The World Is Not Enough

I spent yesterday afternoon with Chase Bank because my ex-husband (whom I had restraining order on) registered for an online account using my email address. Chase basically said there's nothing can be done.

The thing is, I knew this will happen. I knew the moment he realize I am single again, he will pounced and try to come at me again. My ex-boyfriend can be menacing and my ex-husband is too much of a coward to come at him directly. But now my ex-bf is gone, I am fair game once again. I am, after all, his property.

Later on I had a screaming match at 2.30 in the morning with a friend's entitled party guest. He took offense that I did not kiss the ground he walked on and did not hide my contempt on his behavior and attention-seeking attitude. My host later on expressed that as much as deserving he is to be yelled at back, my host will be the one that has to deal with the fallback.

I am mad. I am furious. I am sad. Yesterday should have kicked off my birthday weekend: Friday Party, Saturday Swing Dance, Sunday board game madness. Friday ended up with me being considered as an asshole. Too tired for the swing dance. People cancelling Sunday because of new mask mandate. Had I kowtow on Friday, maybe at least I could save my Saturday.

But why? Why should I bend the knee? Why should I accept being treated like I am nothing just because I am a woman? Why should I be a sitting duck, a target just because I have no man to protect me? Why is my worth counted only based on the man I have?

I am a year shy from 40, and I am still nothing without a man to protect me. I am still expected to 'not rock the boat' because some men can't take being brought down to the level they really are. I am still being demanded to be 'considerate'.

How I wish I could be just that. Obedient. Patient. Aloof. Let the toddler run around and do what they want. They can't hurt us anyway. Just shrug the tantrum away. Don't take it personally. Can you imagine how peaceful my life could be? Why can't I be that? Why am I born this rebellious "go f*ck yourself" @sshole?

It seems I am in a constant struggle to be acknowledged as a person and that is not very assuring. It seems my path is clear that it would be a horrible bumpy road due to my unwillingness to yield and obey, or simply because I am born a woman. It is a depressing thought.

Happy birthday, dear Ary. The world will always be a depressing place because you were born with balls in the inside and vagina on the outside. But you know what, babe? It's gonna be fine. Even if it's not fine, we are going to make it fine. The world is not enough, but it is such a perfect place to start.

Sesat

Kata orang kita melawan covid. Konon. Tapi bagi saya, kita sebenarnya melawan segala kebatilan di dunia.

Kalau ngomongin kebatilan, pemikiran kita langsung ke esek-esek, judi dan miras, segala perilaku tidak terpuji dan demenannya setan. (Dan Setan pun yang: "Ih kok gue lagi yang dibawa-bawa??"). Tapi apa sih perilaku batil itu? Apa sih yang disukai setan?

Setan konon senang melihat manusia sengsara. Karena manusia yang sengsara nggak akan ingat Tuhan dan akan berpaling dariNya. Manusia yang sengsara akan menyengsarakan manusia lain, dan tambah banyak orang yang berpaling dariNya. Semakin banyak yang sengsara, semakin bahagialah oom setan. Laskarnya berlipat ganda.

Bukankah itu yang terjadi saat ini? PMKM/lockdown baru menyengsarakan masyarakat luas, terutama kaum marjinal. Cari makan tambah susah. Harga-harga makin mahal. Kalau sampai terkena covid yuk mari bye bye karena rumah sakit dan tenaga Kesehatan sudah tidak ada. Ini salah siapa? Ya salah kita yang tidak perduli dan menyengsarakan orang lain.

Sebagaimana penyakit apapun, yang paling menderita itu orang miskin. 

Kaum marjinal dan menengah bawah belum tentu bisa mengambil vaksin. Entah kendala data diri, kendala transportasi, atau ya memang tidak sanggup mengambil day off untuk meredakan efek vaksin. Vaksin itu kan memang bekerja dengan mengaktifkan daya tahan tubuh, jadi merasa meriang atau bahkan harus istirahat full itu ya wajar.

Boro-boro mereka bisa isolasi. Sudah lupa ya banyak orang Indonesia yang hidup di rumah petak, bersempalan tanpa ada social distancing. Nutrisi pun tidak seperti kita horang kayah yang tinggal pesan makanan online. Kalau sakit, ya walahualam. Mungkin lebih baik sekalian meninggal daripada berjuang hidup meninggalkan hutang bayar obat dan perawatan yang mungkin tak akan pernah terbayar.

Seorang teman bersikeras bahwa ini virus yang tak pandang status social, semua bisa kena. Iya, tapi opsi perawatan saat kena itu beda antara yang berduit dan yang tidak. Apa iya tukang becak punya kenalan agar bisa masuk waitlist rumah sakit? Atau abang gorengan bisa titip konsul foto thorax ke dokter paru saudara jauh?

Bagi kita yang lebih beruntung daripada saudara-saudara kita ini, buat kita yang kerja kantoran dan keluarga (lumayan) terjamin, buat kita yang berpendidikan dan mampu berpikir, ketidakpedulian kita akan covid adalah sebuah kesesatan. Kita menjerumuskan, bahkan menggali makam, untuk saudara-saudara kita yang kurang beruntung.

Seharusnya kita mampu berpikir apa dampak tindakan kita, postingan kita. "Gue sih nggak papa!" Ya iya. Elu ga kenapa. Nah yang lain? 

