Wholesome

"You are a wholesome person." 

I needed that. 2021 and 2022 have been challenging for me. Another news just dropped yesterday and I spiraled down pretty quickly.

All the what-ifs, all the I-told-you-so. Are the pesto flags actually marinara flags? Am I, yet again, dancing to my destruction? Do I deserve this full-priced happiness instead of the ones I usually get from clearance bin?

My boyfriend told me I am a wholesome person. Sitting on the bed in his home in Florida, fingers intertwined and the sound of thunderstorm outside, that moment I believed him.

Being alone in the heat-scorched LA is a different thing. No matter how hard I try to assure myself, it comes out as a loathsome brag. Those who are truly good won't need to tell the world they are good.

But I am not telling the world, am I? I am telling myself. I need to learn to hype myself like I would hype others. I need to love and trust myself just like I love and trust others. 

I don't need to be perfect. I can be both wholesome and with flaws. I am responsible in fixing my flaws, but it will not take away my wholesomeness. I am still me. 

And with that, I have to learn to talk back to my douchebag brain. I can't control feelings or emotions of others, or the outcome of anything, even when I did my best. And it's ok. 

Whatever comes, I will be ok. I know that.