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Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Melibas Kebencian

Ada orang disini yang pasang billboard tentang Islam. Saya padahal bukan Muslim, tapi sakit hati bacanya. Sama sakit hatinya kalau baca atau mendengar orang menjelek-jelekkan orang keturunan Cina atau umat non-Muslim, atau golongan-golongan lainnya seperti Ahmadiyah, Konghucu, atau bahkan PKI. Rasanya saya seperti dicekoki dengan air comberan yang berbau busuk. Sudah cukuplah dengan segala kebencian ini. 

Jangan buru-buru menuduh ini karena pihak A, B, atau C pada dasarnya memang penuh kebencian, atau karena mereka yang duluan menyakiti dan/atau menzholimi, atau berbagai alasan lainnya. Kalau hobi baca berita global ceritanya sama semua kok, semua pihak bisa jadi kejam dan penuh kebencian, semua golongan bisa jadi militan, semua golongan bisa merasa grupnya yang paling benar dan lebih baik dari orang lain. Hindu dan Budha konon agama damai, tapi masih lho ada grup-grup militannya. 

Soal tuduh-menuduh begini juga bukan akar permasalahan, namun sebuah gejala. Nggak usah deh kitab suci agama, buku Harry Potter pun kalau mau bisa saya argumenkan sebagai buku yang mengajarkan kegelapan dan menyembah setan dengan mengambil bagian-bagian dari buku tersebut. Sebaliknya, saya juga bisa bikin seolah buku itu anugrah terbesar umat manusia, lagi-lagi dengan mengambil cuilan-cuilan dari buku tersebut. Semua interpretasi ini kembali ke orang-orang yang mendengarkan argument saya, dan ini sebenarnya akar permasalahannya: kita nggak kenal satu sama lain. 

Saya nggak yakin si bapak yang pasang billboard ini punya teman orang Islam, karena orang Islam yang saya tahu, baik di Los Angeles maupun di Indonesia, nggak ada yang melakukan hal-hal yang dia tulis. Boro-boro Syekh Puji yang mengawini anak dibawah umur, Aa Gym yang kawin lagi dengan wanita yang lebih muda saja banyak yang protes. Kemungkinan yang dia tulis di billboard ini berdasarkan apa yang dia riset/baca di internet, yang ke-valid-annya sangat diragukan, tapi karena 'cocok' dengan apa yang ingin ia percayai ya yuk mari ditulis. 

Sebelum lompat ke 'Konspirasi media', penting untuk tahu kenapa saya selalu heboh mengklarifikasi hoax atau memaksa teman-teman saya bertanggung jawab akan apa yang mereka sharing/sebarkan. Media jurnalisme resmi, yang benar-benar resmi punya pemimpin redaksi badan hukum dan sebagainya, wajib menulis sebenar-benarnya dan harus mampu mempertanggungjawabkan apa yang ditulis serta mengecek kebenarannya sebelum diterbitkan. Minimal mencoba mengecek kebenarannya. Seperti pepatah disini: "If it's too good to be true, it usually is", kalau kedengarannya terlalu muluk, biasanya memang iya.

Masalahnya banyak dari kita, dan kayaknya termasuk si bapak ini, menggunakan internet untuk mendapatkan info yang ingin kita ketahui, bukan yang harusnya kita ketahui. Paling gampang deh, waktu Pilkada Jakarta kemarin semua teman yang pro-Ahok sibuk posting/sharing berita-berita pro-Ahok, dan yang anti-Ahok melakukan sebaliknya. Yang dari sumber berita resmi seperti Detik, Kompas, Tempo, dan sebangsanya bisa dihitung dengan jari (kalau ada), sisanya dari website blog/opini yang semua bisa menulis tanpa perlu meriset atau berdasarkan fakta. Walhasil yang benci Ahok tambah benci, yang benci anti-Ahok tambah benci, dan si Bapak ini yang berpikir sang Nabi itu pedofil.

Satu hal yang saya pelajari saat jadi imigran disini adalah pentingnya bersikap terbuka, dan tidak pentingnya untuk merasa "Ini gue lho!". Saya ingat [mantan] anak tiri saya yang bertanya kenapa hidung saya aneh bentuknya. Mau marah juga nggak bisa, soalnya dia kan memang belum pernah melihat hidung pesek seperti saya hahaha. Sebaliknya, saya mengobrol dengan orang disini juga nggak yang, "Gini gini, lu harus ngerti gue ini siapa, dan lu harus menghormati siapa gue," lalu tersinggung mampus saat mereka nggak ngerti atau salah-salah kata. Mereka mengucap Indonesia saja susah gitu lho. Saya 4 tahun hidup disini bisa kok ngobrol tanpa mention SARA. Kalau dia orang yang dasarnya reseh, ya udah sih saya nggak ajak ngobrol lagi; ga usah repot.

