Bridges

I wrote "Witch Fire" a year ago. It was a heart-wrenching piece of what happened when I tried to set boundaries. That's when I started to burn bridges or actively avoid them, because I finally learned to put myself first.

The backlash was intense. I questioned myself. I cried. I almost begged for forgiveness. I was lonely and crushed. I, however, stick to my decisions. My feelings were valid, and I refused to bow down.

It felt like finding myself in a dark street without any light, with only my stubborn pride leading the way. Yet there was help. The comment on the post. My other friends with shoulders to cry on and ears to listen. Hugs and laughter when I needed them the most.

Last week things turned out really bad for me. I still receive the support from my old friends, and also from new ones that I chance-meet because of the path I take from avoiding the bridges, burned or not. A lengthy phone call. Flowers. Hugs and assurance, all of the hugs and assurance.

I found a phrase on Reddit "May the bridges you burn light the way". And oh how bright those bridges burn. Bright enough to see the loving faces around me and to find the path I want to be on. Bright enough to shape my soul.

I am still grieving but I will be better. I am blessed. I am loved. I am grateful.

Not to My Liking

I just ugly cried because of this line in the new Disenchanted trailer: "If this world is not to your liking, then you must change it."

So many things are happening right now that I feel like the ground has disappeared under my feet. Finding a new job. Moving out. Getting treatments. Losing my best friend. 

I hate myself for this. I was supposed to change my job eons ago. I am putting myself at risk by letting go of my apartment. I cried so much and I am so depressed. My poor boyfriend is the equivalent of poor Harry trying to date Cho Chang. The waterworks just don't stop. 

I am tired. I am overwhelmed. I feel weak. I just want to not feel anymore. I have lost this battle. 

Yet I made those decisions. I like my current company so much I don't want to change it. I like having my options even though it led to my current treatment. I know where I want to be, and that's not where I live right now. 

As relationships go, both romantic and friendship, I call the shots when they are no longer healthy for me. When my world is not to my liking, I changed it. I want to say for better or worse, but the reality is I always changed it for the better. The better for me. 

I grieved so much. I am still grieving. I am still scared. I haven't found a job yet. I don't know how my healthcare will be. My future looks bleak and my confidence is shot. Yet I know now: When I don't like my world, I change it. 

I am getting there. You'll see.

Terrible World

The world is a terrible place to be. I hate it here.

On the drive to work we listened to the deadly insulin prices. About anti-abortionist who decided since she was raped and regretted her abortion then it applies to other people. About wildfires.

The world is horrible. The people are even worse.

It makes me question why am I even here. Still not good enough for nirvana, obviously. Yet most people are simply Gollums with better masks. They'll steal and kill and hurt to protect their 'precious'. Such loathsome creatures. I don't want to be here anymore. It hurts. It's stupid. It's making me angry.

Yet there are meals to cook and cakes to bake. There are laughter and games to be played. There are books to read and movies to watch. There are hands to hold and lips to kiss. There are shoulders and a chest to lay my weary head on. 

Right now I still hate it here. But it's not so bad. It really is not so bad.

Wealth

I took a long nap instead of doing chores yesterday. It was a privileged moment. Being able to ignore chores and resting in a safe, comfortable place is wealth indeed. Getting cold, clean water to drink was bliss. I cooked a simple meal and it's again a sign of wealth. The kitchen space, the spices, the instant pot and nonstick pans, the sharp knives.

We think of wealth as equity building, with numbers and brands. Millions and billions of dollars are a lot, but so does the ability to rest. The unpaid days off I took when I can't deal with life, the rideshares and takeout I paid when I am overwhelmed, all of these are my 'Hit button on emergency' which I am privileged to afford. Even my therapy sessions are a privilege, despite the fact that I can barely afford them.

It looks bad. It sounds bad. It's not. Not by a long shot. I am privileged. I am wealthy. I have a safe place where I can rest and heal. I have people helping me and keeping me safe. I am protected from the elements, from lack of basic necessities. I can shower, I have clean clothes, I have food and water. There's only one way and it's going up. I have handrails ffs, with lights illuminating every step of the stairs.

What is that to say for other people not as privileged as me? Those who still have to toil under LA's severe heatwave? Those who can't afford the 'hit button on emergency'?

It's time we see comfort and mental health as something equally important as physical health. A broken mind will eventually break a healthy body. The tension from stress and anxiety is hell to our bodies, and it easily led us to unhealthy behavior to cope with it. It's time we start seeing humans as a whole: body and soul. An increased minimum wage with no safe place to live and no time to better yourself is not an answer.

When you champion for change, remember this note. When you want to better the lives of the unprivileged, remember this note. We can make the change. We should make the change.