If Only

I bought a Wii balance board and spent my Saturday laughing and cussing at it. According to Wii Fit I am not balanced, a couch potato, and with little stability. Oh and I was between 45-51 year old in Wii Fit age.

I laughed and I smiled. And then I cried. 

My non-existent balance and lack of agility were the inside joke between me and my ex-bf. He would have had a field day seeing me on the Wii Fit. It would have made him smile and laughed too. It would made him so happy and joyful.

And he almost did. He had the Wii. He had the balance board. He offered me to use it when we were together. I said yes but never follow through. I didn't know what it was back then. He never set them up, either. 

I am sad because it could have been a core memory that we had. Another precious memory like us dancing while waiting in line, or the cozy afternoon napping on the sofa with Star Wars marathon.

Will it be enough for keeping us together? Maybe not. Our differences are too big. But we could have that stolen moment together. I could've smiling remembering that moment of happiness with him, instead of the current "If only..."

Happiness is but a fleeting temptress. It will pass you by in a blink of an eye. You can't expect it to last, nor that you will have a second chance at it. You just gotta grab it aggressively. No matter how mundane you think something is, just take life by the hand and run with it.

Every smile counts. Every peal of laughter counts. Every "I love you" counts. Every embraces, every night you spend together, every meal you shared. You get my point. 

I haven't gotten over him. My healing is still in process. There will be so many "If only..." for me. The private Millennium Falcon ride. The blues dancing lessons. My Deathstar. The new outfits that I bought.

Yet the Wii Fit hits me the hardest. I wish I could give him that last happy moment. I wish he could have something happy to remember me by, instead of the harsh break up. I wish he could remember my glowing face when I am with him.

Alas, I can't change time. The Wii didn't happen because neither of us made effort for it. We didn't happen because our effort did not meet each other's. All that is left is to move forward. Onwards to the next adventure, to the next happy moments. One day the gap will be filled. One day.

Until that day comes, I still love you to the Deathstar and back.