Will No, Not Will Yes

Just like many women, I fell into the whole "I wish I had Will Smith in my life" wagon for a bit. Having someone willing to stand up for me publicly seemed to be an unachievable wet dream. Men who will fight for you in this economy? Yea right.

Yet as I ponder through the situation, I realize I am not wishing to have a Will Smith in my life. I am wishing that I don't need to need a Will Smith in my life.

In between the memes of bravado, the standing ovations, all the Instagram and Twitter tags, the fact remains: why did Chris Rock think it was funny to make that joke? Jokes about somebody's medical condition, somebody's height or weight, somebody's race or skin color, all of these should not be accepted. If it's something that a person can't change, please STFU. 

The right thing to do would be to have a 'damage control' person come and remove Chris Rock from the stage. The right thing to do would be to have everyone, and I mean EVERYONE booing Chris Rock, and even go as far as walking out in solidarity. Did y'all not advertise how poetically (full of) justice y'all are? Did y'all not show how virtuous you are in the face of social inequality?

And then the mockery came. Full disclaimer here, I am not a fan of Jada or Kim K. Yet no matter how rich or how out of touch or how 'weird' they are, it's not, nor ever is, a free pass to mock or harass them for something that's beyond their mean to change. Mock Kim K for her 'get your @$$ and work' comment, but not over Kanye attacking her. Laugh at Jada for her 'entanglement', but not for her medical condition. 

Yet it seems the more out-of-morality the person is, the more 'they deserve it'. The more fragile or innocent the person is, the more 'how (deliciously) awful'. Either way, we just want to engorge in other people's misery. We want to see the proud empire fall and the innocent kingdom swept away. We're giving it all for a quick laugh on a meme, disregarding how it feels to be someone who had to live through this.

And of course, the right thing to do will be to have a security guard so people like Will Smith or Kanye don't just go where they don't belong. I found trigger warnings on IG posts, and somehow the Oscars planners 'slipped' and let violence air? For real, boo. And after that the standing ovation. Sirs and Madams, your silence is what made the violence happen.

Think about it for a second. We are okaying violence that was done in the act of righteousness, in the act of chivalry. Who gets to decide which is righteous and which is chivalrous? If turns out he was just an abusive a-hole who doesn't like his toy being degraded by others because he's the only one who can degrade them, will we still stand up and clap and say dreamily "I wish I had Will Smith in my life"?

If there's anything to take from that night, it's that Hollywood's idea of justice and kindness is indeed faulty. It's superficial and fake at best, malicious and deceiving at worst. No one will want to risk their comfy position to do what's right. And history was indeed written by the winner, judging from the fact we are willing to overlook an assault, regardless of how justifiable it was, and even give a warm standing ovation after. No wonder Chris Brown is still in business.

As much as I wanted someone to stand up for me as Will Smith does for Jada, I wanted a life where I don't have to wish for it. A life where people won't make fun of me for things I can't change, or for being different. A life where people would just stand up for me immediately, leaving me with no time nor a chance to grieve for having to deal with that BS. Is it really that far-fetched?

PS: If it is staged, all the people who staged it can go to Hellz. The medical condition joke will trigger so much trauma from so many people who have had their medical conditions laughed at or dismissed. The violence will trigger so much trauma from so many people who have experienced violence firsthand, especially when seeing how it was embraced and honored after. I hope the rating is worth the amount of fuckery you incite on the people. But hey, it's only Hollywood amirite?

Happiness

Last year I cried on the floor, drinking plum wine and feeling utterly miserable. (Almost) exactly a year later I cried on the kitchen floor, drinking plum wine and feeling miserable. The difference was this time I was not alone. This time somebody was sitting with me on the kitchen floor, soothing me and patiently waiting for me to calm down.

When I first met my ex-husband I had people tell me that my continuously gushing over him was 'too much' and 'disgusting'. When he hurt me I thought they were right, so I put a lid on how much I share about my (now ex) boyfriend. It would be too embarrassing if I didn't make it again. And I didn't.