Tapi banyak dari kita yang merasa itu nggak cukup. Banyak dari kita yang merasa segala sesuatu harus sesuai dengan apa yang kita percayai, dengan apa yang membuat kita nyaman. Bilamana ada yang membuat kita merasa tidak nyaman atau tidak sesuai dengan apa yang kita percayai, maka ancaman tersebut harus dihilangkan. Itulah kenapa orang-orang memilih membaca berita yang membuat mereka nyaman, hoax atau misinformasi peduli setan. Akhirnya pada sibuk sendiri terbelenggu kepicikan diri, yang bilamana terjadi pada individual/orang yang dasarnya memang agak 'sakit', dapat menjadi alasan untuk menyerang orang lain. Pelaku penusukan di Portland, pelaku penusukan di Ohio, bom bunuh diri di Bali, pelaku penembakan kuil Sikh di Wisconsin, ini semua orang-orang 'sakit' yang merasa terpanggil (baca: terjustifikasi) untuk melakukan semua ini karena apa yang mereka putuskan untuk percayai.

Kalau ini di komik-komik atau kartun Jepang, gambarannya pasti Bumi yang diliputi kabut hitam tipis yang semakin lama semakin pekat. Itu kebencian, mas bro dan mbak sis, itu musuh kita yang utama. Bukan grup A, B, dan C, tapi kebencian. Kerakusan juga, karena kerakusan yang akan menyebabkan kebencian bertambah parah. Ketidak-adilan sosial juga disebabkan kerakusan, yang pada akhirnya menyebabkan kebencian. Orang lapar lebih mudah marah dan emosi, bukan?

Yang bisa menghapus kabut hitam ini adalah pengetahuan. Saya nggak bisa membenci Islam karena saya tahu teman-teman saya yang Islam nggak seperti itu. Tapi kalau saya nggak mau tahu, kalau saya menutup diri saya, atau kalau teman-teman saya yang Islam nggak mau terbuka dan/atau nggak mau bersikap baik pada saya karena saya kafir misalnya, wajar saja kalau saya jadi berpikir orang Islam itu nggak banget. You can't hate something that you love. Kamu nggak bisa membenci sesuatu yang kamu sayangi.

Semua teori konspirasi boleh beredar, tapi itu nggak akan mengubah fakta bahwa perubahan harus dimulai dari diri kita sendiri. Be good, be kind. Jadilah orang yang baik, yang welas asih. Jangan merebut hak orang lain, termasuk hak untuk tersenyum, hak untuk merasa aman, hak untuk beribadah. Dan kalau anda ingin apa yang anda percayai dicintai orang lain, jadilah gambaran hidup apa yang anda percayai. Model-model Victoria's Secret semuanya super seksi karena perusahaan ini ingin brand/merk mereka terkonotasi dengan imej 'seksi'. Anda ingin apa yang anda percayai dianggap mulia dan paling baik? Bersikaplah seperti itu. Nggak ada gunanya anda marah dianggap jelek bila kelakuan anda memang membuat resah orang lain. Asal tahu saja, billboard si Bapak inilah kenapa orang-orang pro-Trump disini banyak diledek sebagai sampah masyarakat. Action speaks louder than words. Aksi berbicara lebih nyaring daripada sekedar kata-kata.

Jadi sudahan ya saling benci-benciannya. Yuk belajar pintar sedikit, rajin sedikit memilah informasi. Yuk juga belajar berintegritas sedikit, yang mengedepankan kebenaran dan bukan apa yang membuat kita nyaman. Belajar kritis sedikit dan mencari tahu bagaimana dunia itu sebenarnya. Dunia akan kiamat sebentar lagi, karena ketidakpedulian kita dan kebencian kita adalah bom waktu yang akan melumatnya habis. Yuk, kita non-aktifkan bom ini bersama-sama.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

10 More Days

I can't breathe. I am frantically kicking and grasping my surrounding, trying to not sink deeper. But it is no use. I am drowning. My lungs burn and my heart is ready to explode. With every breathe I take I am drowning even more; it pervades my throat and gag me, choke me. I try to call for help, but no one can hear me. Please. Please help. Please.

