Christmas Lights

#ChristmasLights

The Christmas lights were hanging prettily this evening. As the night grew darker, the balls of light seemed to be hanging there like ghoul fires so often told in my native tribe stories, or like magical floating bubbles straight out of the fairy tale. Either way, I was at peace. 

The holiday lights drive through was a part of my Christmas gift from my friend this year. I was envious and angry at the start of the drive, thinking of all the 'family' I was brought into and kicked out from during my previous relationships. All the things I loved and lost.

But this is the first Christmas in the US where I was no longer chasing shadows. Where I no longer go one party to another for fear of being alone. Where I no longer have to strive to make things perfect for a family that didn't accept me.

This year is a horrible year for me, even worse than when I got my divorce. I am still struggling with my self-worth, with my depression, with my newly reopened trauma that made a comeback as dramatic as the alien popping out of a guy's chest. Everything is on fire and I just want to curl and hide. I just want to be forgotten.

Yet everytime I seem to fall to my demise, my friends catch me. Even when they didn't know they did it. To them is merely appreciating someone they care for. To me it's a safety net that I can't break free from. Not that I ever want to break free.

The night was chilly but the lights were pretty. For the first time in so many months I can see my future again instead of being obscured in fog of self-doubt. I will be alright. I can walk again. I can do this.

Merry Christmas, love. Thanks for the gift of love and of life you all have given me.