But why should happiness be embarrassing? Why are only people in 'successful relationship' allowed to share their happiness? What defines 'successful relationship'? A year without breaking up, 5 years, a decade? Why do we put a limit on when we are 'allowed' be happy?

My ex-husband love-bombed me but I was happy. Despite the massive dumpster fire that was our marriage there were times that I was happy. The same thing with my ex-bf and the trash bonfire that was our end. What happened after, the pain and the sadness and the trauma, it could never take away or erase the happiness I experienced. I shouldn't be embarrassed for being happy because of people who later on hurt me. It wasn't, shouldn't be, on me.

I am choosing happiness this time. I am not waiting to 'see how it goes'. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, I know just like with my other relationships I would have already expend all of my possible effort before accepting the defeat. Be it lasting 3 months or 3 years or 3 decades, I would have already tried my best. I am happy, and that's all that matters.

Itu Saya

Terharu. Itu perasaan saya melihat trailer serial TV Ms. Marvel. Pemeran utamanya berkulit gelap, agak montok, dan nggak kinclong cakepnya. Itu saya. Itu gue.

Seketika membanjir ingatan masa kecil. Si anak canggung yang selalu dibilang "Kurangin makannya!" Yang dibilang lurus pinggang dan perutnya alias bulat. Yang berharap kalau dia cukup cerdas dan menarik maka akan ada yang tertarik sama dia (spoiler: nggak.)

Teringat masa melihat kakak yang super bohai dan adik yang model dengan perasaan frustasi. Dari semenjak pubertas di jaman SMP sampai di masa dewasa, selalu dan selalu hanya bisa menggigit bibir melihat anak gadis yang lebih sempurna mendapat segala kemudahan.

Bahkan hingga sekarang pun saya terkadang masih insecure. Sampai sekarang masih bertanya ke pasangan saya, dia salah makan apa sampe mau sama yang bulat ga jelas seperti saya. Apakah dia sehat jiwa atau sebegitu butuhnya sampai mau sama saya?

Saya nggak dendam sama yang terlahir menarik. Good for you. Baguslah. Saya juga suka melihat manusia-manusia yang menarik, apapun jenis kelaminnya. Tapi ya, tapiiii... Kan kita bisa baik sama yang menarik tanpa menjatuhkan yang konon dibawah standar.

Apa pula sih standar itu? Dari kecil kita dibilang kalo nggak kurus, nggak putih, nggak cakep, maka nggak ada yang mau mengawini kita. Ya nggak kenapa sih kalau calon pasangan juga diharapkan sama perfect nya. Atau cukup kaya untuk mendanai program skin care face lift personal trainer di gym etc. Perfect itu nggak murah, Ferguso.

Nggak kawin juga harusnya bukan momok lagi. Berapa banyak orang yang kawin ujung-ujungnya jadi single parent. Di atas kertas sih masih kawin, tapi pasangan entah kemana. Perempuan sekarang bisa kerja sendiri kok, nggak harus bergantung sama pasangan.

Kenyataannya kadang kita komentar atau merendahkan yang nggak "perfect" itu bukan atas dasar concern/atau kekhawatiran atas nasibnya nanti. Kita kadang komentar karena memang kita jahat saja, jelek hati. Rasanya bahagia gimana gitu bisa merendahkan orang lain. Padahal ngatain orang jelek nggak akan membuat kita lebih cakep.

Dan lihat. Lihat dunia yang terus bergerak maju. Lihat dunia yang tidak perduli akan apa yang menurutmu 'perfect'. Lihat ada tokoh utama, ada superhero yang nggak putih mungil cantik jelita. Mungkin sudah saatnya kita belajar untuk menjadi baik kepada semua orang, bukan hanya yang 'enak dipandang'. Karena kita semua bisa menjadi tokoh utama.

Jadi sebelum mulut menyinyir dan berpotensi membuat seseorang trauma, apalagi anak-anak, yuk dipikir baik-baik. Malu kan ketahuan jeleknya diri kita.