Scars

The biggest thing about abuse is that it never actually goes away. Even when it no longer hurts you, just like a scar you could still feel it. You know it's there. Some days it will still bother you, like itchiness or short uncomfortable pain. 

Like scars, you will be burdened with insecurity. Since the most common MO for abusers is to destroy confidence in order to gain blind obedience, people's acceptance is everything to you. You are a horrible person that doesn't deserve love or respect and you need to make sure everything is perfect else the whiplash will come.

Like scars, abuse defines you. It is visible no matter how much you try to hide it. It is ugly. Very ugly. It shapes how you act, how you think, even how you love. Your whole life revolves around how to hide it. You smile and laughed gaily, but it only took one observant person to see the ugly truth in that split second your mask cracked.

And even when you can make peace with it, even when you are proudly carrying your scars as proof that you survive, there will be times when it hurts. When you just wish it wasn't there. When you see yourself as lesser or even a loser to allow yourself to get scarred.

I have scars and I need to learn to be ok with it. Time won't heal them unless I actively tend them. As much as I wanted a crutch to help me walk, someone to lean on, in the end it is my responsibility to love myself. To be kind to myself. To accept the scars I carry as a part of my journey, and nothing else.

The scars are here to stay, but so am I.

The City of Angels

I heard the man walking slowly behind the bench I sat on. I don't need to hear his quiet moan to know every step he take was painful. I knew it well enough from the very small step he take and from the scratching of his walkers.

Just like the city girl I am, my initial instinct was to crouch my body and duck as he walked passed my back. You don't ever, ever open your self to possible assault. Race, gender, nothing matters here. The only thing that matter is how composed vs erratic the person is. But my heart sank with pain. His pain.

As he walked further away from me, as he gain more distance to where I finally feel safe, my heart grew heavier. His left feet was bandaged by a plastic bag, and judging from the growing stain on his jeans it appeared to be bleeding or leaking puss. His very used up blanket didn't seem to be of much use in cold LA morning.

And I wanted to comfort him so bad. I wanted to go and ask if he needs food because I'll be happy to give the beef and broccoli my bf gave me for lunch. I wanted to come and ask him how can I help him. I wanted to hug him or just hold his hand. I want to call medic because healthcare should be a right, not a privilege.

I can't. It was not safe. So I sat there feeling like a loser. I sat there crying internally for his pain. I prayed and begged the world to be kinder. But to him, I did nothing. And he may be right.

But a man tried to hold the bus for him. It didn't work because he walked too slowly. A Metro officer then hold the next bus for him, even waiting for him and helping him getting on that bus. The driver let him in without fare. This is the city of angels and people look after each other in our own small ways.

Yet to some, the transients and the homeless are merely point notes. It's something you mentioned to incite reaction, to get brownie points. "Look how much we care about these people that god forbid we have to interact with" or "Look how much danger these lazy good for nothing people possess"

They are human. They are living, breathing being. They have hopes and dreams and feelings. And yes, they can be dangerous like all humans do. Viewing them from only one point of view, either to overly romanticizing them or to make them a complete villain, is not helping the cause.

Despite the Omnicron surge, I have faith that we are heading back to 'normal'. I have faith that doors will be open again, and the ever relentless LA will rise and thrive again as the true hustler she is. But what about these people? How can LA thrive when her people are unsafe, are in pain?

The answer depends on how many of us Angelenos still kept our wings. It depends on how many of us can see the issue as a whole and thus able to make informed actions. It depends on how far we are willing to go to push the necessary parties, government, big businesses and industries to make changes. It depends on how ready we are to fight for this cause, both by subtle means like raising awareness or by sheer strength.

Because they are human. They deserve to be treated like one. This includes the right to be treated with respect and the obligation to treat others with respect. They are human with all their good and all their bad. A just, humane treatment means betterment for society as a whole. Not an extreme romanticized/villainous treatment, but a just humane one.

So tell me, do you still have your wings?

