Punching Bag

The biggest lesson I had in 2021 was that I am allowed to say no. 

Sorry, let me rephrase it. 

The biggest lesson I had in 2021 was that my feelings and opinions matter, and what other people feel about that is a "them" problem. I don't need anyone's permission to act or feel a certain way.

This take is obviously problematic. This is, arguably, exactly how douchebags act. Do what you want regardless of the consequences, because we are entitled to it thanks to our traumas and experiences. 

Except that we're not.

I realized now I am a people pleaser. I will go above and beyond to make sure people (I love) are comfortable. I took their anger and bad mood and neglect with "Oh that's just who they are." "They can't help being miserable, and I am naturally a happier and stronger person." "They got more on their plate than I do."

I am very, very lucky. My job is nice and sorta kinda pays the bill. I am debt-free. My coworkers are awesome. I am friendly, attractive, fun. I don't have kids. I have almost zero responsibility. My mental baggage is big but my balls and stubbornness are bigger. I can take the hit.

But I shouldn't.

Whether intentionally or not, hurt people hurt others. It's graceful to be understanding, to patiently hold someone's hand and their crushing grip as they struggle to breathe. It's kind to let people cry on our shoulders. Yet it's horrible to take advantage of someone's mercy under the guise of "They can take it" or "They have it better".

I didn't ask to be who I am, to be (mostly) unproblematic. It's not fair to expect me to always understand and carry someone's burden, no matter how strong I seemed to be. Even a broken, traumatized stray dog can and should be taught to not be reactive; to understand some people are trying to help and love them. It wasn't on me to make others' lives better.

I am allowing myself to say no to this. I am allowing myself to set boundaries. I am giving myself the respect I deserve, the care and love I am worthy of. It's a hard and painful lesson, but one I am grateful for. Thank you, 2021.