Just A Trim

I had a haircut last Saturday. I finally bite the bullet and get an appointment at a recommended hair stylist. An appointment. Fancy that. I just need a trim, I told myself, it will be ok.

It wasn't easy. If it wasn't because of BF I would have gone to Supercut instead. I just need a trim. Why waste money? I don't want to waste money on something that won't be noticeable. I had to tell BF to force me to keep the appointment. I need this.

On the day of I was a wreck. My hairdresser was amazing but I was rigid and scared. Do you want to color? Do you want a full cut? No, I said. Just a trim. Short and simple. I don't like to be touched. I don't like being invisible on that chair as hairdressers so often treat me. I don't like being in the mercy of others. 

Snip snip, the hair fell. Kat keeps talking to me soothingly. Snip snip, more hair. I looked at BF in panic every time she asked me something, and BF conveniently was always on his phone. Bitch. I know that he did it on purpose to make me communicate with Kat directly, and I am grateful. Snip snip, and then we're done. 

A wave of inexplicable feeling flooded me. I was glad it is over. I was sad it is over. A part of me snickered and said I am not good enough for $40 hair trim, and what was I thinking?! A part of me think I should have gone balling and went with full haircut and color. I can afford it. I deserve it. But do I really?

"It's ok," my best friend once said, "You showed the world so much love, it's only gracious to accept the love they offered back." What if he's right? What if I do deserve the love? What if I do deserve good things in this life just because?

I can think of so many ways of how I am loved by people around me. 8 years and counting, this foreign soil has made me grow. Yet a part of me stubbornly think they were just duped, or that they are just so awesome that the act of love towards me is not because of who I am but because of their awesomeness.

I know I should be kinder to myself, but it's very hard. It's a huge step for me to get accustomed to finer things in life, to put myself first and not keep fretting about others. Even though I am starting to get used to nicer items and experiences, I still don't believe I deserve to be treated nicely.

One step at a time. It's just a trim, now. Next time it will be a full cut. After that it will be color. And more after that, and more. Self-love is not an easy thing to do, but one day I will love this hideous monster with all my heart. I will see her worthy of love as I see others. One day. Starting with a trim.