Slaying the Past

My ex suddenly comes back to Indonesia after years of living abroad. Upon hearing the news, my body was shaking and my mind went blank. How long has it been? It was a little over a year since we last meet and agree to go our own way, 3.5 years since we were in formal relationship, a little over 11 years of commited and loving each other, and almost 13 years of knowing him. 

Streams of thoughts flooded through my mind, then a more rapid stream of guilt ensued. Why didn't he told me he was coming home? Why can't we meet? Why can't we be friends? Did I hurt him? Why can't he see and be happy that I found and with such a good man? I hurt him bad, didn't I? In my eyes, in my standard, I have failed the relationship. I made decisions that later was crucial into some important make or break moments in our relationship, and all my decisions lead to the its dissolvement. 

My husband-to-be realize my changes, and slowly he coaxed me to tell him the complete details. Arguments soon broke, one after another, tears shed and hurtful words hurled to each other ; but I was not fighting him, I was fighting my past. I cried and ask for my fiance's acceptance, I accused that my fiance will leave me, I beg eloquently for my fiance's forgiveness; but I was actually telling these things for my ex: 

"Why wont you stay? Why wont you keep me? Why wont you forgive me? I am really really sorry I hurt you with my decisions and actions."

As a true testament of how God loves me, my fiance did not only see through my agony easily but also to help me with it. 

He assured me time and time again, that he accepts me and he will never leave. He told me that it was not my fault, that I had made decisions that was the best in such condition and he fully understand my rationale. He gave me facts that I was not compatible with my ex and that the love had probably died between me and my ex by the time it was dissolving. I wanted to believe my fiance but it was so hard. I believe I was the culprit. I refuse to believe that there is anything wrong with my ex, despite the fact that my friends were so relieved when we call it end. It feels like there is no way out, that I will pay for my "wrongs" forever, that I wont ever deserve good love because I f*cked up my last relationship.

Then my fiance told me this: "Here is how you get out:  take my hand, let me lead, and understand the dreams of intimacy I have for us.  Believe in me and my absolute acceptance and appreciation of everything you are.  I love you, Ary.  I am here to stay.  Forever. "

And he jokingly said: "Not ex, but Lex. I will never be your ex, because I will never let you go."

I wanted to believe him. I have to believe him. A wise woman once said I have endured a lot and this is my time to be happy. And I have never been happier nor feel more accepted in my whole life. It's time for me to slay my past and move forward, instead of staying there and forfeit both the present and the future. It is time for me to stop worrying other people's feeling, it is time for me to start acknowledging the hard work and efforts I have made in my previous relationship, it is time for me to live my life and enjoy the love given by my fiance and the promises of future. It's time for me to shine. 

If you read this dear Ex, I'm sorry it didn't work out. I'm sorry I hurt you. I care about you, and I hope you will always be in good spirit and found your happiness. Thank you dear friend, thank you so very much.

The Worth of a Man

A friend shared religious note in Facebook, about how husband's blessing is heaven for the wife. The husband in the story was displayed as a one-of-a-kind-God-sent-angel-on-earth, and the wife was a silly-clueless-childish-ignorant-human. The man was loving and kind and selfless and patient, and hold no grudge or jealousy even though his wife is honored more than him or that he had to help pay for his wife's mistake. And I was like: whoa there, hold your horses ladies! Honestly, if such person do exist, be he a man or a woman we should make a national (or even international) holiday for him/her as to celebrate the most perfect partner there is! Of course as we have no national or international holiday yet for such a person, the chances of you finding the perfect person as the story said honestly sound pretty slim. 

I myself believe in equity and equality. Men should be honored and respected by women, but in capacity as fellow human. Many women do not aware that men are human like us. They got different sex organ, sure, but they also experience bad days and good days. They feel pain, fear, and loneliness; they want to be loved and understood; heck they even need to cry once in a while. I have seen countless meme that ridicule men's clumsiness, and countless more that ridicule or emphasize women's sexiness. This shows the difference in how we think, but the similarity of core thoughts: we laugh at each other daily yet we needed our counterparts, thus the meme. Women can't reach their full potential by thinking their human counterpart (i.e men) are better than them, and those who think men are lower than them lose a great deal of experiences and knowledge that otherwise can complete them. It goes the same with men.

No matter what doctrine one wants to believe, either men as true savior or men as the world's abomination, give the guy a proper respect that he deserves. That goes without saying that if the man showed no respect for the woman he deserves exactly the same. But again, this is not about his side/her side. It is about how you treat fellow human. Will you (as a woman) respect a girlfriend that treated you like slime? Will you respect her if she stood up for you and care about you? Whatever your answer is, the same treatment you give to a women should be applied to a man. That is how women should treat men: not more than us, nor less, but equal.

