Bridges

I wrote "Witch Fire" a year ago. It was a heart-wrenching piece of what happened when I tried to set boundaries. That's when I started to burn bridges or actively avoid them, because I finally learned to put myself first.

The backlash was intense. I questioned myself. I cried. I almost begged for forgiveness. I was lonely and crushed. I, however, stick to my decisions. My feelings were valid, and I refused to bow down.

It felt like finding myself in a dark street without any light, with only my stubborn pride leading the way. Yet there was help. The comment on the post. My other friends with shoulders to cry on and ears to listen. Hugs and laughter when I needed them the most.

Last week things turned out really bad for me. I still receive the support from my old friends, and also from new ones that I chance-meet because of the path I take from avoiding the bridges, burned or not. A lengthy phone call. Flowers. Hugs and assurance, all of the hugs and assurance.

I found a phrase on Reddit "May the bridges you burn light the way". And oh how bright those bridges burn. Bright enough to see the loving faces around me and to find the path I want to be on. Bright enough to shape my soul.

I am still grieving but I will be better. I am blessed. I am loved. I am grateful.

Not to My Liking

I just ugly cried because of this line in the new Disenchanted trailer: "If this world is not to your liking, then you must change it."

So many things are happening right now that I feel like the ground has disappeared under my feet. Finding a new job. Moving out. Getting treatments. Losing my best friend. 

I hate myself for this. I was supposed to change my job eons ago. I am putting myself at risk by letting go of my apartment. I cried so much and I am so depressed. My poor boyfriend is the equivalent of poor Harry trying to date Cho Chang. The waterworks just don't stop. 

I am tired. I am overwhelmed. I feel weak. I just want to not feel anymore. I have lost this battle. 

Yet I made those decisions. I like my current company so much I don't want to change it. I like having my options even though it led to my current treatment. I know where I want to be, and that's not where I live right now. 

As relationships go, both romantic and friendship, I call the shots when they are no longer healthy for me. When my world is not to my liking, I changed it. I want to say for better or worse, but the reality is I always changed it for the better. The better for me. 

I grieved so much. I am still grieving. I am still scared. I haven't found a job yet. I don't know how my healthcare will be. My future looks bleak and my confidence is shot. Yet I know now: When I don't like my world, I change it. 

I am getting there. You'll see.

Terrible World

The world is a terrible place to be. I hate it here.

On the drive to work we listened to the deadly insulin prices. About anti-abortionist who decided since she was raped and regretted her abortion then it applies to other people. About wildfires.

The world is horrible. The people are even worse.

It makes me question why am I even here. Still not good enough for nirvana, obviously. Yet most people are simply Gollums with better masks. They'll steal and kill and hurt to protect their 'precious'. Such loathsome creatures. I don't want to be here anymore. It hurts. It's stupid. It's making me angry.

Yet there are meals to cook and cakes to bake. There are laughter and games to be played. There are books to read and movies to watch. There are hands to hold and lips to kiss. There are shoulders and a chest to lay my weary head on. 

Right now I still hate it here. But it's not so bad. It really is not so bad.