You think after almost a year I will get over it. Apparently I have not. The horror and the pain is still as fresh as it was almost a year before, maybe even worse. 10 more days before the D-Day, before I found out about him and her. If anything, it feels a lot worse. Back then my Fight or Flight reaction dominated my mind. Surviving in US took priority: finance arrangement, furnishing my apartment, divorce proceeding. After that I was busy pursuing my 'new' life, always running and running, achieving one accomplishment and then another. I moved so fast that despite my occassional bawling and anger now and then, I don't really stop to let everything sink in. And now it came back with a vengeance.

It is a complicated feeling because I love my life. A lot. As I am writing this I was also busy joking with a fellow bus buddy about going to Tijuana. He teased me mercilessly about my fear of getting stuck at the border, and we were laughing heartily about that. I would dance all night and play games all day. If I was told this is the life I will have in exchange to the end of us, I might still go with it. Yet I am still getting drowned in the emotion, the tears still fell on my cheeks. I am still looking at the calendar with heavy heart, as if counting the days I had left to live.

I have tried to snapped out of it, heaven knows I've tried. My social agenda in June/July is packed. I asked a friend to stay with me during the weekend so I have someone to hold. I call another one, over and over and over. We talked nonsense on the phone, but my friend knew what lies hidden beneath the jokes: "Don't leave me. Don't let me be alone. Stay with me." All I want right now, all I need is someone to hug me tight and let me cry on his/her shoulder, while he/she gently pat my head. All I need is to feel safe once more, to know I am not alone.

But I can't. It has been going on too long. I can't keep depending on other people. They might think I am crazy, or worse, leave me. Which is a laughable idea, actually. It'll take a lot, and I mean A LOT, for my closest friends to walk away from me. But that doesn't mean I should take them for granted and keep burdening them with this (temporary) insanity. I am a good girl. Good girl doesn't make trouble for herself or other people. I am a good girl. I have always been a good girl, have I not?

Hidden beneath my layer of anger and disgust towards him was that question: "I have been a good girl, so why did you go?" It was a question unspoken, quickly killed with a snap of "Oh silly girl, you know why!" everytime it passed my mind. And I do know why. The logical part of me understand everything. The logical part of me watches everything unfold and acknowledge the pain of every one involves. The logical part of me knows that this is how it should be, there is no other way.

Yet still I ask: "Why did you do it? I love you." Because I did love him. With all my heart. I did give him my everything: my love, my heart, my trust. I thought we could make it through the end of our days. We couldn't even make it to our 3rd anniversary. And I loved him so much. I couldn't even say it out loud before, because people will think I am stupid if I said I love a man who treated me so bad; or worse, think that I don't respect what they did for me or respect myself. That's why I played it cool, I downplayed it by acting strong and laughed at his life choices. I joke about things and rolled my eyes when talking about him. I wasn't strong or brave enough to admit it then, but I am now. I loved him.

I lost my love that day, both him and the love I had in me. It was a beautiful love. I nurtured it and guard it with all my might, yet it was killed that day. Logic can't help me now in my state of grief. There is no amount of reasoning that can help me snap out of the emotion that binds me, I have to snap free myself by letting my emotion run its course. It helps to talk/write about it, as it enables me to see it from a different perspective. Right now I have gain (some of) my composure back, and I understand what I really want is for none of this to happen. I want his love that's only for me. I want the beautiful love that I have for him. Or, at the very least, for the love to not be thrown out so casually and so mercilessly.

I can't have it, though. Even if I can travel through time, I won't have it back. Both he and I only acted true to our personality and even the current outcome, devastating as it is for us, is probably still the best and the kindest. It doesn't matter how wonderful or how strong one's love is, if it doesn't complement the other person it still can't and wont work. All that is left for me is to properly weep and grieved for the killed love, the tears and sadness that I have refuse to acknowledge for the past 12 months. 

I have wore my pride as an armor to protect the weak woman inside. Now that the woman is strong enough, it is time to put the armor aside and let me gathered the remains of my love. It is time to laid her to rest and let her nourish the soil of my soul. Love, like energy, can not be destroyed. It can change into different forms or stay inert until the right time comes, but it can never be destroyed. I loved him, and it's ok to say it out loud. It is okay to curl in a fetal position on my bed and cry myself to sleep over it. 10 more days to go. It's ok. It's ok.

Friday, June 2, 2017

Unashamed With Love

I saw an old picture of me on Facebook, taken about a year ago. I was dining at The Perch, a swanky rooftop bistro in Los Angeles, drinking a glass of martini called The Writer's Block. I remember how lonely and sad I was that day, and how I finally get the term 'drink your sorrow away'. But that woman didn't know, her worse was yet to come.

