The Tears Were Falling

11 pm and the tears were falling.

I asked my date to go to an event with me and I thought his answer was lukewarm (read: reluctant). I went into a frenzy and wrote back in panic, over-explaining my request because I was worried he was uncomfortable with it.

As I texted the explanation, the tears started to fall. "Please don't get mad at me." "Please don't hate me." "Please be nice to me." "I won't ask again." "I promise I will be good." "Please don't go." "Please don't hurt me."

Two years had past and I am still in this f*cking rut. I know it was not my fault. It was not my fault the marriage ended. It was not my fault he cheated on me. It was not my fault that he treat me that way.

When I typed my text I forced myself to think clearly. I have all the right to invite this man to come with me. If he freaked out, if he's not ready or not willing to, if he left because I made him uncomfortable, so be it.

I stepped into the shower to cool down my head. The cold water shocked my body, but my mind was still elsewhere. Opening up to a new person is frightening. You laid yourself bare and at their mercy. With the intimacy, the ghouls rose.

"It's ok," I whispered to myself, hugging the pillow hard, "It's ok." I shivered under the thin blanket. "He is not him. He will not hurt you." I blinked hard, holding back tears. "It's ok," I said loudly with a choked voice, "It's ok."

I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be treated decently. I deserve to be respected. I deserve to be given an equal amount of love and attention that I can give. I deserve to be free of fear.

Yet it's 11.53 pm and the tears were still falling. The pillow under my head was wet with tears. He has texted me to assure me it's all fine, but I still curled up in anguish. I want this to end. Please. I don't want to feel this way anymore.