Happy Birthday to Me....

 

It's my birthday today, and I feel estranged. 

I have just recently move to a new city in a different continent. I haven't been here long enough to make new friends, and given to my shy nature, it will be a while before I can have best buddies here. Another problem is that my hometown has 15 hours time difference with this town, so all my friends and family already said their greeting and well wishes tomorrow. It feels so awkward to wake up in the morning of my birthday, and knowing it is already "tomorrow" in my hometown. It feels so lonely.

I remember when 2 of my university friends sneaking out from my room to bought me a cake when I was in the shower, AND leaving my room door wide open. I remember taking a time off on my birthday when I was in Jakarta, because it was such a luxury between my work and medical classes. I remember being ecstatic and joyous when celebrating my birthday at my Bali office (Boss, if you read this, I just want you to know I never forgive you for destroying the company). I remember the last birthday dinner that I cook on our small rent house: Shepperd pie and Lasagna in white sauce. I remember the lunch on the year before that: Pork on skewers, grilled on my front yard; and grilled mantis shrimp for pre-birthday party the night before that. I remember my first birthday dinner with my dad and my family, reunited again after almost 11 years living separately; I was so happy that we are together again, so sad because my ultimate birthday gift (an engagement ring) was being held by FedEx+Indonesia's custom (and eventually lost), so in love because my fiance gave me a virtual birthday date on Slovenia's beautiful forest and meadows through texts and photos. They were fun moments.

I always try to give myself a little luxury on my birthday, after all you only born once hehehe. But as I grow older, I also use the birthday as a moment of retrospection and setting goals, asking to myself: I got more time to live, what will I do next? This question hits me hard on certain "milestone" ages: 25 because I am technically grown up, 27 because that's the limit of getting a new career in Indonesia, 30 because I am officially mature (and boy do I feel sexy that day!), and now 31 because I am officially aging lol. It really is hard to decide on what I will do for the remainder time of my life when I can't see people that I know and love and the reason I live for. And fear paralyze me, that just as they are literally one day ahead of me now, they will also leave me behind soon enough and move on with their life without me.

Then my high school friend Skype me. We talked and giggled and gossiped over her latest crush, and in the end she said thanks for the fun and for giving her positive thoughts. Then my fiance and I discussed about the many aspects of Zimmerman trial. Then I read news about an American being murdered by his taxi driver in Thailand over a dispute regarding $1.6 fare, and an outrageous commentator that wrote: are they THAT poor to kill over only $1.6 ?? (to which I will say: for some people in some part of the world, $1.6 can feed a whole family for a day). These so happen are the things that I discussed in this blog: how to make you feel good about yourself and how to be good to others, how to stop inequality and how to start treating people as equal, opening eyes and broaden mind of what others might think or how they perceive thing. This is what my writing is all about, quest for a better understanding of ourselves and others, to simply be a better person. 

Then my other friend contacted me on Facebook, and through our conversation I have ideas on what I will do professionally. Then my fiance contact me again and made me realize, what I have lost briefly during my depression this morning, how much we love each other and how fortunate I am to have him in my life. If I am Orpheus then he is my Eurydice, and I will not think twice to go to the underworld to save my beloved. That is how much he means to me.

So in a nutshell in just 3 hours I got my life goal back, my job/future career laid out in front of me (which is still a bit hazy, but I know I will figure it out), and my "Happily Ever After" set dead in stone. This bizarre sequence is, in my mind, God's way to say: Chill out girl, I got your back. And you know, what? He always will. That's just how it goes. People come and go,and the world will not stop for any of us. I can spend my remaining time on this world in fear and watching my past move on without me, or I can lift my head and live my life to the fullest even if it takes me to uncharted territories. World will not wait anyway, better go and make sure I live (and love) it to the max.

Thanks for reading this and be a part of my birthday, experience a slice of my life albeit only the 5-10 minutes you take to read this article. It was a great pleasure meeting you too :)