In about two weeks after that day, she'll find out her husband's infidelity. She'll become the mad woman, the scorned wife. She'll have many altercations with her soon-to-be ex-husband, each that will cut her deep regardless how savage and how upper-handed she was. She'll be happy again, she'll love again, and she'll find her true self. But her broken glass slippers will cut and mangled her feet, and even a year after, she'll still find shards in her feet, and in her heart.

I have been told so many times to let him go. You deserve better, they say, you deserve to be happy. And I am. I am happy. I spent two nights in a row playing board game, laughing my heart out. I sleep whenever I want to, and cook any meal I want. Bus drivers who know me will honk and wave cheerily at me when they passed me on the road, and the regulars greet me happily when they saw me on the bus. I am prettier, healthier, and more confident these days. Yes, I am happy.

But then the memories came crashing in, and suddenly I will find myself in an emotional lockdown again, much too disturbed to move or to save myself. Even though I forgive him, even feeling sorry for him, even though I know what happened was inevitable, I still can't escape the pain of the past. No matter how many times I said to 'Let it go', it still drives me insane at times like now. March is the month where he crossed the line and set the separation in motion. May is the month he cheated on me. June is the month I found out about his infidelity. I still remember each date and what happened on the day of, and as those days came closer this year I found myself in the same emotional turmoil I faced when it happened last year.

Am I being stupid? I keep telling myself that as I write this, silently crying my heart out inside my cubicle. He's not worth it. I don't want him back. I am happy with who I am right now. It was not a good relationship. I deserve better. I worth more than what he thinks of me. But then why this heart is hurting so bad?

Because you can't put a price on love, that's why. Because regardless of how catastrophic the end of the relationship was, in the beginning, there was love. You can't logic this one out and wiped out the memories and feelings you have in an instant. It doesn't mean you still love the person, because I know I don't. Care for him, maybe, but I have no desire of having him in my life anymore. Not loving somebody anymore doesn't mean you can easily forget or let go of what you and that person have in the past. It is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of how strongly you feel about that person, and it's perfectly fine.

I have tried to put everything behind, to not remember the butterfly in my stomach when I met him, or how good it feels to be in love with him. I have tried to not be angry at him every time I saw a loving post or two I made a few years back, courtesy of Facebook's "On This Day" app, or feeling duped and stupid for believing in him. I know it wasn't anyone intention to end up like this, it just how life is. Yet still I typed the silly question to my friend, "I am a good girl, right? A little crazy and can be difficult, but still a good girl, right?". 

I was mum for so long, even though my closest friend knows what's going on. Beneath the laughter and the energetic attitude, there was a woman who was still trying to heal her wounds. I was not crazy for loving him. I was not weak for staying with him and understanding him. I am not embarrassed, I shouldn't be embarrassed to admit I am still hurting. It became pathological if it consumed my life, but seeing what a jolly person I normally am, I'd say a relapse now and then is still understandable. Despite the predicament that we're in right now, I used to love this man, dammit.  

Interesting days will come when my Facebook feed shows pure love and excitement in the first two years we're together, the beginning of coldness in the third, and the full-blown madness on the fourth; all on the same date, just different years. Horrible days will come when my Facebook feed shows the madness I felt when I found out his affair, and when I tried hard to cope-up with it. Painful days will come when my Facebook feed shows me the process of us getting a visa together, and I will quietly ask myself again "why?" even though I know the answer. 

There was no 'why'. It just happened. Sometimes relationship didn't work out. Sometimes love is just ain't enough. I've been hurt enough that I refuse to be hurt again by being embarrassed about how I feel. I loved him, and there is nothing wrong with that. I don't love him now, but that doesn't mean I have to erase everything about him. I can't, even if I manage to destroy and erase every single thing that linked me to him. What happened between me and him is a part of my life. If I still feel sad about it, if I still feel hurt, that is fine. It shows how much feeling I have for him. After all, he was, borrowing his words, my hopes and dreams. Love is not something to be ashamed of.

I would cry a bit more, I would weep in my sleep, but eventually, the wound will heal and the scar will beautify me, instead of hurting me like it is right now. I can take my time. There is no point of rushing it anyway. As a friend nicely pointed out: "Stop rebounding on your rebounds". I need to let it heal completely so I can be whole again, instead of becoming a patchwork doll, or one with the needle(s) still left inside that'll prick the next person that hold me tight. It took me 4.5 years and another woman to leave him physically, it's perfectly fine to take, say, another 4.5 years to leave him mentally. I'll get there someday, when the wound stop hurting and the tears stop falling. This year is obviously not the time, but I'll get there someday.

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