How Many Miles to Babylon

How many miles to Babylon?

Three score and ten.

Can I get there by candle-light?

Yes, and back again.

Yet so many candles I have ignited

Leaving matches trail along my path

Hot wax dripping on my hands

Still I have yet reach my Babylon

And what is a Babylon anyway?

A fabled city filed with wonder

A city like no other

A city where I'll be home

To there my feet walks toward

To there my heart lies true

To there my dreams are anchored

To there my thoughts have fly

But what if there is no Babylon?

What if there's only ancient ruins

Meager villages and quiet hamlets

Sleepy cities and barren towns

What if I have walked so far for nothing?

Chasing shadows and bodiless voice

Pursuing mirages and foolish hopes

A fable, a fish story, a drunkard's dream

Here I stand alone in the road to nowhere

Melted wax burning my hands

Emptiness filling my heart

Thousands of questions in my head

Shall I look for Babylon

Shall I settle for shelter

Shall I shun everything

Shall I close my eyes and die

Deep in the dark where no man went

The soft light of the candle glows

A person uncertain, a heart confused

A soul longing to find home

How many miles to Babylon?

I do not know, I could not tell

I will not arrive by candle light

Even as my heels are nimble and quick

How many miles to Babylon?

Too long for me, too short for others

How many miles to Babylon?

And will I ever, ever get there?

The candle did not answer

The matches died quietly

Still no sign of Babylon

How many miles, how many miles, how many miles to Babylon?

The Rapist and Me

What would you do if you spent 6 years behind bars because somebody falsely accused you?

6 years.

In 6 years I got my Bachelor Degree in Medicine, halfway through my education to be a GP in Indonesia. In 6 years I lost a love, found a new one, have a new family complete with stepkids MIL FIL SIL BIL and the lot, lost it all, and found myself. In 6 years I relocate from Jakarta to Bali to Orange County to Tucson to Los Angeles. In 6 years I work in Wedding/Event Industry, Health Supplement company, Financial industry, and my first book will be released in Indonesia this August.

In 6 years all Brian Banks could do is looking at the prison walls, convicted for a rape he didn't commit.

"[The accuser] was quoted as telling Banks: 'I will go through with helping you but it's like at the same time all that money they gave us, I mean gave me, I don't want to have to pay it back.''

Women, who are we? 

We are Queens. We are Empresses. We are Maharanis. We are Sovereigns and Duchesses. We are Goddesses. We do not, I repeat, we do not commit such atrocities to people. 

"But real rapes do happen, let's talk about that instead and how the pigs got away with it!"

You are right. Let's talk about that. Let's talk about how in the future it'll be even harder to prove and convict rapists because of Wanetta Gibson's [family's] action. Let's talk about how next time the victim would be asked "Are you sure it's not consensual?". Let's talk about how victims will potentially considered as 'raking the money'. Does that $1.5 million really worth such setback? If yes, what a low, low price we put our fellow women at.

Rapes do happen, and the system seemed to be set against us women. "You shouldn't drink that much", "you shouldn't wear the whore outfit", "you shouldn't go out by youself", "you shouldn't go out, period". Ideally we can shout out "Well, you should keep your dick in your pants!", right? Guess what, ideally we already have flying car by now, but we can't even make a non-combustible hovercraft.

If we have no say on advances, we even have less to say when we already gave 'permission'. How many of us have to endure painful sex even when we said no? How many of us is forced to keep 'doing the deed' even after we changed our mind? How many of us felt obliged to do it because we already said yes at first? If it's a no but you are still forced, it's a rape. It's akin to dining with somebody and you choose to stop eating, but that person keep force feeding you. It can't get any clearer than that. 

I was 'raped' when I was 28 years old. I put it in quote because there was no physical threats, so technically it is not a real rape, right? But I felt so dirty. I felt violated. For years, even now, I still think I deserved it, that I'm asking for it. We chat online, we met, we fondled, the next thing I know I was fucked for hours. All the time I said to myself to run, to stop, all the time loathing myself for being so weak. I came back the next day, as per his order. Why resist? I was ruined anyway. I asked for it by meeting up with a stranger. 

I put on a triumphant smirk when my friends asked how did the date go, even though I want to skin myself alive to remove the ickiness I felt. I laughed when his wife (that I did not even know exist) called and yelled at me on the phone, even though I was screaming and dying inside. I had to weather the doctor's nasty look when I explained that I, a non-married woman living in a country where you can't even get frickin birth control if you have no husband, need an STD test because I had sex with a stranger. I had to do and deal with the possible outcome of HIV and pregnancy test all by myself because I can't tell anyone what I did. I mean, I asked for it, right? 

