Rage And Grace

The last package has arrived. With this, there's nothing else tied me and my ex-bf together.

It feels... empty. 

Getting this package was painful. He was uncommunicative and told me he was just extremely busy. I got bitter and angry because I felt he was punishing me with his silence, that I wasn't worth a few seconds of his time to text back.

My friends said that's just how some people cope. Yet I was blinded by rage. Why do I have to feel I am worthless because that's how he cope? Do I not deserve to feel sad and angry? Why am I being discarded and forgotten?

On and on the anger went. But for what?

Why does it matter that he refused to talk to me? Or that I feel I mean nothing for him? Why does it bother me so much to feel that he wants to erase me off of his memory? Or that we simply cannot be friends or even be cordial to each other?

I love him, that's why. Pride and greed rear their ugly heads and pounced. I love him and I want him still. More than anything in this world. And I could not take the feeling of not being wanted anymore. I want him and I want him to want me.

But life is more than just about "wants". We are compatible in many ways, but we will never agree on our key differences. It can be done, but it will require great sacrifices and a mountain of effort. At the time of this writing, it was not going to happen.

So why even bother getting angry?

This writing is not about him. It's about me. It's about my failure to act with grace. I am ashamed of it. It's about me burning to cinder from unchecked rage. I deeply regret it.

The inside of my mouth tastes bitter. Anger was never pleasant. I wish I wasn't so angry. I wish I could calm my pride and hug my greed tight. I wish I could tell my pride that what he thinks shouldn't matter anymore, and gently reminding my greed that we don't have to have everything that we want.

He said I was looking for a fight. Maybe I was. I took the bait and ran with it. It may makes it easier for him to hate me now. After all, have he not just proven to the world I am a selfish insensitive person who cares not about his current predicament? Have he not just unveiled that I am a "me me me" person? Good for him to dodge the bullet.

But I don't want to hate him.

I don't want to live with the recollection of anger in my head. I don't want to live with his spiteful version etched in my heart. I want to remember his smile, his embraces, his love. I want to remember us dancing in Disneyland and napping on the sofa.

I want to remember how his face light up when I told him he is an amazing person. I want to remember rolling on the bed to spoon him and felt all is well in this world. I want to remember kissing him gently, passionately, lovingly. I want to remember the man I love.

I want him to think of me kindly, but what he thinks of me has nothing to do with me. It's no longer about 'us'. It's about 'me' now. I have to live with myself. I have to heal.

And a part of healing is forgiving myself.

I can't take back my anger, and I grieve for it. I can't make it not happening. I can't undo the words I unleashed on him. Even when a small part of my head told me it's good for him that someone dares to defy him, I still can't accept my action. 

I will forever carry this moment with me, a shameful reminder of my unchecked rage. I will remember the time when I hurt the person I love. Whether he deserves it or not is not the question. I still did it. I was hurt and I striked back. This is not who I want to be.

But it happens. It was not okay but it happened. Nothing good will come up by only wailing that it happened. It is a painful and expensive way to be taught to be graceful, to keep my head high instead of drowning in fury. It is a lesson I need to understand and take to heart.

.

.

.

I wish him the best, for he is precious.

I wish me the best, for I am precious.

I wish peace for both of us, for we deserve it.

I love him dearly, and I should love myself as dear.

No more rage. No more.