Not to My Liking

I just ugly cried because of this line in the new Disenchanted trailer: "If this world is not to your liking, then you must change it."

So many things are happening right now that I feel like the ground has disappeared under my feet. Finding a new job. Moving out. Getting treatments. Losing my best friend. 

I hate myself for this. I was supposed to change my job eons ago. I am putting myself at risk by letting go of my apartment. I cried so much and I am so depressed. My poor boyfriend is the equivalent of poor Harry trying to date Cho Chang. The waterworks just don't stop. 

I am tired. I am overwhelmed. I feel weak. I just want to not feel anymore. I have lost this battle. 

Yet I made those decisions. I like my current company so much I don't want to change it. I like having my options even though it led to my current treatment. I know where I want to be, and that's not where I live right now. 

As relationships go, both romantic and friendship, I call the shots when they are no longer healthy for me. When my world is not to my liking, I changed it. I want to say for better or worse, but the reality is I always changed it for the better. The better for me. 

I grieved so much. I am still grieving. I am still scared. I haven't found a job yet. I don't know how my healthcare will be. My future looks bleak and my confidence is shot. Yet I know now: When I don't like my world, I change it. 

I am getting there. You'll see.