Good girls don't go meeting strangers. Good girls don't let themselves being touched and groped by stranger. I did it to myself. One boyfriend left after I shared the story, claiming that he can't be with me if I already been with another man. Another one left because he was disgusted with my action. I understand. I did it to myself. Oh, and the mutual friend that encouraged me to hit it off with this person? He claimed he did not know this person already has a wife. Claimed.

I would give anything to let that woman in Indonesia know that she can say no. That it is not her fault. That she did not 'ask for it' and it did not make her less of a person. I would give anything to have somebody saying that to me, to have some kind of support, instead of feeling like a whore and worried somebody will found out what a whore I am. Even with all my newly-found self confidence from surviving in Los Angeles, I still hesitate to tell my best friend about my dates and escapades because I am worried I'll be seen as a slut and got left behind. Again. After all, I asked for it, didn't I?

But I got it easy. What I experienced was nothing. Countless women have to suffer many, many times more. Some carry not only emotional scars, but also physical scars. Some are left disabled both physically and/or mentally. Some do not live to tell their story. The surviving victims walked in a varying degree of darkness, trying to find a way out. Wanetta Gibson and her family sold us all for a mere $1.5 million. 

If you know story is made up and lies are told, speak up. If you know crime is commited, speak up. If you think you are doing the world a favor by putting 'filthy man' in prison using lies and deceit, you are not. Any deceit done by or on behalf of women will only take us women many step backwards. We're already in an unfavorable position, courtesy of millenias of (mostly) patriarchal cultures. Please do not destroy the small progress we had out of spite, or worse, out of greed.

And if the writing above does not convince you, remember that we women are mothers, wife, sister, aunt, niece, and many more. Brian Banks could have been our son husband, brother, uncle, nephew, and many more. Don't close your eyes to injustice with the excuse "There are many rapists that got away!" Don't make a person a sacrificial lamb for other people's misdeed. 

Somewhere right now somebody is being raped. Men, women, children, adult. Their rights and their bodies are violated, broken from the inside out. Most will keep silent, some will seek justice despite knowing the treacherous path that lies. All will struggle with themselves, walking the dark road that seemed to went on forever. All except those who are here no more. I hear you all, my siblings. I weep for you. I pray for you. I wish you peace.

And Brian Banks, good luck. I wish you all the best in your newfound freedom. You deserve it. Best of luck, brother.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2150576/Brian-Banks-Football-star-jailed-falsely-rape-wants-219k-compensation.html

Gpp Kan Horang Kayahhh

~Buku "Dear Mantan Tersayang" akan terbit di Gramedia 28 Agustus 2017. Yaaayyy!!! ~

Katanya kalau mau lihat tabiat orang yang sebenarnya, lihat bagaimana cara ia memperlakukan orang yang lebih 'rendah' dari dirinya. Nyontek dari Harry Potter: "If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals." Jadi jangan kagum melihat si abang ganteng atau nona cantik bermanis-manis dengan anda di kantor, kalau judes nggak karuan sama tukang gorengan di depan kantor atau office boy yang malang.

 

Logis? Banget. Orang yang posisinya lebih rendah dari kita konon nggak akan bisa membantu kita. Jadi kadang kelihatan muka asli orang yang bengis dan tidak ada ampun. Ngapain juga sok baik kalau mereka nanti nggak berguna, benar? Salah hehehe. Kita harus baik pada semua orang, betul? Toh karma dan/atau pahala nggak akan kemana. Kecuali Pahala Kencana, itu bisa antar kota antar propinsi.

 

Tapi percaya apa nggak, berbaik hati pada orang yang kurang beruntung daripada kita itu jauh lebih gampang daripada berbaik hati pada orang yang lebih beruntung daripada kita. Coba aja lihat kalau ada orang miskin tertimpa musibah, langsung semua tergerak mendoakan, meng-amin-i, mengirim bantuan. Kalau ada orang kaya tertipu sekian ratus juta? Jangan harap… Ada juga pada nyinyir dan sibuk "Gpp kan Horang Kayahhh." Ibu Saeni yang wartegnya di razia tahun lalu langsung berlimpah simpati, tapi simpati berbalik saat diketahui ibu ini orang berada. Lah, emang orang berada nggak berhak dilindungi dari razia ilegal?

 

Contoh lain, seberapa sering sih anda menawarkan bayar bensin teman anda yang membawa mobil dan tahu dia sanggup membeli bensin? Yang anda duduk manis di mobilnya, disamping dompet dan tasnya yang harganya puluhan juta, dan anda yang "Gue bayarin tol/parkir/minum ya?" Bukan basa-basi lho, beneran sudah keluarin duit siap bayar. Dulu pas saya masih lebih muda (nggak mau ngaku tua aw aw), saya ada kok periode nggak tahu diri begini hahaha. Untungnya sekarang sudah tahu diri dan tahu malu. Untungnya lebih secure/pede dan nggak perlu lagi sirik sama orang.

