When You Walked Out That Door

The room got a lot colder when you walked out that door. Just like that. Some people wouldn't even notice the difference in temperature, but for me it was like between cozy spring and chilly winter. The clock seemed to tick a lot louder, filling our apartment with the automatic tick tock, a grim reminder of the time I have spent without you. I pulled the duvet over me. The down feather filling would've caused me heat stroke should I use it in my hot and humid tropical country, but this morning it felt as thin as my beach sarong, and twice as cold. It's so cold. So very cold.

Was my life without you ever this cold? Was my life without you ever this lonely? You went away and suddenly my life froze. Am I being delusional? A crazy clinger and a madwoman desperate for love? But life before you was cold. Life without you was lonely. In the sunny days filled with amazement and adventures, in the lovely nights filled with enchantment and mysteries, I have walked alone for so long, and deep inside, a chilliness grew that can't be broken even in the hottest, sunniest day. I laugh and I smile, but the hollowness were there, silently freezing my soul from within. Then you came, and your embrace broke the spell I cast on myself.

With you, there is no need for pretends and facades. I am allowed to be myself, without limits and restriction. There is no need for me to smile a fake smile and say "Everything is fine" when it is actually not, just to protect your feeling. I could cry if I want to. I could scream if I want to. I could cuss if I want to. I could give you my all, because you were strong enough for that. For the first time I don't need to think what or how my partner would feel, because with you, I know you would understand. And when I see your face in the morning, sleeping so soundly next to me, it is like looking at myself. You are my reflection in the mirror. You are the one I have been waiting for so long.

I love how warm your body is when I lay next to yours. I love how you embrace me so close and never let go. I love how our fingers intertwined and locked in their own embraces. I love how you made me feel wanted and love. Every night that we sleep in each other's arms feels like a new blessing, and I keep telling God how good it feels to be with you and how thankful I am to have you in my life, even though I am sure He already knew that. The scent of your body, the strength of your arms, the softness of your hair, the stubble on your chin when you forgot to shave, these are the things that lulled me to sleep, the things that represent stability and strength that you provide for me. Lest forget the occasional kisses, which I am sure to receive every now and then even when you were barely awake, a beautiful reminder of how much you love me.

Then you walked out of the door, and the room became very, very cold and lonely. I know you would be back in the evening, smiling and grinning happily because it feel so good to be home. I know the apartment will then be filled with laughter and love once again, and the coldness in the apartment and inside me couldn't touch me anymore. I know that there will be days where I wouldn't be in the apartment all by myself, when I got a job or have other things to do. I know that. Yet this morning, I also know how cold and lonely my life was before I met you, and how cold and lonely my life would now be without you. Come home soon, love. I miss you already.