2020

Kayaknya nggak ada yang bisa dibilang ke para pembaca sekalian kecuali I love you. Saya sayang kalian semua. 

Para orang 'baik-baik'. Para istri teladan. Para ibu idaman. Para pria yang berjuang bagi keluarganya, bagi orang yang dikasihinya. Mereka yang berusaha bertahan hidup dalam kondisi tak menentu.

Para orang 'buangan'. Para penyuka sesama jenis kelamin. Para transgender. Para pekerja sex. Para korban penyebaran foto atau video intim. Mereka yang juga berjuang untuk sekedar 'ada' di dunia ini.

2020 itu... menyakitkan. Begitu banyak kesedihan, ketakutan, ketidakpastian. Hari demi hari bergulir dan semakin hari semakin tampak jauh akhir dari kungkungan ini. Masa depan semakin buram dan tak terlihat.

Inilah kenapa yang bisa saya bilang hanyalah I love you. Bahwa saya yakin, yakin seyakin-yakinnya ada cahaya dalam diri kalian semua. Cahaya yang mungkin tidak (lagi) bisa kalian lihat karena tertutup oleh depresi dan keraguan dari terjangan pandemi. Tapi cahaya itu masih ada disitu. Selalu ada disitu.

Coba duduk tenang, pejamkan mata dan bayangkan sebuah batu permata yang bersinar di dalam diri kita. Sinarnya begitu terang dan bercahaya seolah ada api abadi didalamnya. Dan sinarannya terasa begitu hangat dan damai.

Permata ini adalah siapa anda, nilai diri anda. Bahkan setelah dikata-katai betapa 'sampah' nya anda atau disiksa secara fisik, mereka tetap tidak bisa mengambil permata ini dari diri anda.

Tidak percaya saya? Buktinya ini penghujung 2020 dan anda masih disini bersama saya. Anda masih tetap bersinar dengan indahnya. Beberapa dari anda tak lagi bersinar dengan sebegitu kuatnya, tertutup oleh #siksa2020 , tapi ini masalah mudah untuk menghapus debu depresi dan ketidakpastian dan membuat sinar anda terlihat terang kembali.

2020 mungkin begitu menyiksa, tapi akan ada 2021. Lalu 2022. 2023. Dan seterusnya. Saya berharap anda akan tetap berada disini bersama saya, karena saya sungguh menikmati cahaya indah anda. Tetap bersinar ya, para pembaca sekalian. Kita survive 2020 bukan? 

2021, selamat datang.

No-Face

"Well you want it?" I asked my BF, pointing out to the bourbon truffle on the shelf. "I need to get you something for Christmas." Which is a lie. His present has been nicely hidden in the garage, ready to be wrapped. A couple more trinkets are on the way.

The closer I get to him, the more I feel like No-Face in Spirited Away when he offered Sen a handful of gold in order for her to stay with him. I will offer you just about anything, so please stay.

It doesn't help that he is hellbent on loving me. Casually mentioned how cute the new Aristocats beanie is? Guess what showed up in the mail. Too depressed to make dinner? I only need to say what I am in the mood for. My crazy plant mom phase? Here's a wire shelf to put all my plant.

Which means I have to upped my game, else he will think I am not worthy enough. From my experience, people are not very happy when one side only take but not give. I am worried that I will drain all his love and affection if I can't give back, or better, give more.

This is an unhealthy way of thinking. One that fully reflect on how low I see myself. I believe things I did for him, for other people, are not special. That if I were to be given love or affection, it has to be paid in equal. There is no way someone will love me just for who I am.

Yet that's just it. If I can show compassion to others, if I can have my heart warmed by seeing a random stranger did a wholesome thing on the bus, why can't people feel the same way about me? Who am I to tell them their feeling is wrong and not valid because how I perceive myself is different than how they perceive me?

Still I find myself getting lost in the swamp of online shopping. I want to see that smile. I want him to know how much I love him, how much he means to me. But I need to trust him. That even without a mountain of gifts he will still think I am an amazing person which he loves. 

The No-Face in me needs to chill because just like in the movie, he doesn't need to buy her off. No-Face in me needs to realize, he is already loved and wanted for the creature he is. A horrible, scary, despicable monster to some. A well-intentioned lonely spirit to others.

It's a long journey to self-realization, to reach a point where I can be comfortable as myself and have faith in people's affection towards me. That I am able to blog freely again like this is already a great improvement. I thought I will never again be able to speak freely about the person I love, both because I thought no one is worth it and because no love is worth it. Yet here we are.

All will be well. Some plants can't grow or bloom in the winter, others take years to bear fruit. They are not dead, though; they are just bidding their time and grow internally. And one day, the No-Face in me will spit the last of the toxin that he had, the frog man, and be content with himself. One day all will be well. You got this, girl.

Running Shoes

I saw pictures of people I know, all smiling with their loved ones this holiday season. These are the same people who have spoken to me about how unhappy they were with their partner. So why the smile?

I know in the age of filter and facetune nothing is what it seems to be. I know that smiles are easily faked, and a gaily laughter may mean squat. I know reputation is a slippery slope, and pride is often times the only thing one can truly call his or her own.

But what if they were the strong ones? They know it costs more to stay in a tumultuous relationship, but they choose to stay for something far more precious than their happiness. Me? I simply walked away.

Many people perceive me as strong. For having standard and stick resolutely to that standard. For being able to walk away and not willing to negotiate, let alone surrender to anything less than what I demand. Loneliness is painful, but better than living in a gilded cage.

The reality is, I am tired of it. I am not strong. I am weak. I am scared of relationship. I always fret I am one mistake away from being pushed aside and unloved by people I hold dear. Any disagreement that I perceived as dishonoring me will be met with nail and tooth. I am forever donning my running shoes.

I wasn't always like this. I remember the time I would begged and cry, willing to do anything to keep my relationship intact. Yet the wounds and scars has taught me to put self preservation above others. The trauma keeps whispering in my head how unworthy I am.

I hugged my boyfriend today. In tears I told him I feel like a dog being chained for so long, that even now when the chain has been broken for good I am still at lost on what to do. The pain, the lashes, the attacks has been such a feature in my life that now I know I don't have to deal with it anymore I don't know what to do.

It's Stockholm Syndrome, I know. This is not love, but a dependency. To be able to cut that chain was a courageous move. Now it's time for me to seriously re-learn everything else.

That my boyfriend's kisses on my hair and his strong embrace will not disappear just because I messed up again on our driving lesson. That my best friend's smile and hugs will not disappear just because I am stuck in my depression and stuck where I am right now.

That I am loved beyond means. The amount of love pouring before my faceoff was so immense I feel like I was living a real life enactment of "There Is Something About Mary". That my smile and genuine affection is precious to others.

That all the running I did brought me to who I am right now. It was a journey to finally be in a place where I can open them and put them aside. To some, their journey is to be with their partner, maintaining their relationship. To me, it's to finally take my running shoes off.

I am jealous of people who maintain their relationship no matter what. I am angry knowing I am too logical and have too much pride to do such things. I ate the forbidden fruit and now I will never feel such blissful hope. Not anymore.

But I can't change who I am. The naive bliss of heaven is no longer mine, but the tangible bliss of this world could be mine. I just need to learn to trust that I am worthy, to believe in my worth, to accept the love of others. And to know they will keep me no matter what, so I better change those running shoes with the fluffy slippers they prep for me.

So far I have untied both shoe laces where they are loose enough for me to step onto the shoes instead of the tight ready-get-set-go. So I made progress. Somewhat. I kept my eyes peeled on those fluffy slippers. I will get there. I promise I will get there.