Remember though, equality does not always mean the exact gesture. Men and women's needs are different. Called me conservative but I am of opinion that a man must be protective of a woman, he must be able to provide (or at least be the main provider) of the family. In the end he deserves my display of love and affection. This is not fairytale wish washy, but based on biological observations only. Men's body is wired to physically stronger than women's, and women are wired to be more sensitive with emotions of others due to their child-rearing task. As a species if I were to raise a family I will want a partner that can protect and provide me in my long period of child rearing, and I will give comfort and love to keep him fulfilled because as a woman I am more fluent in showing affection. Same goal to keep our gene running but different way to achieving it and thus, different needs.

Yet sometimes it should be extremely simple. Logical thinking aside, religious doctrine and society dictation aside, everytime I see my partner I feel a rush of pride and respect. I will not belittle him because he never belittle me; I will cater his needs because he catered mine; I will uphold his honor because he uphold mine; I will make him happy because he made me happy (and because he has the most beautiful smile and sweetest laughter). No promises of heaven or threats of hell needed, no society stigmas or rewards needed. This is what respect in love is all about, this is what commitment in relationship is all about. And yes, because he deserves it. Frankly, I won't do it for less ;)

Cewek Jelek, Pergi Sana!!

Menurut kabar, ayah teman saya menyatakan dia tidak suka anaknya bergaul dengan saya karena nanti "ketularan jelek". Uhhh.... serius?!!

Selaku pemilik wajah selama 30 tahun lebih, saya ga ngerasa secara fisik wajah saya jelek. Yah, emang lumayan jauh dari Sandra Bullock sih; tapi masih cukupanlah untuk ditoleh (dan ehm, dikagumi) lawan jenis. Cincin tunangan di jari manis saya buktinya ;). Memang sih selera orang beda-beda, tapi jelek itu bukan penyakit menular dan bukan penyakit turunan (ok, secara teknis itu turunan sih...); jadi kalaupun teman saya secantik BCL ga akan mungkin dia bisa ketularan muka Bali dan kulit gelap saya cuma dengan nongkrong bareng. 

Kalau maksudnya kelakuan yang jelek, saya bisa mengerti karena kelakuan jelek memang menular. Tapi (lagi-lagi) selaku pemilik kelakuan selama 30 tahun lebih, saya ga ngerasa kelakuan saya jelek. Kerjaan saya legal, dan gajinya lebih bagus dari orang kebanyakan (I rock, baby!), punya tunangan juga orang baik-baik dengan kerjaan mapan, pengisi waktu luang saya gulang guling baca buku atau berita dan menulis di blog saya. Boro boro nyusahin atau nyakitin orang, saya aja jarang banget ketemu orang hehehe. Sayangnya fantasi orang ga selalu didasarkan kebenaran.

"Jelek" bagi saya adalah suatu sikap. Sikap untuk sengaja menyakiti orang lain demi kepuasan pribadi, dan/atau menginjak orang lain demi kepentingannya. "Jelek" itu sikap tidak mau mempertimbangkan perasaan orang lain, dan/atau merendahkan orang lain demi kepercayaan dirinya. Kalau pekerjaannya tidak terhormat apakah jelek? Tergantung. Kalau dia tidak menyakiti orang lain dalam proses/pekerjaannya ya itu urusan dia. Kalau pasangannya yang ga oke, ato keluarganya yang broken home, atau segala aspek pribadinya yang ga sesuai standar di masyarakat? Selama orang ini tidak menyakiti orang lain apa urusan kita kalau dia tidak, ah, "sesuai standar"? Jangan rempong deh cyn.

Tapi biar bagaimana, saya jadi merenungi kaca saya agak lama esok paginya. Bener ga sih saya itu jelek, baik fisik dan/atau kelakuan? Dan itu menyebalkan. Saya benci harus mempertanyakan diri saya, saya sedih saya jadi berpikir saya "kurang" dari orang lain. Semua agama mengajarkan untuk tidak menyakiti orang lain dan hanya Tuhan yang berhak menilai orang, sialnya entah kenapa manusia malah sering menyakiti sesamanya dan merasa berhak menilai orang lain. Kita bukan Tuhan bo', dan (dalam kepala saya) bapak tua itu juga bukan. Saya langsung merasa lebih baik. Suka-suka loe lah pak...

Cerita "cewek jelek" saya berakhir dengan bahagia: saya sadar bapak itu tidak berhak menilai saya dan sebagai bonus saat temu perdana camer saya langsung bilang saya punya senyum yang indah dan hati yang baik (taelah...). Terlepas dari kepedean saya, faktanya banyak orang yang tidak seberuntung saya. Banyak orang yang dikucilkan karena dianggap jelek, baik karena fisik ataupun karena (kehidupan) mereka tidak seperti masyarakat normal. Dan karena manusia adalah mahluk sosial, acceptance atau penerimaan oleh lingkungannya sangatlah penting. Setiap rejection/penolakan yang kita lakukan adalah lemparan batu tak kasat mata terhadap orang tersebut, dan bagi beberapa orang acara rajam ini bisa berlangsung seumur hidup. Saatnya berpikir, apakah kita memang berhak melempar batu tersebut?