Wanita dan Manusia

Kita perempuan sebenarnya apa sih?

Hari ini membaca berita tentang perempuan yang dicambuk 100x di Aceh karena berzina, sementara pasangannya dicambuk 15x. Sekarang gini. Kalau yang si perempuan salah karena sudah bersuami, yang mengajak zina bukannya lebih salah? Kalau si perempuan dianggap milik suami, berarti bukannya si pengajak zina ini maling gitu? Sudah tahu hak milik orang kok disambet juga?

Sebelumnya membaca IG story seorang komikus cerita keluarga yang mengadakan QA tentang bagaimana lama di ranjang. Jujur vagina saya langsung ngilu membacanya, membayangkan disodok-sodok ketimun atau bahkan wortel sekian lama tanpa ada kepuasan yang saya bisa nikmati. Mending self-service lah daripada cuma jadi lubang ulekan orang.

Saya jadi terpikir sekian banyak anak muda di Indonesia yang Sabtu nan cerah ini bersiap berbuat maksiat (jyaaaah) atau baru melaksanakannya pulang kerja Jumat kemarin. Saya terpikir sekian banyak wanita yang melakukan dengan beban di pikiran bahwa kalau ada apa-apa mereka yang akan menanggung sendiri. Enak cuma segitu saja sengsaranya pol. Kok kesian sih?

Jawabannya bukan jangan melakukan, karena perkosaan dan pemerasan seksual masih marak terjadi. "Kamu berarti tidak cinta" konon katanya. Nyet, mungkin elu kalau cinta justru jangan minta? Jawabannya juga bukan lelaki jangan minta. Realistis saja, saat ini banyak lelaki di Indonesia masih kekanakan dan tidak akan bisa menahan diri.

Jawabannya adalah perlindungan dari pemerintah. Sudah saatnya pemerintah Indonesia melihat wanita sebagai warga negara yang setara dan punya hak yang sama dengan para pria. Pencambukan tidak adil di Aceh harusnya diprotes dan dihentikan oleh pemerintah pusat, karena tidak adil. Segala bentuk pelecehan seksual harus ditanggapi dan ditindak serius. Bahkan hak anak harus dilindungi dan orang tua wajib menafkahi anak sampai berumur 18 tahun, walau mereka bercerai atau kawin lagi.

Tanpa perlindungan dan keberpihakan pemerintah, wanita di Indonesia ya tetap akan menjadi bulan-bulanan. Contoh nyata dari dampak keberpihakan pemerintah yang saya lihat di Amerika/daerah saya tinggal adalah sedikitnya pelecehan seksual terhadap pekerja. Pelecehan seksual adalah salah satu momok yang amat sangat bisa membuat seseorang dipecat dan di blacklist dari bidangnya. Wajar semua orang berhati-hati. Ini juga berarti wanita bisa bekerja dengan tenang tanpa takut dilecehkan. 

Orang-orang yang terjerat kasus pelecehan seksual banyak yang berasal dari negara yang juga kurang menghargai wanita, misalnya Asia dan Amerika Latin. Atau dari daerah di Amerika yang agak 'terbelakang' soal kesetaraan hak. Kesimpulannya adalah kalau kita mau berubah, kita yang harus menfasilitasi perubahan itu. Kita yang harus saling menjaga.

Dampak positifnya adalah kemajuan. Kita mau maju nggak sih? Mau jadi "Macan Asia" nggak sih? Perempuan adalah aset bangsa. Kesian banget kan kalau hanya lelaki yang harus berjuang. Perempuan juga yang mengandung anak, yang mana bibit bangsa. Bagaimana mau maju kalau perempuan hidup dalam ketakutan, hidup tanpa dianggap?

Sudahkah kamu menghargai perempuan hari ini? Apapun jenis kelaminnya ya, karena kadang perempuan lebih buas kepada sesama perempuan.  Atau mungkin lebih tepat bila saya bertanya: sudahkah kamu menjadi manusia hari ini?