Lesson in Loneliness

#LessoninLoneliness

I lost quite a few friends in my life. Some we simply drifted apart, some with a drama that will put reality tv series finale to shame. Some like a bad breakup, we simply stop talking cold turkey.

The latest trim hits me hard as it seemed unfathomable, even though I knew it was coming. I had to tell 4 different people about it just to get it out of my chest. I don't take friendship lightly and my fear of abandonement is chronic. It was painful.

This is the end, I thought. In my mind the chain reaction will start and soon one by one everybody will leave me and I will be alone. As always. I cursed myself internally and wishing I'm normal. Wishing I am less outspoken and more 'fit in'.

Yet as I step in another dance floor a couple of days later, and as I tried to fit people in on my weekend agenda I realized: I am surrounded with friends. 

There are people in the dance club who always seemed happy to see me. There's the lady on the bus who shared her biscuits with me. There are tried and true friends who stick with me no matter what. I even have better friendship with my exes than with some people I called 'friends'.

When I fell into despair over losing yet another friend, I gave myself a little peptalk: "Did you hurt them? If yes, is it intentionally or an accident? Is it something that you can fix? Or is it just because you are you?"

I asked myself: "Do you really want to be with somebody who can't accept you for who you are? Someone who choose to see only one side of you and not as a whole, not even trying to understand the reasoning behind that side of you which they choose to see?"

The answer is, as I giggled across the dance floor, as I strutted into a game shop with my super short romper and all eyes upon me, as I flexed and stretched in a yoga session at the gym, the answer is no.

And it's tough. Not many people have the strength to walk this earth alone. We want to be with someone, we want to be accepted. It plays to our basic instinct to group together. Herds have better chances of survival than a single lone creature.

Yet at the same time, human is a complex creature that has the ability to think and weigh consequences. We are multi-faceted diamonds with many sides and it is impossible to appeal and accepted by everyone we met. We can hope to, but we can never force someone to like us.

It is sad when I feel alone and unliked. The world doesn't stop rotating, though. There's music to dance to and shows to attend, board games to play and delicious meals to be cooked. When you are comfortable with yourself, the number of friends can't bother you much.

Then again, are we ever lonely? The smile we give and kindness we show in our daily life go a long way. I have bus drivers whose face lit up when they see me simply because I always come on board with a smile and get off the bus with a cheerful "Thank you!" Are these not our tribe, too?

Even our belief is not exclusively ours. There's 7.7 billion of people in this planet, statistically there's gotta be other people who see things the way we see things, who shared our preferences. It won't be a complete copy of us as each person in unique, but it means we are not completely alone in our thoughts.

Go read this again but change 'friend' to 'boyfriend/girlfriend'. This writing will still be relatable. Don't be sad if you are not somebody's diamond or a side of your cut is not acceptable to them. You are still beautiful and the world still appreciate the beauty that you offer. Loneliness is not always a bad thing.