Sharing Misery

I moved out from my apartment and it was an exhausting rollercoaster ride. Pack a bit. Cry. Pack a bit. Panicking. Pack a bit. Went to BF and ask "Do you really want me?". Pack a bit. Repeat endlessly. It took such a toll on him that he slept in this morning.

I have all the right to ask for mental support, to cry and be openly anxious with him without being judged. He decided to be with me, didn't he? That's the whole point of relationship, be it romantic or platonic, to find someone you can unpack your baggage with.

But it takes toll on the other person. There will be times when we, so deeply hurt and broken, can only see ourselves. We can only focus on our pain and hurt and prone to attack the people who tried to help us. In our pain, we sometimes failed to see how far that person has come for us.

Because they don't have to, but they did. It hurts to see someone you love and care in great pain, in a place where you can't reach them. It hurts to see that person writhing and crying and drowned in sorrow. All you want to do is to erase their misery and see their smile again.

And then there's the backlash. There's the "You don't know how I feel!!"  There's the constant questioning and doubts that sometimes made you doubt yourself. There's the emotional cost because you are pretty much trying to carry the weight this person has, like the footsteps on the send.

A lot of people might use this as a reasoning on why they didn't get help. "I don't want to be a burden." "I don't want people to eventually hate me." "I am too broken to be fixed." All is fine and dandy, but notice the 'I'. Relationships are not made with just 'I'. 

It's ok for wanting to be loved. It's ok for wanting to be helped. The way somebody love us and help us through our baggage show their worth, and ours. Doesn't it mean that we worth something, that somebody is willing to go through our hell even though they don't have to? 

The best way to repay their love and help is to try to get better. At the very least recognize when we're going to get bad and stop ourselves from hurting them. It could be as simple as a genuine apology after a bad episode. Baby steps is fine.

It's a privileged to be loved, and honestly there is no formula on 'how to be loved'. How we view ourselves are different than how people view us. What we perceive as a cheap metal trinket may be seen as invaluable rare piece of jewelry for others. 

I am thankful for those who think I am precious despite all my baggage and flaws. It's a journey, and I am grateful for those who stay with me and for those who tried but part ways. Thank you.