The Unloved

It's 6.30 am in Pomona and the street walkers are still out. One in tight leather skirt. Another in bright pink assemble. One woman, maybe not street walkers, sat at the bus stop in her nightgown with empty gaze.

Who will love them? Who will love the unloved? The ones huddled beneath all their belongings, their weak roots desperately grasping for some anchor even when knowing how easy they can be yanked once again.

Who will love those who only have their body to sell? It is not an easy way to make a living, but it will have to do. And even when you just had enough, you have to keep pushing through. There ain't no rest for the wicked.

Who will love the person who was screaming her head off at the bus stop? So erratic and so angry as if the world had taken everything good she ever has. Maybe the world did. Sometimes even God can be a dick.

It's a cold morning in Pomona. The sun shines gently atop the gold medallion tree, making their yellow flowers look even more bright and beautiful. I have my job, my lunch, a place to go home to. Life is good.

In another world a mere click away a war is raging between the vaccinated and unvaccinated, between progress and tradition. A constant race on the tiny screen to be the goodest boy/girl of all. Mining for likes, panning for fame, digging for followers.

Yet for the unloved none of this matter. None of the comfort I have is theirs. None of the debate, the race to glory, the keyboard war affect them. None of these will help them. They are invisible.

Good morning loved ones. I see you and I see your pain. I feel your struggle and I taste your bitter tears. I apologize for the hurt the world put you through. I love you then. I love you now.

The Plague

I am thankful for the USA. I have always been thankful, but recent events made me even more thankful.

Take Covid in Indonesia, as an example. Remember when we got so fed up with people stockpiling toilet paper and the price of hand sanitizer went through the roof? A friend told me in her city, an oxygen tank that was usually sold for $35 is now sold for $484. The Covid medicine Actemra that was sold for about $550 (around $750 in the hospital) is now a whopping $12,450 in the drug mafia. That is if you can get it.

Antibiotics are gone. Hospital beds are gone. Healthcare workers are diminishing from Covid infection and overwork. But that's maybe why the people take such small care about Covid. Health and longevity are reserved for the rich only or those with titles. Only Lords and Ladys deserve to live, others are meant for the grave.

This is what's so different from the USA. We talked about inequality over and over again. While it is great that we set our eyes on being better, we often forget how far ahead we are compared to other countries. 

Here in the US, I have the right to live. Not just living, but actual quality living. I deserve not only ways to keep this body of mine staying alive (food, healthcare, etc), but also staying alive in a way that nourishes me. I deserve to be treated as a human being, not a peasant whose only sole purpose in life is to feed the rich.

I know a lot of Americans feel that way. With billionaires' space race and politicians' arrogance, we are nothing but their pawn. But this is America. We can still have so much more. You could have jobs, school, everything if you wanted to. It is not easy for some, but it's not a definite "no" just because you don't have the same religion, or even not the preferred sub-race, skin color, or weight.

I am thankful for Americans who step up to help others, seeing nothing but fellow human in need. I am thankful for Americans who did not step up to help others, but at least not sneering and talking shite about what a useless action that would be. I am thankful for Americans who look down and made it public that selfishness is not an option.

It never was. Not in America. Even when there are those who will double down on being a dick (from both sides of the fence), there will be others who will furrow their brows and said: "That's not cool". As a person who previously thought I had to continuously fight on my own just to 'live', that made so much difference. 

It is always heartbreaking to see Americans seeing horrible things about the US. It was a painful road to obtain my citizenship and I am still paying for it right now, but it's worth it. The freedom is worth it. The equality is worth it. The safety in financial and human rights is worth it. 

I hope Americans can see this instead of continuous squabbling because the world needs our help. Indonesia, India, remote parts of Asia. We are the world's distant cousins who have the job, the stability, the power to make other family members behave. We are important enough to force that delusional aunt to give proper care to her children. We can make a difference.

Please, for the love of anything holy and the mercy of everything grand, please get our heads out of our asses and help them. This is 2021 and in Indonesia the people who can afford to live are only those with money and social status. How absurd is this?

The World Is Not Enough

I spent yesterday afternoon with Chase Bank because my ex-husband (whom I had restraining order on) registered for an online account using my email address. Chase basically said there's nothing can be done.

The thing is, I knew this will happen. I knew the moment he realize I am single again, he will pounced and try to come at me again. My ex-boyfriend can be menacing and my ex-husband is too much of a coward to come at him directly. But now my ex-bf is gone, I am fair game once again. I am, after all, his property.

Later on I had a screaming match at 2.30 in the morning with a friend's entitled party guest. He took offense that I did not kiss the ground he walked on and did not hide my contempt on his behavior and attention-seeking attitude. My host later on expressed that as much as deserving he is to be yelled at back, my host will be the one that has to deal with the fallback.

I am mad. I am furious. I am sad. Yesterday should have kicked off my birthday weekend: Friday Party, Saturday Swing Dance, Sunday board game madness. Friday ended up with me being considered as an asshole. Too tired for the swing dance. People cancelling Sunday because of new mask mandate. Had I kowtow on Friday, maybe at least I could save my Saturday.

But why? Why should I bend the knee? Why should I accept being treated like I am nothing just because I am a woman? Why should I be a sitting duck, a target just because I have no man to protect me? Why is my worth counted only based on the man I have?

I am a year shy from 40, and I am still nothing without a man to protect me. I am still expected to 'not rock the boat' because some men can't take being brought down to the level they really are. I am still being demanded to be 'considerate'.

How I wish I could be just that. Obedient. Patient. Aloof. Let the toddler run around and do what they want. They can't hurt us anyway. Just shrug the tantrum away. Don't take it personally. Can you imagine how peaceful my life could be? Why can't I be that? Why am I born this rebellious "go f*ck yourself" @sshole?

It seems I am in a constant struggle to be acknowledged as a person and that is not very assuring. It seems my path is clear that it would be a horrible bumpy road due to my unwillingness to yield and obey, or simply because I am born a woman. It is a depressing thought.

Happy birthday, dear Ary. The world will always be a depressing place because you were born with balls in the inside and vagina on the outside. But you know what, babe? It's gonna be fine. Even if it's not fine, we are going to make it fine. The world is not enough, but it is such a perfect place to start.