Love 2020

I stood naked in front of the full length mirror in my hotel room, seeing myself in the complete glory for the first time in forever. 

The whale blubber on my stomach. The back fat that would crisp up nicely if I ever get roasted. The chubby quarantine chin. The different sized eyes. What a delicious sight. I love her then, I love her even more now. 

I smiled lovingly at myself before jumping on the bed and snuggled next to my unassuming boyfriend, who has been innocently playing with his phone. He was another reason I love myself a bit more.

Ah, love. It is such a dirty word these days. Such a twisted concept. In an era of hookups and thinly-veiled  prostitution, in a time where cynicism rules and everyone is up for themselves, there is no place for love.

I used to promote it so heavily. Even made a book about it. How love saved me and we should strive for it. That went down as gloriously as 2020. I learned my lesson that love is not for everyone. That some people are not worth the love, or not lucky enough to find one who can reciprocate the love equally.

Tales of love became a cringey Facebook fodders, a way to flaunt one's luck over another. Even when it wasn't meant that way, it's too understandable when people get offended. Genuine love and respect is such a rare thing these days that people went mad and broken trying to find it.

On the other hand, we can freely talk about our pain. In fact, it's so freely aired that it can easily overtook love at any given time. Love stories are reduced to nothing when news of discord reached public. It seems we have to keep pretending we are all good to save our face, to prevent the cynical "I toldja so".

The judgement came so swift and hard that in the end we kind of lost it. We lost what love really is because we were overpowered with what love is not. We are so worried with failure that we dare not share what makes us happy.

For me, it's the whisper in my ear "Don't eat the exhibits" and the suppressed laughter when I still innocently said "Oh yeah, abalone is delicious" much to the horror of Santa Barbara Sea Center crew.

It's the pretend long sigh followed by "Come on, do your Asian thing" as I posed for one more picture. Or the "what should I feed you?" throughout our weekend trip knowing fully well that's my joy in life.

It's the embrace at the end of the night, at the end of a fight. It's the spoken and unspoken "Sorry I was a dick" whenever one of us hurt each other. It's the "Yes, we will" answer to my "Are we going to be fine?" question.

It's not a happily ever after. Nothing is. Failures should be celebrated as much as achievements. We should focus on what we have as opposed to focusing how long will we have it. We should focus on what we love, including our very own self.

I cuddled with my boyfriend a little bit tighter, conveniently ignoring his playful "Iss hottt!!" exclamation. I love who I am right now. I love who I am with right now. For this brief moment, the world is fine right now. I can't ask for more.