The Candle Serenade

In the world of hate, be the love
In the world of fear, be the courage
In the world of tears, be the laughter
In the world of uncertainties, be the faith

We are only tiny candles in this world
Not the bright blazing bonfire
Not the blinding beautiful sun
Not the serene pale moon

A breeze, a gust, a gentle blow
And we are no more, no more
A trickle of water, a drop of rain
And we are all gone, all gone

But candles are held more tightly
When the darkness descend
The gentle light that spelled out safety
The innocent glow that lift your heart

And as it burned, it will soon be gone
Yet it can be remade again
It can be lit again
It can bring comfort yet again

Be the candle in this world of madness
Be a safe place for somebody
Be a comfort that we all need
Be the light that guide us through

Don't let the fire rage unchecked
Destroying everything with its hunger
Melting you to nothingness
And left all in charred and ashes

Don't let the fire dimmed unrecognized
Spreading more coldness in this world
Rendering you useless, pointless
And left all in darkness and chill

Glow, my precious, glow
Let your soul light this world
Let your faith held this world
Let your existence warm this world

In the world of madness be the arm that embrace
In the world of pain be the salve that soothe
In the world that is broken be the craftman that fix
In the world without tomorrow be the future

Shine solemnly yet steadily like a candle
No need to brag, no need to shout
No need to force your existence to other
Shine from the inside out, not the other way around

One candle can lit a tiny room
Thousands of candles can lit a banquet hall
All candles in the world could lift up the darkness
Lit the fire, love; our time has come

Let The Good Times Roll

I love my bus drivers. Yes, I met a few arrogant ones and a few that totally hate their jobs; but the majority of them are sooo nice and friendly. This evening one of them tried to make up the lateness by honking furiously at my next connection, which was on the verge of leaving the bus stop. The driver stopped to let me in thanks to the honking code, but not before he teased me by pretending not letting me in. It is 7.26 pm, I have been on the road since 6.06 am, yet I am grinning from ear to ear.

You know what can possibly topped that? A fellow passenger that said to me: "So glad you made it! I saw you running and I was hoping you can catch this bus." This was a cool unassuming African-American whom I always saw on the same bus, but never thought she actually give a damn about me. And oh man her smile! She was genuinely happy to see me manage to catch that bus instead of waiting for another 30 min. I mean come on, I got my bath waiting for me at home. And my bed too.

I think it should be mandatory for people to experience public transportation for at least a good 6 months or so. Here in LA the public transportation was pretty good, at least compared to Jakarta. Yes, there are some sketchy routes, and the transfer policy for some busses makes it expensive to ride on. But you'll learn oh so much. Last Sunday I learn that "Get off me you Trump!" could be considered as a valid insult. I learn to keep my head down when there is alterceration or shouting match. I learn to keep to myself when there's sketchy people around.

You know what else I learn? I learn that the smile on a young man's face when I said "thank you for chatting with me" was priceless. I learn that you can help people easily, from teaching them how to use a new app to finding a route with your Google map. I learn that it feels oh so great, being about 8000 miles from home, when somebody (a.k.a the bus drivers) said "Sorry you're late for work, will you be ok?". Like, the busses are pretty much my limo, albeit one that I shared with 20 something people. And don't even start with the jaw dropped gaze and various "Wow, you're beautiful!".

Public transportation is a place where you learn to be human, where you learn about other humans. Where else can you see the true face of humanity other than when you were stuck with a bunch of them inside an unpredictable iron beast. This time no cheating too, it's as assorted as Bertie Botts All Flavored Beans, ranging from caramel to earwax. And lest forget about patience and some good ol' zen exercise. Finding your zen when you are in a warm sweet smelling (yoga) studio is easy; finding it in a crowded bus with various chattering noises while trying to decide on whether you should stop at the next stop and Uber yourself instead because you are already so damn late would be an interesting challenge, yes?

We humans are annoying piece of sh*t. This much is true. No matter how good you are, no matter how sweet you are, someone is bound to hate you. But the opposite is also true. No matter how pathetic and agonizing/aggravating you are, someone is bound to love you, someone is bound to see the good in you. However, this is a matter of perception. It's back to how you want to see people, or to be exact, how ready are you to see people; not just physically, but to see them whole as human. This feat requires understanding, a big heart, an even bigger mind, combined with the smallest ego you can maintain. Will you, for instance, cried loudly (in your mind) about how useless and trashy and a waste of oxygen is the dirty (and seemingly) homeless man in the back seat who keep ranting throughtout the trip? Or will you feel sorry for him to be in such pain that he had to let it out to the world like that?

