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Thursday, April 7, 2016

Dear Internet

Dear NSA,
The dildos I bought, they're totally not mine. I can attest to that. You see, I have this other personality who seemed to cherish all things kinky; and I will have these blackout incidents and found them in the mailbox in horror. I swear that's what happen.

Oh and the champagne purchases that comes with the dildos are totally unrelated. I know it sounds veeery suspicious, like I am planning to have a raunchy rowdy delicious weekend with myself, but the champagne is for a good purpose. My goldfish is an alcoholic and he prefers champagne than water. Can you believe that?

Those sexually explicit e-mails and text messages are also not mine. Somebody might have hacked my phone or something. Yes, I know it has my name on it, but there are other people who also called themselves "ARY-AmazingReadynYearning", right??

I blame my friends. Yes, they are in Indonesia, but they are smart out there. I, dear sir, may live among challenging personalities, but I can assure you my morality is top notch and I am as prude as a 19th-century Victorian lady. Wait, you only spy a little about me?

Dear Google and other search engines,
I have no idea why you think I would want to buy nipple clamps and glycerin-free aqua-based-ultimate-silky-smooth-feeling lubricants. And how could you even mentioned about whips and chains and paddles that will mark butt with the word "SLUT". How dare you!

I was opening my browser with my date, trying to find food delivery for our movie night when your 'thoughtful' suggestion pop out, leaving my date and myself reddened with embarrassment. I am an honest-to-goodness person yet you made me look like I am ready for a good night of S&M that would make Christian Grey look like a helpless, hapless teenager on his first date.

This is slander, I tell you, slander! And no, I will not be persuaded with your 20% discount of adult toys and games. Wait, do you have anything for free shipping? I meant, no, you must stop this slandering at once!! Oh? You are not the only one that tracks my history?

Dear online stores and shopping websites,
I guess there is nothing else left to say. You and I, we both know what happens. You know the truth, and I know you know. I am at your mercy. Although you have kept my credit card info safe, at least so far, but you have not been so discreet about other things.

I can't keep on doing this. You can't keep on divulging my information, my deepest, darkest secret. Please… I beg you. You are ruining my life and I thought we are friends. I support you, and you support me. Haven't we done marvelous things together? We completed each other yet you betrayed me.

Please stop this nonsense. Nobody except you and me needs to know about "2 Dozen Gluttony-style Cupcake Totally NOT Fat Free" or the "Diet Destroyer Pizza With All The Bad Nasty Goodness To Eradicate The Salad Taste" that I purchased from you. They were supposed to be a one-time purchase. One time only.

Yes, I have bought them repeatedly, sometimes twice in a week, but that's because you kept on showing that to me! I was visiting you to buy some sawdust-tasting snack bar for weight loss, yet you tempt me. Oh how you tempt me.

And I thought we're friends. Not only you divulge my secrets across the internet, you also bring me down. From now on I am through with you. You double-crosser-back-stabber you. I shan't be back. Never. Just don't forget to e-mail me once in a while, especially if those two items are on sale.

With Love,
The Internet Addict

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