Jalan-jalan saat covid positive, apa nasib si mas waiter resto yang mungkin pulang ke rumah yang ada anak kecil atau warga sepuh? Menolak karantina sehabis bepergian atau party berdesakan dengan alasan "sebelum/ setelah party hasil negative!" bukan berarti kamu tidak membawanya pulang. Apa kabar orang-orang kecil yang kamu temui sepanjang jalan? Bagaimana orang-orang yang mungkin melihat postingan anda dan meniru tanpa melakukan prevensi sebagus anda?

Lalu jempol yang seolah tak bertulang posting ini itu, menafikan covid dan menantang imunitas. Apa iya kamu berani kena covid tanpa ada akses finansial dan kesehatan seperti halnya orang-orang pinggiran? Apa iya kamu rela berdesakan menunggu dapat hospital bed, dan pasanganmu yang kinclong mau mengantri tabung oksigen?

Para penegak hukum yang membawa pulang uang hasil sitaan dari pedagang kecil dan politikus yang bermandi dana bansos harusnya dipermalukan, bukan malah "syukurlah Tuhan masih memberi rejeki." Elu ngambil rejeki orang, cuy. Gerai-gerai besar yang tidak ditindak dan tetap buka harusnya dihujat di media karena tidak memikirkan nasib masyarakat banyak. Entah berapa banyak yang terpapar hanya akibat antrian BTS meal di M kuning.

Orang Indonesia getol menyumbang kanan kiri, terutama saat hari raya/upacara keagamaaan. Orang Indonesia semangat membangun rumah ibadah, agresif pelesir suci atas nama pembersihan diri. Tapi bilamana manusia dibuat Tuhan dari jatidiriNya, bukankah semua manusia itu berharga? Bukankah semua manusia itu penting? Lalu kenapa kita tidak bisa berpaling dari diri kita sendiri dan bukannya melihat apa yang terjadi di sekitar kita?

Vaksin. Taat prokes. Bila ada uang lebih nggak usah jalan, sumbangkan ke driver ojol atau delivery driver yang sudah membantu kita. Bersuara lantang pada berita hoax tentang covid, dan menolak keras orang yang memanfaatkan situasi. Kalau dibilang anda sales covid, ya nggak kenapa. Lebih baik jadi sales covid yang mungkin menyelamatkan manusia lain daripada nggak perduli dan pasti menjerumuskan.

Kita ini orang mampu, nduk dan ndoro. Tugas kita untuk menolong yang tidak mampu. 'Kelebihan' kita bukan anugerah, melainkan amanat. Ingat itu.

The Pearl

I love myself. I really do.

It is always taboo to say that you love yourself. It is conceited at best, delusional at worst. Surely one should be humble enough to not aired it. Is it not more elegant to not publicly acknowledging it? What good of such tactless announcement will make?

But I love myself. I love my winning smile. I love how my curves look. I love the seductive way I walk in high heels. I love the ruthless point-hungry monster when playing board game. I love how well I cook. I love how adventurous I am. I love every single part of myself.

Yet all of those are not an ode of how great I am. All of those are gospels of how great my tribe is.

That smile is the result of uncountable hugs and 'just checking on you' poured indiscreetly on me. My bosom-up-back-straight is the result of the confidence born from shamelessly loved. Be it in person or by electronic means, I was loved ruthlessly by my tribe. The type of love that flow more freely than a river, much deeper than the ocean. 

I love my ex-boyfriend. I think a part of me will always love the person he is. The sharp pain was unbearable when I left him, but with each passing moment the love I received form a protective coat over that thorn. One at the time, day after day. It is no longer intensely painful. In fact, my life with him now feels like a distant memory or even a dream in the multiverse.

This is what love do. Love protects. Love accepts. Love is the beauty that covers the pain. Not making it disappear, but to lessen the impact. For we will not be able to appreciate what we truly have unless we accept the pain. And I am loved abundantly.

I love who I am because it is a reflection of how much love I have received. From my friends, from my family, from my ex-lovers. Each broken part was covered in gold, each pain is layered with comfort and care. Each makes me the beautiful person I am. The pearl. The rare jewel.

I accepted that. I accepted humbly that there must be something good about me that makes my tribe loves me and care for me so much. Even when my impostor syndrome kicks in, I firmly told myself that I have to trust my tribe. Just because I do not see anything good in me, it does not mean they see it the same way. Do I not put them in highest respect? Why do I doubt them, then?

This acceptance is the hardest part of my growth. It is too easy to play victim, to resign to "nobody loves me" or "I am not worthy of love". With that mindset, you can easily shift your failure to someone else. You can hide behind that excuse as to why your life is miserable. 

To accept you can be loved means taking the full responsibility of your action and how it affects your life. To accept it means accepting the reality that you could be the true villain and you just keep f*cking up royally. It takes different kind of balls to man up and be open to such consequences.

But oh how worthy the payment is. How beautiful you would be if you let yourself grow, if you let yourself heal. I have never felt more beautiful, stronger, fiercer than I am right now. It feels like walking to war in a set of indestructible armor. I am the proudest pearl that shines and gleams, grateful for the pain and the love that made me who I am.

I still think of him at times, still hoping the best for him. Father's Day, birthday, he was still in my mind. That chapter is closed, and happier chapters start filling the book. I wish him the same peace and happiness I found, wherever and however he may find it; also for others who still think they are not worthy of love. 

It is ok to be not ok. It is ok to be vulnerable. It is ok to graciously accept love. It is ok to believe in kindness. It is ok to accept help. Be the best version of you, scars and everything. There is so much good in this world still. Trust me.