"But what if it doesn't work?"
A part of me roll my eyes every time the question popped up in my head. Then we get a new dick to ride on, I would crudely answer. What's the big deal? It's not like LA has limited options.
Broken heart and emptiness inside are easily fixed with the song of the city. LA is a delectable lover that never leave me lonely and sad. I will be fine even without a special someone.
Yet the question persisted. I would glance at him and feel like the world is all right, only to be replaced by the icy cold feeling that it will not last. Soon enough the spell will be broken.
He would grew tired of my insecurity. He would be bothered with my clumsiness. He would be annoyed with how I viewed life. He would be repulsed with my many self-centered hobbies.
I am not pretty enough to make him stay. Not vivacious enough to be kept. Not rich enough to give him a pampered life. I can't even use the correct tenses and gender pronouns.
I don't deserve this. I know I don't. He could very well be sending me on my way like I did to men before him, or I can send him off because I am too broken and stupid to know how to love.
And then death will come. Not a real death, but the emptiness in his heart where love no longer reside. The way his eyes will turn into dark abyss where the light can't reach. And then it will be over. Again.
I should stop thinking about it, because it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. And honestly, good dick is really not hard to find. I should just enjoy what I have now instead of fretting the future. Am I not one tough cookie?
Insecurity is an ugly monster that makes you feel and look worse than you really are. It's not sexy. It's disgusting. It also very conveniently drown you alive, suffocating you and preventing you from being, well, alive.
I am fighting it even though it seemed like a lost battle. There are too many times I want to call it off and run away. I didn't, though. Not yet. Good job, Ary. One step at a time. We can do this. We deserve this.
And one day maybe, just maybe... "A dream that you wish will come true..."
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