Jump On The #MeToo Bandwagon

Why do women come in droves with the #MeToo and #TimesUp movement? Because there is safety in numbers.

I have heard people dismissing these movements, claiming the allegations as nothing but an effort to get fame or money. I silently weep every time I hear it.

Last year I wrote an article in Indonesia about infidelity. It went viral with over 2 million recorded hit just on my blog, the only thing Indonesia's netizens talked for a week with my face pretty much on everywhere, and secured me a book deal on self-help.

The reason was because I inadvertantly started a #MeToo movement. Men having an affair is considered normal there, especially if you have money or power. It is also taboo to speak ill of your husband or to air your woes.

What do women do when it happened to them? They cry in silence. They vent to their closest friend. They have to just accept it, as divorced women are considered second class citizen by many.

When I break that door in Jack Torrance style, I made it known that their, our, situation is far too common. That it is not just celebrity or high rollers who can fight when things like this happen to them. That, most importantly, they are not alone.

The comment in that blog article reach over 1500, and I still get a new one now and then. The reaction is the same: "Oh my God!! That happens to me too!!" A lot of them use anonymous name, but their voice, their feeling is still there. And, maybe for the first time, their experience is validated.

Will any of them speak out publicly had it not been because of the viral article? Maybe not. There is too much at stake. As I said, it is considered ill-mannered to 'air your dirty laundry'. You'll get blamed and scolded instead, and your life will be extra miserable.

I, on the other hand, has nothing to lose. It's the perk of living in a free society 8000 miles away from home. A simple share and like on Facebook, and boom, the floodgate was opened. It's not okay anymore to have an affair. It will not be overlooked that easily.

This is, in a much larger scale, essentially what happened with #MeToo movement in the US. It's not 'jumping on the bandwagon', it's 'finally collectively loud enough to make my voice heard'. It's 'finally collectively big enough to make it matters'.

One allegations, two, it wont save you. Ke$ha, for instance, in 2016 accused Dr. Luke of sexual assault. The common reaction I saw for that case was: "Who is she anyway?" "She knows it's coming," "Why does this even matter?" Not many celeb was willing to take a stand and support her.

Even now, the gesture still stand. Celebs and commoners rallied up against those who already got thrown under the bus, but not those who are still prominent enough to sit on the bus with them. It's both 'cover my ass' and 'pitchfork mob' mentality.

And you wonder why these women (and men) didn't come sooner? As if you would actually hear their voice and make a stand for them? As if you wouldn't just dismissed it with "It's expected from the industry"? Because taking a stand by yourself is useless. You need an army to move the mountain.

Even right now, I still hear people saying: "They could have said no. They could have not put themselves in that position." You know what the perpetrator could also do? Not abusing their power. Not taking advantage of the people who had to work with them. Not choosing to sexually assault people.

This is the real, real core of #MeToo movement: a wake up call that such abuse of power is intolerable, that you cannot just do what you please and think it is okay. That respect and consent is vital. This is the core idea that, as you can see, can easily be implemented in many, if not all, aspect of life.

What we also learned from #MeToo is how society as a whole may choose to silence the dissenting voices to stabilize and preserve the status quo, i.e. to keep things as it is. Unless there is something big enough to wreak havoc and disrupt the society, nothing will change.

It is up to us as individual to stand up for things we truly believe in, and have balls to defend what we think it's right, even if we are the only No in the sea of Yes. You'll never know how many other 'No's that you might find, or how many other people that will say: "Oh my God, me too!!"

It involves looking at things objectively, comparing only datas and facts and steer clear from opinions and hearsays. It involves being empathatic. You may not agree on one's action or you may think it is not what he/she described, but that doesn't mean his/her feeling is not valid. So yes, it will be very hard.

Can we do it? Of course we can. We abolished slavery. We made progress in equality. We are more aware in the plight of our surrounding, both human and nature. Now we are tackling respect and consent. We have progressed so much as a race, and it's not gonna stop anytime soon. Yes. Yes, we can.

Jualan Daging

Jualan daging katanya. Padahal banyak yang jadi simpanan pejabat dan pengusaha demi mobil terbaru dan tas terkini. Nggak apa-apa. Toh 'menikah'. Peduli setan bini asli tahu atau nggak.

Jualan daging katanya. Padahal banyak yang harga diri dilibas, menjilat pantat atasan asal dapat promosi. Nggak apa-apa. Toh 'terhormat'. Peduli setan dipakai seperti tisu toilet.

Jualan daging katanya. Padahal banyak yang menginjak orang lain demi bisa 'naik', nggak perduli berapa banyak korban. Nggak apa-apa. Toh 'mapan'. Peduli setan semua yang terkapar.

Jualan daging katanya. Padahal banyak yang menjual rahasia orang biar dianggap tahu, atau menikmati pergunjingan tanpa bersalah. Nggak apa-apa. Toh 'Update'. Peduli setan benar atau nggak.

Jualan daging katanya. Padahal banyak yang menggunakan dalil agama untuk memuaskan nafsu belaka, atau sekedar terlihat suci. Nggak apa-apa. Toh 'religius'. Peduli setan kelakuan aslinya iblis.

Jualan daging katanya. Padahal banyak yang tutup mata melihat sekian orang teraniaya, tutup telinga atas tangisan orang yang ga berdaya, tutup mulut 'asal gue selamat'. Nggak apa-apa. Yang penting ga jualan daging.

Sori ya beib. 

