who had it hard in their own country; people who want to take advantage of the great country of USA. But there were also people like me. People who came here in the name of love. People who were here because their beloved could not move to stay where they are, so they made the sacrifice to leave their home to be with their beloved. We do not only surrender our love, but also we entrust our lives to our beloved, which is why USCIS has minimum income requirement to sponsor a fiancé or spouse from abroad; that the sponsor must be willing to provide for the person for 2 years. This is because we have to start from point zero, a perfectly clean slate. We have to struggle with the language and the culture, and depending where you are from, your education and work experience could mean nothing. Adapting to a new country is hard, and we need all the help we can get.

Is it really a wonder that I refuse to give up my sanctuary? Even after our divorce turned bitter, which I initiated a few months later after finding out he was cheating on me. Even after everyone told me to leave the apartment and find a safer place so he couldn’t find me, I still clung to that little haven persistently. Slowly but surely I start filling out that little apartment with my own things: pictures on the wall, cooking utensils, and my new love: board games. For someone who came to US with only a carry-on luggage filled with clothes and a heart filled with love and hope, I think I did pretty well. I got thrown out of my nest, yet there I was, building a new one.

Do I regret having the fight with him and posting his abuse online? Absolutely not. I can tell you how he neglected me and he’ll tell you the same, but I can tell you how I was left in tears so many times over his insecurities. I can tell you the many times I sat there crying while he berated me and telling me how unworthy I was for having casual sex before I even knew him. I can tell you the many times I was told I should be grateful because he took me to the US; that I should be grateful because he clothed me and feed me and support me while I was not working. I can tell you the many times my words and actions were turned against me, twisted and turned to make me feel like I was the worst human ever. I can tell you the many threats he made to my family, the libelous things he wrote about me publicly in Indonesia, including that at some point I got an STD due to unsafe sex, the number of men I slept with, and that he could get me deported any time. All this because he thinks he can get away with it; he can’t.

Behind the little apartment’s door, the woman grew stronger. Once you are free from the chains, once you found a safe place to plant your roots and grow, the sky is your limit. My safe place is a 225 sqft apartment in a ghetto part of Los Angeles; a place so tiny that I need a fold-up futon bed to ensure I have space to do my activities during day time. It doesn’t mean I am completely free from him, though. Hearing his name, receiving his message, or even seeing him sends me spinning into a spiral of anger and anguish and fear. Gone were the days where I think about him with such bubbly feeling and almost star-struck with his presence. You can only beat the dog so much until she stops loving you and starts loathing you. Yet within those walls I am safe. As long as I don’t let anyone else intrude my little haven, within those walls I will always be safe.

This morning I passed Carrows in West Covina. I remember a day where we got into a fight and I walked from that restaurant all the way to West Covina Mall. I remember a day where we got into a fight in San Diego and I made the decision to go home to OC by myself; somehow the prospect of spending a night at the bus station was a better option than riding back home with him. I remember a day where I took the bus from OC to Los Angeles because I couldn't stand his abuse. I remember a day where I had to spend a whole day at a Korean Spa after I cried uncontrollably due to his malicious taunts, and he told me to get the hell out because his son got worried. I remember a day where he told me I am not allowed to spend Christmas with his family...my family. I remember the times when I wanted to go and run but didn't have anywhere to go; no safe haven for me. I remember all those times and I want to hug that woman who had endured such a storm. You are safe now, little bird, you are safe now.

The Song of the Mermaid

The Song of the Mermaidaka Ariel's Other Ending

Here I stand between their world and mine

Which one is which, which one is real?

The soft calling of the wave beckons me

The gentle light of the city calls me

Whom should I answer?

I have walked among them, indulging my senses

Having a taste of owning puny legs and feet

Feeling the warmth of hearth and even warmer embrace

Lost in awe for colors and smell

The life of dream, if dream could be real

I have swum among them, serene and mindful

The lightless water that clouded one’s sense

The cool surroundings that promises peace

At home among shadows and whispers and deepest contentment

Dreaming of life, yet it is so real

Here I stand between their world and mine

Here I stand between two worlds that might not even be mine

The sound of laughter captured my heart

The quiet peace captured my mind

And here I stand: barefoot, naked, lost and afraid

Will I be happy amongst the land people?

With shoes that chafe my feet and ache that follows?

With helpless limitations and simple desires?

With no ancient dweller telling me wisdom of old?

Will I be happy where I don’t belong?

Will I be content amongst the sea people?

With vast ocean and no one to speak?

With years ahead of me, and then some many more?

With no little kids telling me the silliness of youth?

Will I be content where I don’t desire?

The wave crashed gently on my feet, sending shiver to my spine

The time has come for me to choose

The life of easy life and indulgent love

Or the quiet thoughtful life that I am born into

Which to choose, which to hold

The tide is coming fast and my decision is made

Goodbye music, laughter, and light

Goodbye fairytales, families, forgotten love

Goodbye rising sun, bright rainbow, cool spring rain

Goodbye you all, goodbye, goodbye

The coldness of the sea embraces me, envelopes me

The salty sea water chokes me and burns my land lungs

The scale grow back, the legs unite

The silence scares me, yet also calms me

Yet soon here I am, complete and whole again

Beneath the sea level where all flow still

Deep in the trenches where secrets are told

Lost in the majestic serenity of such magical world

For I am Poseidon’s daughter

And this is where I belong

Hello my [now ex-]-husband's little missus

Editor's Note:  This is an English version I made for my blog post which was in Indonesian. Many non-Indonesian readers wanted to be able to read the post, but the Google Translate version did not translate well.  This is not a verbatim translation as to adapt with different way of thinking. Despite the tweaks the message is the same: affairs are not the way to go. If you want to read the original post in Indonesian, just click here.  Thanks for reading.

