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Saturday, July 2, 2016

I Like Myself

I like myself. I really do. Not 'Like' in an overly narcisstic way but still hides my flaws and insecurities, but 'Like' as in totally cool with myself and accepting, even embracing, my flaws and insecurities. I kinda think this acceptance is a pretty big deal.

Facebook has been kind enough to 'remind' me about the past with its "See your Memories" (also known as "On This Day") feature. This last week or so I have been bombarded with pictures and posts about me leaving to US. Yep, this week was my 3rd "Arrive in US" anniversary. I like the girl in those posts, the sweet innocent lass full of hopes and dreams; but I like the woman I am now better.

Back then I was scared, full of doubt and uncertain about myself. I have good love and big heart, but I was also insecure and kept on worrying if my love and affection was good enough. I have the flaws, the fear, the insecurities; but I had hoped, and this is where I get myself wrong, that my partner will accept and understand them. It was wrong because I am the one who should accept and understand myself, flaws and all. I lived through life pretending I was strong, focusing on my work and achievement yet deep inside I was hollow. Deep inside I was just this scared little girl, so effing tired of life.

And now I am here in Los Angeles.

The past 3 years have changed me a lot, and not in a bad way. I have a job that I like and I can be proud of what I do. I can do whatever I want, I can be whoever I want to be. I can dressed up or down, I can even wear pink tutu to see a Broadway play and nobody would stop me. I can eat, drink, shop to my heart's desire. I can go anywhere I want to. People here think I am beautiful. People here think I am smart and witty and well-spoken. People here think I am special, and I feel special too. Which is a better feeling, in my honest opinion, than the outcasted feeling in the (sometimes judgemental) Indonesian society.

If the last 3 years has prepped me, the last 3 months has shaped me into an even more special existence. I am a quick thinker and a quick adapter. I can see why I did things and I know why it should be done, there was no regret or second guessing. My fears and insecurities were presented before my face over and over again and I manage to triumphantly overcome them. I was dragged down with horrible words for so many times, and each and every time I can prove to myself that I am not those words. I did the best I can in each and everything I do. I took responsibilities and accept the consequences. Life gives me trials and I pass its exams.

Look at me. I am bright and beautiful. I am happy and easy going. I am strong yet full of compassion. I communicate so well online shops are busy giving me vouchers and freebies. I have a big enough heart and an impressingly clear head that I can still help my friends even when I was grieving myself. I talked to people casually on the street and give (or given help) when in need. I have the faith that my days will be good not only because I deserve it, but also because I can make it happen. I write better, think better, talk better. And people like this new me. My Facebook engagement shot up, I talked more with my friends and family, I am even content by being with myself.

Like iron ore forged in the smith's furnace, I transformed from a lump of metal to a beautiful well polished sword. I was burned, I was hammered, I was subjected to treatments that alter my soul, and here i am right now: swifter, sharper, more beautiful than ever. The impurities (a.k.a my insecurities) have been purged out off me. My hopes and dreams were discarded and I attain new purposes for life. I know my worth and I am confident enough to demand as such. There is darkness lurking there too, and the ability to hurt someone. I am a sword, what do you expect?

There are people who would think me saying all these things is a sign of how insecure I am still, that I need public reassurance to prove I did good and that's how pathetic I am. And what if it is? Changes in us does not happen overnight. It is an ongoing process and yes, sometimes we need help and reassurance. Just like people doing group weight loss or posting before-after pictures in Facebook, our journey to better ourselves can also benefit from public support and encouragement. Nobody knows what we are going through and nobody can help us unless we can be honest and open ourselves. And sometimes we need help. Sometimes we need to hear that we don't suck that much. Sometimes we need second opinion on how to better ourselves.

Besides, reading a feel-good-life-triumph story is always fun; why not share one?

Thank you for all your trust in me. Thank you for listening me blabbing my woes day and night. Thank you for your kind words when I need the most. Thank you for being the friend I wanted, and the friend I needed. Thank you for being a part of my ongoing journey. Thank you for making me who I am. Thank you, for everything.

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