Homeward Bound

7 years ago today I was at the deepest end of my loneliness. I just wanted to be loved. I just wanted to be special for someone. I just wanted to be…wanted. I was driven to the edge and decided to ruin my life. Cue online dating. With white guys. 

It's a big no-no for my conservative society, but hey, f – it. Somehow sexual advances seemed a pretty affordable price to pay in exchange for solid conversations and a chance to be who I am: smart, witty, sensual. They could be serial killers or predators, but at least I get to talk about the US election and not met with a blank stare. Or as I've been told so many times: "Don't look too smart."

7 years ago on February 28th I flew to Jakarta to met an internet stranger, a man from an online dating site. This year I will fly to Bali from Los Angeles to meet my family, a fresh off the boat immigrant with all her ducks in a row. My craziness pays off, even though the price was so high I am still paying it off dearly.

I should be happy, right? No. I am frightened. I have been putting off this trip for a long time and I dread having to go. I sat on my friend's carpet the other day and wept, telling him how scared I am to fly home. He said I will be ok and he will be around. I told him I don't trust him, for the first time ever.

What if I can't go back to LA? What if I have to lose my life here? All the swing dancing and board gaming, nights at the operas and days at the museums? What if the constant "Hey" and "Sup" and "Wyd?" in my messages again be substituted with silence and replaced with a constant reminder of how grotesque I am, being so far from the idyllic beauty that prevails there? 

I have been inconsolable. Here I am the person I'd love to have as a friend, there I could be chained again and reduced to nothing but an empty shell. I don't want to lose myself again. I don't want to be that empty shell again. Eyes look down, bracing for the hit. No more. No more.

I am counting hours before I have to leave, and with passing time I became calmer. This is what freedom gives you: a pair of wings to fly and a pair of balls to protect your freedom by any means. I know my rights and what I deserve, and I am not letting anyone take that away from me. Not anymore.

I hugged my friend extra tight the last time I saw him, trying to muster the strength and courage in me. I am Ary. Whatever comes, I am still Ary. No one can take that away from me. He hugged me back, giving me the assurance I need. "Smack those b*tches up," he said. I grinned from ear to ear, "I will."