Hey there, my [now ex-]husband's little missus. What's up? 

Now now, let's not throw the axe at me so quickly. Chill. I am not here to judge or harass you. I am here to tell my reader what really happens in an affair, all the ugly truths that so often hidden in a simple line "he had an affair" with the hope that others will think twice before being in one. 

Affairs are devastatingly expensive.  For instance, the affair between you and my [now ex-]husband cost me 4.5 years of my life. That's 1588 days together. 216 weekends and/or holidays spent with his kids (my stepchildren). Five birthdays, 4 Christmas, 5 Father's Day, 3 Thanksgivings. Numerous toys, books, games, event tickets, and all the fun things I obtained for the family. Immeasurable anger, frustration, and tears that I endured myself, plus his that I help him to endure. My career and my family that I left behind to be with him. My age, and I'm definitely not growing younger. Our chosen partner is our investment for the future, and you've successfully destroyed mine. How does it make you feel?

In your defense, you probably did not know that on your first rendezvous (which he claimed was vacation for therapy), I bought the ticket for him to fly to your hometown because I was worried as a foreigner he'd get scammed. Every day he was there I was constantly worried for his well-being as it was a new place for him.  He didn't text much because 'there was no signal'. My family, who were obviously confused why he went on vacation to Indonesia without their daughter, still greeted him very warmly. I sent Mother’s Day flowers to the mothers of my stepkids and to his late mother's grave because it was Mother's Day while he was there.  I wanted to make sure everyone got thanked properly. And guess what he's doing?

I am also convinced you did not know that even as you started to communicate with him he was still being pampered, despite what his claims may be. An anniversary dinner date at a swanky rotating lounge in Downtown LA. Homemade cute “boob and butt” cookies for his birthday. Matching father-son Top Gun shirts for Father's day, complete with Father's day dinner at a Samba restaurant for the three of us. The Father's Day was extra special as I found out the proof of your affair three days before. I still went with it though, as everything has been booked and I didn't want to ruin Father's Day for my stepson. You don't know any of this because he won’t tell you. Not even a single recognition was made for me in all the Facebook posts he made, so how could you know?

This is wrong, obviously, but you made the decision to be with him even though you knew he was still married. You are not without resources, though. As a writer, I maintain a public persona which is easily found online. Heck, you can even find the book I made for him online. If the wife of the man you are dating keeps posting pictures of the two of them looking happy together, you might want to reconsider his 'unloved' claim. 

Even if you didn't have resources, in general it is a good idea to stop and think what would the other woman feel. What would happen if he was lying and the other woman is still in love with him, because this is what happened. Four-and-a-half years down the drain. The family was broken. I haven't seen my stepkids since I had to leave. They're probably confused as hell as to where did their old stepmom go and why does this new one keep being shoved up their face.

It's over though, for me and you. You made the decision to accept the devil (i.e. my ex-husband), and here we are now. But for others who read this, others who might be in the position to be tempted, please reconsider. It is not that you can't love. By all means, love all you want, just make sure you don't hurt others or yourself.. Get yourself the certainty you deserve, that the love of your life is definitely leaving the other person to be with you. 

It took me a little over a month for my ex-husband to sign the divorce papers, and that's with him begging repeatedly for marriage counselling.  He'd tell me how much he loves me and we should get back together, plus numerous threats and fights between us just to force him sign. Considering his defense when I found out about the affair was "we're gonna get divorced anyway", I actually feel sorry for you. Please, don't go this route. You are not being a martyr of love, you are being a kitchen cloth used to wipe grimes. 

Life has so many sides that it's almost impossible to see them all at once. However, we still need to try and base our decision on as many sides as we can consider instead of going all in to get what our hearts want. Isn't it better and more rewarding to be able to say "how can she not know about me?!" than  "how can she know about me?!", Temptation will be there and assholes will lie, but in the end we are the one who made the decision. Hopefully with this information, you can choose more wisely.

In the end, everybody loses in this game. My ex-husband lost a loyal, devoted wife. My stepkids lost a stepmom that would go to the ends of the earth for them, not to mention cool and smart to boost if I don't say so myself. You'll lose respect from anyone who knows the story, and I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if my ex-husband uses this against you in the future. I lost pretty much everything, yet at the same time, I am the clear winner. I gave my all, and it didn't work. It's pretty much what keeps me sane and moving. There are no ifs and there is no regret. I gave my all and put everyone's happiness in consideration. How can you regret that?

I wish you all the best, little missus. I am free and happy as I can be. I miss my stepkids a lot, but I am grateful to be rid of an unfaithful husband. I am loving life to the fullest, and it doesn't hurt that I’m told I look more attractive than ever. The pride from successfully weathering the storm does that. You on the other hand, still have a long journey ahead of you. Good luck, little missus, you're gonna need it.

Ps: please don't look for the little missus, dear readers. And definitely don't harass her. This post is not made to bash her, but to educate people on what happen behind the sultry and scandalous veil of 'affair'.