Taking the public transportation, for me, is almost second nature. I am a very social being (with extremely introverted personality) and I enjoy being with people, being amongst people. Crazy people on the bus scared me, and I have to admit there are many times I wish I could drive and own a car instead of spending hours on the bus. At the same time though, these people on the bus are my family. A sort of broken dysfunctional family in which we don't even know each other, but still a family. And ideally, that's how the world should be. We are all family. Regardless on how we are taught to think or how we look, our fear, our emotion, and our hopes and dreams remain the same. 

Tomorrow I have to get up by 5.40 am, and probably wont sleep till 10.40 pm. I could use more sleep. But hey, I could also use all those smiles and good vibes from my commute. Let the wheels on the bus go round and round, let the train on the track go clickity clack, let them serve the people and become the artery of the city and its surroundings. And baby, let the good times roll.

Winter Blues

"I'm fine. I'll be fine," I whispered to myself as I grab another tissue and furiously wiped my tears. It's not even noon yet and I was already in tears, a too-typical scenario that I thought would never ever happen again now that I am not with my ex anymore. But it happened, and this time there was no one to blame. It's just life.

A part of me was making tons of excuses: the weather swings (from heat-stroke sunny days to gloomy-ass rainy days), my period, the fact that yes it has only been 3 months since the divorce was filed and naturally I am still grieving, the new life that I have right now, me overstretching myself to be better and burned myself out in the process. Another part of me, a more logical part of me simply berate me for being weak and questioned my existence. Yeah, she's not that nice, but useful though to push me above my limit.

I get it. I know my limit. I know things I can do and things that I can't do. I can do the things that I wanted or needed to do. Yet at the same time, I am not ready. Haven't we all been there? The feeling that we just can't? I feel like walking in quicksand (not that I actually did), or in a sinking boat. It's the feeling that the end is near and there is nothing to hold on too, no solid steps or rocks to step on. I know in the end I will be able to lift myself up and save myself from whatever it is, but right now it feels so overwhelming and I can't shake off that desperate and melancholy feeling.

It is not so bad, actually. It's hard to stay depressed when you are aware how good life is. The next good food, the next genuine smile, the next funny joke, and I'll be as happy as a bee in a summer day. Normally. Yet it doesn't always happen like that. Sometimes you are so down and so blue that nothing could lift your spirit, not even your favorite things or favorite food or (gasps!) favorite person. And it's fine. You just need to ride it out.

Sometimes people don't get it, or overlook it when trying to make the other person feeling better. "Cheer up, buttercup!" "There are worse things in life." "You can do it!!". To their credit, it hurts to see the person you care about, or heaven forbid, the person you look up to, being down in the dump like that. Unfortunately, feelings don't work that way. Telling somebody to cheer up when they're down is like telling somebody to grow an inch or two in an instant. Feeling, especially negative ones, need to be ridden out; and the best thing you can do for someone is to tell them these words: "I know you are in a bad place. Take your time. I will wait for you until you are ready."

We can't change our emotion from happy to 'normal' or sad to 'normal' in an instant, just as we can't change our height or weight or skin color in an instant. We can change our emotion or feeling if there is a strong enough trigger, but even the strongest trigger won't necessarily work if we are already holed up in our own little world. Feelings, emotions, they wane off. Nothing last forever, no matter how hard you try to hold on to them (but if the feeling/emotion does stay, you might have a pathological issue). All we can do is ride them off until it doesn't matter anymore and we can 'snap' out of it.

As much as I want to say that it is a sign of weakness, it is not. Being sad, being hurt, being physically and/or emotionally overwhelmed is a valid enough reason to went into the chute, the abyss of desperation. Heck, you feel you. We don't need to explain or apologize or make excuse on how we really feel. We can talk about it to make us feel better and to not alienate our love ones, but no excuses needed. Discussion, not excuses, just as Hallows, not Horcruxes. But sometimes, when you can't even bring yourself to talk, rejoice in your silence. It is ok to be depressed.

Since winter is approaching, this might be an issue for a lot of people. I can feel myself (and my sanity) being dragged deeper and deeper in my desperation every passing day. It is funny I never realize how dependent I am with the sun, or scientifically, to vitamin D3. Some say taking additional Vitamin D3 might ease the winter blues (such romantic name for such uncool and horrifying time of the year), but do take them responsibly. Just talking to you readers like this already making me feel better. I still feel like the world is coming to an end, but I don't really give a sh*t about that anymore. Stay warm dear reader, and stay sunny. Winter can't last forever, nor our sadness and desperation. We'll be just fine.