Swipe Right

The realization somewhat came as a shock to me. The men I swiped right on the dating app did not swipe back at me. 

Honestly, I am not even mad. I noticed I have my own preferences, and therefore it is not fair to be angry at people who have their own preferences. So what if they don't like me because of my skin color or my body type or how I look? Did I not do the same? 

I know how easily this could go wrong for many people. The doubt that starts to set in, the questions in our head. "Why am I not good enough?" "Maybe I should tweak my profile to be more enticing." "Maybe I should post better pictures. Leg pictures. My legs are gorgeous."

And then comes the anger and frustration. Rejection after rejection, days or months of feeling unseen. We start to get bitter. We are angry for those who passed us by. It feels we are standing in a giant hall and repeatedly passed on to play for the teams. We are the 6s and 7s, the average C team that is not even good enough for the average B team. 

For men, it's convoluted with bots and prostitutes. For women, an endless array of f- boys. I am not sure how it is with LGBTQ+, but I am guessing the same. It feels we are panning for gold in a dead mine, with absolutely no reason to believe this will work except for our dumb blind hope.

But what are we really hoping for? A happily ever after? A 'Eureka!' moment? Our last 'first date'? Or are we just trying to find some sort of acceptance in this miserable world? A person to share a bite or a drink with, even when we know we will never see them again after? A warm bed and body heat on our skin even if only for a mere hour or less?

The world is cold and lonely. It is also very confusing and tiring. Here's to us finding that one person to share our umbrella with. Here's to us finding that safe space where we could put our guards down and relax. Here's to us exploding in tiny joy over fun experiences and warm smile. Even for a brief second.

This world of online dating is an uncharted territory, filled with menace and dangers. It's also filled with treasures untold, even those who are merely passing by. Isn't this exciting?

Broken Wings

How many times can wings be broken?

How many times the feather strewn

The bones shattered and poked out from the skin

How many times I can see the ground

Speeding swiftly before my eyes

The sharp intake of breath I take

Knowing the impact is near

The sound of my body on the earth

And broken wings yet again

How many times for real

Apparently the answer is "not enough"

As I stood on the cliff once again

The tears not even dried yet

The bones not even healed yet

The wings are all crooked and weird

But the smile, the goddamn smile

Here is the world and the world is mine

Even if I fall yet again the flight is worth it

Because human is the most beautiful thing

The earth has ever seen

And I'll fly over and over again

I'll crash over and over again

Just to experience what it's like to be human

To see how beautiful they truly are

Wings outstretched

Arms open wide

The crown stays on

Let me fly again.

.

.

.

.

.

#poem #poetry #movingon #adulting #retrospection #leapoffaith #blackcatwanders

Kept Woman

I am angry today. I had to do something I am scared of tomorrow, and it reminds me how alone I am.

My friend will take me there and wait for me. Others will pretty much be on standby should I need help. I am not alone.

But I can't hold them close until I fall asleep. I can't bring myself to bother them much because they have their own life and responsibilities. 

With that, the waves of "Why am I not good enough" came through. I am gorgeous. I f-ck well. I cook even better. I am caring. I am loving. I can be your queen or your whore, your saint or your troll, your knight or your damsel in distress.

Then why the F I am not good enough to be kept.

I know I just haven't met the right one. I know my standards. I know I am not the easiest to deal with. Right now I don't want to hear that. Right now I want to scream and yell and cuss. Right now I want to smash chinas and rip sheets.

Right now I want to cry on somebody's shoulder, being hugged and have my hair stroked gently until I fall asleep. I want to be told it will be ok. Right now I just want to have a love that's only for me.

Don't worry, I will smile again tomorrow. Let me have this anger today. I will be fine.

Exist

Have you ever be thankful that some people simply exist?

Of all the life choices they made they are here. With you. With us. In some extreme cases they could just book it out early but they didn't. And the sum of all those choices are their current existence.

This existence inspired us, motivate us, and change us accordingly. It could have been as mundane as seeing someone with a good hair color and decided to dye your hair accordingly, or an extreme one where you decided to change yourself.

It could be something as subtle as "Nah. I don't think X will be comfortable with it." Or a little bit extra push as "I will do this because I know Y believe in me and I want to prove them right." Or it could even be spite motivated "I *am* not going to be like that douche Z".

We ourselves are the sum of our actions and people we met along the way. We ourselves change the world and people around us simply by existing. Yet maybe none of us really understand this. 

We are nothing, we humbly said. Was it humbleness or our inability to accept how impactful we are, how even our smallest action could lead into great consequences?

I am glad that the people around me exist. Those who treat me like family. Those who guard me and my happiness valiantly. Those who make me want to be a better person just for them. Even those who forged me through the trial of pain and fire.

I am glad they exist. I am a better person because of them. And if the day come where they can't exist anymore in my universe, I know I will still be glad that I met them and have them close for a while.

Besties, thank you for everything and more. Thank you for existing in my world. I love you all as much Anakin hates sand.