The Shadow

I can't stand myself.

I don't know the be exact time where I started feeling this way, but I absolutely hate myself right now. Everything with me is fake, is wrong. I am an imposter. There is nothing good about me.

I wish there was two of me so we can give each other some really good b-tch slap. There is nothing more that I want than pulling the hair on my other self while screaming up in her face how worthless she is. To give her a good terror and the anguish she justly deserve.

But why? What did she do that 'deserves' all this? The fact that people seemed to like her is also infuriating. Are they out of their mind? She gotta stop faking this "I am an innocent little princess" attitude because it's disgusting and dishonest.

I know this is depression. I know this is unhealthy. I know this is so very stupid. I don't know if this is because my relationship failed, or pandemic, or the combination of everything. I know I don't know the person I am right now. I know I hate her.

I hate her absolute stance on everything. I hate how quickly she erected barriers and cut off people that potentially or is hurting her. Chill b-tch. You are stronger than that. There's no pain that you can't take, so why the fear?

I hate her clinginess. The way she soaked up all the attention and beamed at every kindness. Dumbass, you survived being kicked out of the house, cheated on, getting divorce, AND threatened repeatedly without anyone you know in the US. Clinginess does not befit you.

I hate her for all of this. Her cowardice. Her fear. I hate how angry and frightened she is. I hate how she keeps making these stupid mistakes where she looks like a crazy, imbalanced woman. I hate how much she wanted to be loved, to be accepted.

I hate her because I love her. I love her so much I don't want anything bad to befall her. And human are inherently a piece of sh-t. You can expect other human to betray you, to turn your back on you. Or maybe they just can't see eye to eye with you and that's fine too.

Expectations are painful. Putting up hopes are painful. Ideally we are always in a zen where we understand to take none and expect even less. Ideally. She did so well before, but now it seems to concept is out of reach.

So I am trying to help her in the way I am sure of. By hating her. By telling her to f-ck it all. By giving her reasons why she is not good enough. By loathing on her so much that she will stop talking to other people. Because once she can do things on her own, she will be safe.

I know people will be pouring love into her when they read this. The damn attention wh-re. The stupid Bene-Gesserit witch. Maybe I shouldn't post this after all. She does not deserve those loves. It will only prolonged her misery. Stop faking it you filthy hag.

But maybe I should. I miss her. I miss her gaily laughter. I miss her confidence, her determination in life. I miss how she look at things in wonder, as if everything is glittery and bright. I miss how she always seem to shine and say, "Isn't life amazing?"

I want her back. I want her to sat next to me and looking at me in the eyes, and tell me with a smile and a lilting voice "It's going to be alright." Just as she did to many others before me. I want her to make things right again.

Until then, I can only do what I know what to do. Hating her. Being angry at her. Telling her all the bad things. Convinced her that she is worthless, unwanted. Assured her that she is selfish and unkind and despicable. This way I can protect her from other people. This way she will be safe.

I am such a good friend to myself.

Korban

Melihat postingan KJRI Los Angeles hari ini membuat saya ingin menonjok orang. Happy International Day of Democracy konon. Gini ya mas mbak yang terhormat, demokrasi itu kalau semua partisipannya setara. Apa kabar ketua KPI dan korban pelecehan seksualnya?

Lagi-lagi ya kita melihat nilai manusia di Indonesia tergantung tahta dan harta. Jabatan itu amanah. Ketua Komisi Penyiaran Indonesia pula, yang harusnya etik nomor satu. Garda depan moral Indonesia ceritanya. Eh malah korban yang diancam ITE. Situ waras?

Tapi brengseknya para pemegang amanah ini adalah juga cerminan jeleknya mayoritas masyarakat Indonesia. Mereka berani seperti ini karena tahu masyarakat nggak akan menyentuh. Tetep ke kondangan dengan gegap gempita karena tahu tamu yang lain akan menyembah jabatan dan hartanya. Hidup tetap aman damai.

Dan korban? Itu salah si korban. Pasti mereka diam-diam mau (yuhuuu Saipul Jamil kiss kiss). Cuma dipegang aja toh, nggak mati ato kehilangan sesuatu. Lebay dot com lah. Dan terutama saat korban perempuan, dibilang pasti dia yang gatal duluan. Dia yang bego mau dipergunakan. La la la.

Saya mengerti sih. Bagi kedamaian mental kita, sangat penting untuk menjerumuskan korban. Harus ada yang salah di diri mereka, karena kalo nggak berarti yang terjadi sama mereka bisa terjadi sama kita. Penting untuk mendiskreditkan korban karena yang terjadi pada mereka terlalu menakutkan bila terjadi pada kita.

Sayangnya fakta nggak akan berubah. Apa yang terjadi di KPI adalah bukti tak terbantahkan bahwa kekerasan seksual itu bukan soal nafsu. Kekerasan dalam bentuk apapun (termasuk seksual) adalah soal kontrol. Ini adalah bentuk primal, bentuk hewani kita yang ingin jadi predator puncak. Mau pakai rok mini atau baju hazmat nggak ada bedanya.

Kita bangsa yang santun konon. Tapi seringkali kesantunan kita membuat kita langsung buang muka atau tutup mata saat terjadi ketidakadilan. Bukan urusan kita, jadi jangan ikut campur. Atau saat kita menganggap korban kekerasan sebagai sesuatu yang nista dan dalam kesantunan kita kita menolak keberadaan mereka. Orang santun nggak terlibat dalam perkara rendahan begini bukan?

Saya punya harapan tinggi pada masyarakat Indonesia. Ada banyak yang sudah bersuara dan memperjuangkan. Semoga makin banyak yang vokal. Karena Indonesia amat sangat berpotensi maju, tapi kita nggak akan maju bila kita terus melihat rekan senegara kita sebagai ancaman atau sesuatu yang 'tak layak'.

Kekerasan, apalagi kekerasan seksual, bukanlah cerminan diri korban. Itu adalah cerminan diri pelaku. Korban nggak kehilangan apapun. Si pelaku yang kehilangan manusiawinya. Bagaimana kita melihat korban/pelaku pun cerminan dari kita sendiri. Bagaimana cerminanmu hari ini, hai kawan? Bagus?

Witch Fire

It's almost 11 pm and I am sitting on my bed crying. 

The last two months have been so draining and I don't know who am I right now. I started out July full of vigor and sass, and now I feel I am the most loathsome person alive.

I am selfish. I am inconsiderate. I am abrasive and cocky. I am not kind. I can't stand when all attention is not on me. I am crazy. I have no manner. I am a horrible, horrible person.

Words are chain that bind. Even when you know it was spoken out of anger and not truth. Even when you know it was spoken just to hurt you. The words stay. And they scarred you. They made it reactive for you so the next time something like that was spoken you lost your mind.

But maybe those words are right. Maybe it wasn't a self-defense. Maybe it's the truth. Maybe I do deserve all the bad things that's coming to me. Maybe I do deserve losing people I love. I am just not good enough.

Even as I tried to tell myself it is not true, I am still scared. When a friend told me he can't see anything bad about me I cried in relief. But after that bitter tears fell. What if it's because he didn't know the real me yet?

How many more people should I lost simply because of who I am? How many lonely nights I have to spend because I am too exhausting? Tonight, I wish I was not me. I wish I am silent and obedient. I wish I am not opinionated and hot headed. I wish I am not a raging witch-at-stake bonfire but a mere candle instead.

But I am not. And I will see my world burn to ashes one part at a time, because of who I am. If the fire is hot, what is this icy cold loneliness in my heart?