The Sheep on The Train

The woman got on the train and slid right into the bathroom. "Oh okay," I thought to myself, "So that's how you do it." One stop later, about 8 minutes away, I got off the train and saw her sliding out from the bathroom, getting off on the same station as I did.

She was avoiding to pay the fare. I know because I was tempted to do so, and because there was literally no bathroom activity can be heard throughout the trip. She has her reason to do it, and I have my reason to not do it. And trust me, it was very, very tempting to do it.

I don't hide in the bathroom, but just like this afternoon my fingers would hover on the phone screen, tempted to not hit the purchase button until a conductor made their round to check the tickets. "It's only one stop away," I would say to myself, or "It's only $4.50".

When it's the longer, more expensive route, I argued that the money can be spent elsewhere. I argued that I made little money, anyway. I argued that the government made more than I do. I argued that my measly fare doesn't make a difference.

But then I would think of how inconvenient and embarrassing if I somehow got caught. I would think of how shameful it would be to be a part of the problem that bleed the benefit of public transportation, when I have the means to not do it.

And my pride, my haughty stubborn pride, would yell at me in such disdain and scorn: "Don't even think of using goods or service that you are not willing to pay. You are better than that." I usually hit the pay button pretty damn fast after.

What matters, what shows our true color is never about what we do when authority is around. It is about what we do when there is no one there to judge or govern us. One's integrity and moral values will always be intact, with or without anyone to witness it.

Among the noise and the cacophony, the question that we should always ask ourselves is what kind of person we want to be. If our reasoning is removed from our action, if the action becomes a mere black and white bare fact, will we still be ok with it?

The temptation to dodge the law, to break the rules, will always be there. A part of it is for the thrill, the "F*ck the authority" kind of feeling. A part of it is because we somehow feel we're above the rule. It's a stupid rule, anyway.

I learned that there is always a reason why a certain rule is implemented. A rule usually becomes a rule only when people abuse it, like the ruling that it's illegal for cops to have sex with the people they detained. You'd think it's common sense.

Or on the lighter side, the reason why Reese's Peanut Butter has to state "Contain Peanuts" is because every food product has to state the allergen it may contain. It looks stupid but it's there for a reason, and it'll be too confusing to make exceptions.

I am aware there are people that have to break the laws because there is no other way, and I honestly can't speak on their behalf. But for those who can afford to follow the rule, why not do so? Especially if it's only a matter of comfort or ease.

I believe that to have a good government everybody has to be involved and take part of it. There is no point of dodging the fare, for instance, on the pretext of you already paid too much tax because the deficit will only affect the budget and consequently your tax.

Everything is connected to one another. It is unwise to approach an issue rebeliously with only seeing one side and not the whole connecting picture, or without understanding why the said law/rule was put in place. 

I know, right? What a sheep. But as I don't need to spend the trip in fear that I will get caught, and I also don't need to go on a guilt trip thinking that I took advantage of the system when I absolutely don't need to, I think being a sheep is just fine.

#Pride, #Integrity, and #CommonSense y'all.

Sex, Games, and Swings

I went board gaming yesterday. We did 3 games over 3-4 hours course. All were strategy-based games, which involves plenty of mental energy both to understand the mechanism in order to play, and also to outpace your opponents.

Even with a leisurely lunch break, by the end of the games, I was exhausted. And fulfilled. It's like a good, long session of satisfying sex. I mentioned that to my friend. He pointed out that I also said swing dancing is like sex. Oh.

I did tell him that. In a way, dancing is like sex. The flirt that comes with the music, the physical contact as you move together with the rhythm, the thought you put into it until you lost yourself in the moment. Find yourself a good partner and it will be oh so rewarding.

Come to think about it, a lot of things feel like, and as satisfying as, sex to me. I sat on my bed thinking hard about this. Am I just an overtly sexual (read: perpetually horny) woman? Not that there's anything wrong with that.

But what if it is the other way around? What if in my mind I use the concept of sex to described the standard for passion and fulfillment? So it's not about the sex, it's about what can you achieve in various activities.

Sex is the ultimate sensory experience. In a good session, our five senses were heightened with the emotion, whilst our body works itself automatically in series of physical responses and our mind mentally calculated the way to get to the climax.

It really can't be any more immersive than that. That one, sweet, intoxicating feeling where you give everything out and simply lost yourself, body and soul, at The Moment. It's that plunge from the cliff into the blue ravine below.

That's how good board gaming feels to me. Or good swing dancing. Even though I am not at all extremely good at it. There were times when other board gamers or swing dancers looked at me in disdain as I fumbled my steps.