Kalo loe bertahan dengan pasangan loe karena dia bisa ngajak loe ke kafe mahal, elu jualan daging

Kalo loe mau jadi pasangan ekstra walau tahu pasangan asli tersakiti, elu jualan daging

Kalo loe bersabar jadi keset orang 'tenar' demi ikut 'tenar', elu jualan daging

Kalo loe mementingkan tampilan diri daripada menolong yang butuh, elu jualan daging

Kalo loe menggunakan gossip untuk jadi beken ato merasa paling 'in the know', elu jualan daging orang

Begitu juga saat loe mengorbankan orang lain untuk jadi lebih hebat. Daging orang loe jual.

Puas loe? Bangga loe?

Gue ga peduli elu siapa dan apa pekerjaan loe selama loe ga nyenggol gue. Gue ga peduli preferensi seksual elu selama elu ga nyenggol gue. Sebaliknya, jangan coba-coba ngutak-ngatik gue selama gue ga nyenggol elu karena loe ga punya hak.

Iya gue janda kembang. Ada masalah?

Iya gue bekas bule. Ada masalah?

Iya gue aktif secara seksual. Ada masalah?

Kita nggak mau dianggap rendah sama orang lain, sementara mulut dengan mudah dan serasa tanpa dosa melontarkan hinaan terhadap orang lain yang kita rasa lebih rendah dari kita. Logikanya dimana? Tapi kan mulut ga pake logika ah, dan saat kita direndahkan tinggal merasa teraniaya. Yuk mari.

Sori ya beib, sekian banyak ilmu agama yang dipamerin di fesbuk, sekian banyak kutipan kitab suci yang beredar di watsap, sekali loe merendahkan orang lain cukup sudah kredibilitas loe dimata gue. Karena kalo loe bisa merendahkan orang lain, apa jaminannya elu ga merendahkan gue?

Gue dari kecil dibilangin gue 'spesial'. Yang sampai posisi duduk dan sharing makanan diatur, ga boleh sembarangan. "Ingat namamu," kata keluarga. Yang gue ingat cadaver/mayat yang gue bedah di pelajaran anatomi. Semua sama. Nggak ada namanya. Nggak ada catatan imannya. Semua mati dan gue buka badannya pakai pisau bedah.

Sori kalo gue ga anggap loe spesial karena siapa elu, baik fisik materi reliji dan segala tetek bengeknya. Karena buat gue saat loe mati semua sama. Gue anggap loe spesial saat elu memperlakukan orang lain dengan sepantasnya, karena itu yang akan membuat perubahan bagi dunia.

Kalo loe 'jualan daging', gue ga peduli. Gue lebih peduli sama yang beli daging loe. Karena mereka sangat mungkin ga jujur sama pasangannya, sangat mungkin berlagak baik padahal kelakuan bangsat. Jadi siapa yang parah? Yang terang-terangan jualan atau yang beli tapi munafik?

Gue jualan daging juga kok. Gue manfaatin banget fisik gue untuk membuat hidup gue lebih nyaman. Nggak ada yang nggak hepi melihat senyum lepas dan wajah yang bahagia, dan gerak badan yang menunjukkan kita menghargai lawan bicara kita. Loe ada masalah?

The Woman in The Strip Club

"Treat her nicely!" the woman pointed out to my (then) husband, still in striding position over his lap. We both looked at her, pretty shocked. "Uhh.. okay," he finally said. I was still at loss for words. "I mean it. She is a good woman," she exclaimed, her bare breasts in front of our faces.

Yes, a stripper did tell my (then) husband to treat me nicely, at a strip club. Aren't girls awesome? 

Whenever I hear women empowerment, my thoughts always went to that night in Arizona. You don't call out your customer like that, yet she felt the need to speak out and made safe her fellow Southeast Asian woman. If that is not empowering, I don't know what.

You need to understand why I am in awe of her, and why she is such an inspiration for me. When I met her I was still blissfully married and I and my husband were madly in love, yet there she was, already rooting for me. In comparison, after the divorce, I was pretty much left to fend off myself alone in the US.

Today is the anniversary of my official divorce decree. It feels weird, to be honest, to say I am divorced. As time passed, the marriage period and my short stint as a Stepford Wife seemed more like a dream. Memories held, but the pain slowly ebbed away.

And these are all thanks to the people around me, the smiles and kind words that made me through the days, one at a time. Especially the women. My boss whom I hug tightly when my world crumbled underneath my feet. My coworker who was ready to call the cop when she saw I was scared.

Then there are the women who stood up for me and listen to my woes. There are new friends who took me under their wings. Women who, after reading my article, come in droves to wish me luck. And of course, that woman in the strip club.

A friend and I had an argument on Azis Ansari's case. She called it sexual assault, I said it's not. What was unsaid in the argument is: had it been someone I know, be it man or woman, I will be at his/her side in no time at all to comfort him/her and make sure he/she doesn't feel alone. No question asked.

Isn't that what we need? Put out the fire first and assess the damage before assigning blames and playing Captain Hindsight. I may not agree with your actions, but I will not turn blind eyes when somebody needs me. So much easier for everyone than the usual "Well you should…"

It's not always easy, though. Especially if that person keeps making the same mistake or just plain annoying from the get-go. It's hard to sympathize, let alone empathize, with someone whom you are just dying to b*tch slap from sheer frustration. 

The moment I felt I can't do that, I try to remember her. Maybe she saw something that I failed to see. Maybe she was hurt before. Maybe she was intoxicated. Whatever it is, she was the first person in the US that actually say: "Treat her nicely!". I am grateful for her presence. Now it's my turn to do the same.

We all deserve to be treated nicely. We all obliged to treat other nicely as well. Men, women, genderless, everyone deserves this, everyone is obliged to. This is what empowerment feels like. This is what decency feels like. This is what we need to pursue.

I hope she is well. I hope life treats her good. I hope the universe keeps her safe, just as she tried to keep me safe. Because caring and empathy know no border, it flows freely to those who are in need. We're long overdue for that river to flow and cleanse us all.