Hugs

I had a breakdown again today. I swear if I can rip my heart and reset my memory to before I met him I would. This whole process is bovine excrement.

But I can't. My only option is to do it again and again and again, until my conscience grew bigger than that pain. I'll do better, and then suddenly I am stupid for choosing him. I am not worthy to keep. I won't find love. I am a failure.

It would have been a hard fall. It is a hard fall. Spiraling down, down, down. Pitch black surroundings, cold uncertainty. And you just never really hit the ground. You just suddenly suspended in time, and when you think you have learned to breathe normally, you fall again. Repeat until the end finally hit. 

But I didn't. Somewhere along my fall my friends catch me. They plucked me from my fall and wrapped me in blankets of their love. I'm still crying, I'm still hurting, but I am comfortable. I am safe.

Over and over again I fall. Over and over again they catch me, forcibly taken me from my misery, and keep me safe from myself. It's the warmth of the fire in the hearth on a chilly winter night. It's the cup of tea you sip in the morning. It's how love supposed to feel.

Love doesn't judge, and I wasn't judged for my despair. I feel weak and filthy for still not over him yet. But they don't see that. They see someone they care about in pain, and they rally up to ease my pain. This is something so pure, so delicate, so precious.

I don't know what the future holds. I am in so much pain still that I recoil at the thought of future intimacy, of future romantic entanglement. But I know I am loved right now, and this warmth will help me heal.

I still think I don't deserve all this love and care, but I also know that this is an argument I neither will win nor have the strength to argue at the moment. Sometimes all you need to do is accept help gracefully and thankfully. And heal yourself. Heal so you can help others.

Thank you for all the ears that listen, for the heart that opens wide, the love that is endless. Thank you for all the hugs, virtual or physical. Thank you for being my friends. I love you with all my heart.