Happiness

Last year I cried on the floor, drinking plum wine and feeling utterly miserable. (Almost) exactly a year later I cried on the kitchen floor, drinking plum wine and feeling miserable. The difference was this time I was not alone. This time somebody was sitting with me on the kitchen floor, soothing me and patiently waiting for me to calm down.

When I first met my ex-husband I had people tell me that my continuously gushing over him was 'too much' and 'disgusting'. When he hurt me I thought they were right, so I put a lid on how much I share about my (now ex) boyfriend. It would be too embarrassing if I didn't make it again. And I didn't.

But why should happiness be embarrassing? Why are only people in 'successful relationship' allowed to share their happiness? What defines 'successful relationship'? A year without breaking up, 5 years, a decade? Why do we put a limit on when we are 'allowed' be happy?

My ex-husband love-bombed me but I was happy. Despite the massive dumpster fire that was our marriage there were times that I was happy. The same thing with my ex-bf and the trash bonfire that was our end. What happened after, the pain and the sadness and the trauma, it could never take away or erase the happiness I experienced. I shouldn't be embarrassed for being happy because of people who later on hurt me. It wasn't, shouldn't be, on me.

I am choosing happiness this time. I am not waiting to 'see how it goes'. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, I know just like with my other relationships I would have already expend all of my possible effort before accepting the defeat. Be it lasting 3 months or 3 years or 3 decades, I would have already tried my best. I am happy, and that's all that matters.

Itu Saya

Terharu. Itu perasaan saya melihat trailer serial TV Ms. Marvel. Pemeran utamanya berkulit gelap, agak montok, dan nggak kinclong cakepnya. Itu saya. Itu gue.

Seketika membanjir ingatan masa kecil. Si anak canggung yang selalu dibilang "Kurangin makannya!" Yang dibilang lurus pinggang dan perutnya alias bulat. Yang berharap kalau dia cukup cerdas dan menarik maka akan ada yang tertarik sama dia (spoiler: nggak.)

Teringat masa melihat kakak yang super bohai dan adik yang model dengan perasaan frustasi. Dari semenjak pubertas di jaman SMP sampai di masa dewasa, selalu dan selalu hanya bisa menggigit bibir melihat anak gadis yang lebih sempurna mendapat segala kemudahan.

Bahkan hingga sekarang pun saya terkadang masih insecure. Sampai sekarang masih bertanya ke pasangan saya, dia salah makan apa sampe mau sama yang bulat ga jelas seperti saya. Apakah dia sehat jiwa atau sebegitu butuhnya sampai mau sama saya?

Saya nggak dendam sama yang terlahir menarik. Good for you. Baguslah. Saya juga suka melihat manusia-manusia yang menarik, apapun jenis kelaminnya. Tapi ya, tapiiii... Kan kita bisa baik sama yang menarik tanpa menjatuhkan yang konon dibawah standar.

Apa pula sih standar itu? Dari kecil kita dibilang kalo nggak kurus, nggak putih, nggak cakep, maka nggak ada yang mau mengawini kita. Ya nggak kenapa sih kalau calon pasangan juga diharapkan sama perfect nya. Atau cukup kaya untuk mendanai program skin care face lift personal trainer di gym etc. Perfect itu nggak murah, Ferguso.

Nggak kawin juga harusnya bukan momok lagi. Berapa banyak orang yang kawin ujung-ujungnya jadi single parent. Di atas kertas sih masih kawin, tapi pasangan entah kemana. Perempuan sekarang bisa kerja sendiri kok, nggak harus bergantung sama pasangan.

Kenyataannya kadang kita komentar atau merendahkan yang nggak "perfect" itu bukan atas dasar concern/atau kekhawatiran atas nasibnya nanti. Kita kadang komentar karena memang kita jahat saja, jelek hati. Rasanya bahagia gimana gitu bisa merendahkan orang lain. Padahal ngatain orang jelek nggak akan membuat kita lebih cakep.

Dan lihat. Lihat dunia yang terus bergerak maju. Lihat dunia yang tidak perduli akan apa yang menurutmu 'perfect'. Lihat ada tokoh utama, ada superhero yang nggak putih mungil cantik jelita. Mungkin sudah saatnya kita belajar untuk menjadi baik kepada semua orang, bukan hanya yang 'enak dipandang'. Karena kita semua bisa menjadi tokoh utama.

Jadi sebelum mulut menyinyir dan berpotensi membuat seseorang trauma, apalagi anak-anak, yuk dipikir baik-baik. Malu kan ketahuan jeleknya diri kita.

Scars

The biggest thing about abuse is that it never actually goes away. Even when it no longer hurts you, just like a scar you could still feel it. You know it's there. Some days it will still bother you, like itchiness or short uncomfortable pain. 

Like scars, you will be burdened with insecurity. Since the most common MO for abusers is to destroy confidence in order to gain blind obedience, people's acceptance is everything to you. You are a horrible person that doesn't deserve love or respect and you need to make sure everything is perfect else the whiplash will come.

Like scars, abuse defines you. It is visible no matter how much you try to hide it. It is ugly. Very ugly. It shapes how you act, how you think, even how you love. Your whole life revolves around how to hide it. You smile and laughed gaily, but it only took one observant person to see the ugly truth in that split second your mask cracked.

And even when you can make peace with it, even when you are proudly carrying your scars as proof that you survive, there will be times when it hurts. When you just wish it wasn't there. When you see yourself as lesser or even a loser to allow yourself to get scarred.

I have scars and I need to learn to be ok with it. Time won't heal them unless I actively tend them. As much as I wanted a crutch to help me walk, someone to lean on, in the end it is my responsibility to love myself. To be kind to myself. To accept the scars I carry as a part of my journey, and nothing else.

The scars are here to stay, but so am I.