Affordability

It's ok to not afford things. Or choose to not afford certain things. 

I realized this when I went for my Disney weekend. Was it expensive? Terribly. I was only allowed to pay a portion of it and it is still not cheap. Yet even after the damage was done the numbers on my credit card statement hardly scares me.

Five years ago I would be miserable. I remember going to Knott's the day after I was married and I keep asking him, "Is it ok? Can we afford this?" I wasn't working then, but even after I was working I was still pinching pennies.

For what, you asked. I dunno. Maybe it's the partner I have then. It's a constant feeling of we don't have enough. That we could use the money somewhere else. It was bitterness all around. Fear and uncertainty, too. Lots of it.

The biggest victory for me was gaining my financial freedom. In a crumbling marriage, tinkering with my bank accounts provide me with the feeling of control I so desperately needed. I can't fix my marriage, but holy hell buying jewelry and adult toys feels good.

I made the conscious decision to not afford certain things. I stay in my miniscule apartment. I don't have a car. I eat the same meal for lunch for a full work week. I budget for things I want and if I can get it cheaper I squirrel away the rest.

It's a sad life of extremely long commute. Of Whole Foods dinner date and budgeted groceries. Of an apartment so small and messy that when I took a man home most of the time it's only because I already know I don't want to keep him.

Yet it's also signing off the receipt for your boyfriend's souvenir glass as he argued "I can pay for this" while you smirked and said "I can, too." Because words can't fully explain the gratitude for the way he choose to love you.

It's the ease of getting two opera tickets instead of one, albeit only in an affordable section. Or to finally get that new bedframe so it doesn't creak as much when I am being 'active'. Or just to go eat wherever I feel like to.

By choosing to not afford certain things, I give myself a chance to afford other things. By choosing to not sweat on things I can't get, the peace of mind I feel only gets sweeter. The freedom is mine.

Life is a game of choices. I am grateful for where my choices brought me.