But I won't stop just because I am not good at it. It was never to be the ultimate one, it was always about enjoying, and get lost in, The Moment. Don't we all need it? In the time of hardship and confusion, don't we all need to feel like human again, whole and fulfilled?

It can be a leisurely walk next to the waterway, or a night in with cheap wine and discounted cheese. It can be splurging on fancy shoes and five-star dinners. It can be a party with hundreds of strangers or a good nap on the sofa with the person you like.

The activity itself doesn't matter much. It's how you feel about it that matters. It's the amount of enjoyment that you can get from it, both physically and mentally, that matters. It's the "Whoa..." and the stupid satisfied grin after it that matters.

Putting your heart into things, giving it all you got, is scary. What if it doesn't work out? What if it's not worth the trouble? Why should I do it anyway? Because it is worth it. Because it is not a race, but an experience. Because feeling alive is incredible.

I have been known to exchange a night of dancing in favor to sleeping at home. It's ok. That works too. It can be anything that brings you closer to yourself, anything that can unite your mind, your spirit, your body, and your soul.

Listen to yourself: what you want, what you feel. Be brave. Let yourself go to what your heart desire. And yes, dear readers. Be alive. Be f*cking alive.

Pede dan Sepatu

Nggak sangka ternyata saya sampai di titik dimana saya punya terlalu banyak sepatu. Jeng jeng jeng.

Yang sneakers. Yang sandal manis. Yang sepatu flat. Yang high heels. Yang boots. Warna warni. Warna gelap. Tali temali. Jangan ditanya koleksi beha dan baju dalam seksi saya. Padahal badan cuma satu dan kaki cuma dua.

Buat saya ini signifikan banget. Jaman dulu saya nggak mau beli sepatu kecuali kepepet. Itu juga belinya yang yakin bisa dipakai berulang kali. Faktor ke-kere-an mempengaruhi, tapi faktor ketidak-pedean juga besar.

Alasannya selalu "Sayang duitnya, mending dipakai yang lain". Terjemahannya adalah "Toh gue ga pantas. Mau dipakai kemana juga?" Tahu diri lho kaki saya nggak mulus, betis segede talas, naik turun bus pula. Bukan kaki ala Dian Sastro pokoknya.

Tapi disini setelah kembali melajang, saya peduli setan. Elu nggak suka ya ga usah lihat. Yang penting saya suka melihat saya pakai sepatu pilihan saya. Dan ini membuat perbedaan yang luar biasa lho.

Saat kita berjalan dengan percaya diri, dengan mengetahui kita merasa cantik dengan pilihan kita, itu pula yang akan ditangkap orang sekitar kita. Kita kelihatan keren di mata orang lain. Walau hanya pakai high heel seharga paket MakDe.

Tapi pede dan nyaman dengan diri sendiri ini susah dapatnya, apalagi kalau sekeliling kita nggak pede. Yang ada kita terus mendengar suara sumbang, terus berusaha dibawa ke level/situasi yang menurut sekeliling kita 'normal'.

Nyebelin kan? Saya rasa saya nggak sendiri. Pasti banyak dari para pembaca yang sempat mendengar "Aduh, nanti apa kata orang?!" Atau mungkin justru para pembaca yang gencar mengkritik err mengingatkan agar teman anda nggak ditertawakan.

Prinsip saya sih, kalau nggak membahayakan, ya udah mingkem saja. Jangan komen. Mau pakai heels/sepatu hak di acara piknik ke kebun raya, boleh lah diingatkan. Tapi kalau cuma mencibir dan bilang "Elu ga pantes ah pakai heels" yuk silakan ke laut.

Sebaliknya, jadilah pribadi yang selalu mendukung. Semua orang butuh merasa nyaman dengan dirinya, jadi jangan jatuhkan orang hanya karena anda yang nggak pede. Bedakan antara kritikan yang membangun dan cibiran jutek.

Dan boleh lho berbeda. Boleh lho punya selera berbeda dengan orang kebanyakan. Yang merasa 'normal' nggak usah merasa terancam, yang merasa 'beda' nggak perlu sibuk menutupi. Selama nggak merugikan orang lain, selera kita ya hak kita.

Rasanya luar biasa sekali bengong memilih mau pakai sepatu yang mana untuk pergi malam ini. Biasanya pilihannya cuma sandal jepit ato sepatu keds hahaha. Ini rasa kebebasan yang sebenarnya. Bebas menjadi diri sendiri. Menakjubkan.

Semoga para pembaca akan bisa menemukan dan merasakan kebebasan ini. Jangan menyerah ya, para pembaca. Salam pede dari Los Angeles.