The biggest thing about abuse is that it never actually goes away. Even when it no longer hurts you, just like a scar you could still feel it. You know it's there. Some days it will still bother you, like itchiness or short uncomfortable pain.
Like scars, you will be burdened with insecurity. Since the most common MO for abusers is to destroy confidence in order to gain blind obedience, people's acceptance is everything to you. You are a horrible person that doesn't deserve love or respect and you need to make sure everything is perfect else the whiplash will come.
Like scars, abuse defines you. It is visible no matter how much you try to hide it. It is ugly. Very ugly. It shapes how you act, how you think, even how you love. Your whole life revolves around how to hide it. You smile and laughed gaily, but it only took one observant person to see the ugly truth in that split second your mask cracked.
And even when you can make peace with it, even when you are proudly carrying your scars as proof that you survive, there will be times when it hurts. When you just wish it wasn't there. When you see yourself as lesser or even a loser to allow yourself to get scarred.
I have scars and I need to learn to be ok with it. Time won't heal them unless I actively tend them. As much as I wanted a crutch to help me walk, someone to lean on, in the end it is my responsibility to love myself. To be kind to myself. To accept the scars I carry as a part of my journey, and nothing else.
The scars are here to stay, but so am I.
