Fat Rolls

We were talking about body positivity in my burlesque class yesterday. This picture is everything I hate about my body (fat rolls) and everything I like (a pair of really nice legs). 

I know this picture disgust some people, and I apologize for that. I personally think it's fine on being uncomfortable with excessive body fat. Some people have perception on what they are comfortable with, and what is not. But to hate, mock, attack? It's never fine. 

It's a difference between not liking coffee, and berating anyone who drinks it. Keep your preference to yourself. 

Yet in some culture it's so pervasive. The "lose weight to get better life" mantra was spoken in good intention. The "whale washed ashore on the beach" joke was nothing damaging. Your whole life and worth is based on other people's perception, and trust me when I say it's like chasing the high. It will never ends.

Any relationship will have ebb and tide, high and low. It is not a calm lake with no change. Yesterday I took a video of me practicing the burlesque routine and felt really good about it. Today I am disgusted with the jiggly fat. But what never change is the feeling I have during my interaction with my body.

It's choosing to remember the moaning sound a man made when I am bouncing on top of him, instead of continuously worrying I looked like a melted cupcake from his angle.

It's choosing to feel excited when a man 'accidentally' brush my legs with his legs, or intentionally caress my thighs with his hands with my consent. The flabby fat deposit is there, but does it really matter?

It's choosing to feel the whole person in my full embrace. The fatty upper arms and neck/chin folds allow me better surface area to feel them. To love them.

Being not chosen, not wanted, is a horrible feeling. It's a trauma that I have always struggled with. I tried my best to ensure the people I care about don't feel that way, even after we parted way. It's time to extend that love to myself. I choose you, self. I want you.

Hugs

I had a breakdown again today. I swear if I can rip my heart and reset my memory to before I met him I would. This whole process is bovine excrement.

But I can't. My only option is to do it again and again and again, until my conscience grew bigger than that pain. I'll do better, and then suddenly I am stupid for choosing him. I am not worthy to keep. I won't find love. I am a failure.

It would have been a hard fall. It is a hard fall. Spiraling down, down, down. Pitch black surroundings, cold uncertainty. And you just never really hit the ground. You just suddenly suspended in time, and when you think you have learned to breathe normally, you fall again. Repeat until the end finally hit. 

But I didn't. Somewhere along my fall my friends catch me. They plucked me from my fall and wrapped me in blankets of their love. I'm still crying, I'm still hurting, but I am comfortable. I am safe.

Over and over again I fall. Over and over again they catch me, forcibly taken me from my misery, and keep me safe from myself. It's the warmth of the fire in the hearth on a chilly winter night. It's the cup of tea you sip in the morning. It's how love supposed to feel.

Love doesn't judge, and I wasn't judged for my despair. I feel weak and filthy for still not over him yet. But they don't see that. They see someone they care about in pain, and they rally up to ease my pain. This is something so pure, so delicate, so precious.

I don't know what the future holds. I am in so much pain still that I recoil at the thought of future intimacy, of future romantic entanglement. But I know I am loved right now, and this warmth will help me heal.

I still think I don't deserve all this love and care, but I also know that this is an argument I neither will win nor have the strength to argue at the moment. Sometimes all you need to do is accept help gracefully and thankfully. And heal yourself. Heal so you can help others.

Thank you for all the ears that listen, for the heart that opens wide, the love that is endless. Thank you for all the hugs, virtual or physical. Thank you for being my friends. I love you with all my heart.

Throwing Shades

It's amusing to see people who speak up about immigration sang a different song when the rules are about them.

I have to show proof of vaccination when I apply for US immigration visa, and have to show proof of flu vaccination when I apply for green card.

If you are so adamant about "doing it by the rule", don't be upset when some business/venue/event is vaccination-only. They are just trying to keep their patron safe and comfortable, just like US government. All you need to do to get in 'legally' is to comply with the rule.

If you are gung ho with strict vaccination code, who are you to impose such limitation and rob people from experiences? You don't have any objection people who are not vetted, both for background and health, to enter the premise/US soil. Why change now?

The difference is immigration crisis happens at the border. So far away from our comfy home and self-driving cars. We are most vocal when it doesn't affect us directly, when we are safe from the consequences of our opinions.

There. I called you all out. Happy reopening day, LA.