 

Lho iya. Asas manfaat itu kan dasarnya nggak secure/nggak pede dan dimanifestasikan dalam bentuk kesirikan. Pas ngasi/membantu orang yang lebih susah dari kita, hati terangkat dan serasa malaikat surga tetiba bernyanyi merdu disinari cahaya surgawi (saaaaaah….). Kita mampu, mereka nggak. Wajar dong kita ngasi. Tapi kalau ngasi/membantu orang yang terlihat lebih oke dari kita, walau saat itu mereka memang butuh bantuan, kayanya nggak rela. Toh mereka mampu, kita nggak, ngapain juga dibantu? Kita sirik sama apa yang mereka punya, kita nggak secure sama apa yang kita punya. Padahal segelas kopi untuk teman yang tiap saat kita tebengin pulang kampus/kantor nggak akan bikin kita bangkrut.

 

Di salah satu bab buku saya [#kibasrambut],saya bercerita tentang pentingnya merasa nyaman dengan diri sendiri. Kenapa? Karena saat kita nyaman dengan diri sendiri kita merasa (dan memang!) terlihat menarik, yang kemudian akan membuat orang lain nyaman bersama kita. Serem-serem gimana gitu punya teman yang bisa maki-maki pelayan di restoran, nanti bisa-bisa pas kita susah dilibas juga. Punya teman yang kelihatan nggak bersalah menikmati limpahan teman yang kaya (lalu pakai acara ngomongin teman itu dibelakang pula!) juga horror banget. Gimana nanti kalau kita (syukur ya Tuhan…) jadi sukses dan kaya? Ini baru teman lho, kebayang nggak kalau calon pasangan? Maaf ya abang ganteng, saya harus mundur dulu seribu langkah.

 

Hidup itu kan harus give and take, harus menerima dan memberi. Nggak perduli siapa yang memberi, kita harus siap memberi kembali. Mengulurkan tangan juga begitu, nggak perduli untuk mendorong gerobak pemulung atau mobil sport dua pintu, tangan tetap harus terulur sebisanya. Sebisanya yaaa. Yang menerima ya jangan kurang ajar, mengharap lebih karena dilihat kita 'lebih', atau karena merasa sudah sering memberi kita 'lebih'. "Ngasi cuma segini, padahal mobil bagus", "Ngasi cuma segini, padahal gue ngasi jauh lebih banyak". Mas mbak, kalau nggak bisa ngeliat bahwa temannya sudah berusaha ngasi semampunya, jangan diterima bantuannya. Daripada ngedumel buang pahala hihihi.

 

Apa saya masih suka manfaatin orang? Pastinya doooooong…! [#sambitsendal] Eh nggak, serius. Kadang ada ketemu orang yang lagaknya "Oh kamu rakyat jelata nan malang, mari sini saya bantu karena saya adalah anugrah nan indah dari Tuhan". Kalau begini saya suka bimbang, harga diri yang ingin balik bodi, tapi logika yang "Biarin aja, toh gratis hihihi". Kadang juga ketemu orang yang butuh bantuan tapi udah sensi duluan "Loe pikir gue butuh?? Loe pikir gue rendahan??". Kalau begini juga bimbang, otak yang ingin "Byeeeeee selamat tinggal TiTi DiJe dah dah", tapi nurani yang "Shh… Sabar. Dia emang butuh kok."

 

Yang bisa saya lakukan adalah berusaha melihat orang terlepas dari apa yang dipunyainya. Teman yang tabungannya 10 kali lipat tabungan saya bukan berarti nggak butuh pelukan saat sedih. Nggak perlu juga saya pede sudah membantu teman yang hutangnya 10 kali lipat. Membantu, mengulurkan tangan bukanlah dilakukan untuk membuat kita merasa lebih baik, atau untuk mengangkat derajat kita. Kita lihat ada yang lagi susah, kita bantu. Buat apa? Nggak buat apa-apa. Kalaupun harus dijelaskan, ini soal empati. Kita tahu saat susah itu ya susah, maka kita berusaha meringankan beban orang lain yang sedang susah.

 

Susah? Banget. Secara naluri sulit untuk memberikan apapun pada orang yang terlihat berkelimpahan. Disini karakter kita diuji: apakah kita seseorang yang secure/nyaman dengan diri kita sendiri, ataukah kita masih berkecimpung dalam kesirikan. Lebih mudah memberikan sesuatu yang kita punya daripada sesuatu yang kita (pikir) tidak punya. Padahal mau orang ini punya 10 rumah atau tidur di emperan toko, membelikan sebotol air saat ia sedang kehausan harganya sama, sama-sama Rp 3,000. Begitu pula pelukan atau sebuah senyuman, atau sekedar kuping untuk mendengarkan. Bisa kan kita seperti ini? Yuk, belajar menutup mata duniawi dan membuka mata hati. Kita semua sama lho 😊.