But What If

Cried my heart out there on the pavement

Smashed cake and shattered heart

Suicidal thoughts and melancholic tears

An end to an end that ends all end

But what if I never see you again?

Will the sky still be blue and the moon as full?

What if I never met you before?

Will I cry, will I laugh, will I live so complete?

Shyly looking at him from the passenger's seat

Giggling through the songs, a romantic fool

Gentle kisses and gentler love

A prelude to a finish, an eternal closure

But what if I never touch you again?

Will the sun still shine and the stars still bright?

What if I never kiss you before?

Will I know how it is to feel safe and content?

People come and people go, but memory lingers

The day I met you is the day I know I will lose you

Threads disconnected, affection fades away

In a world of uncertainties, the end is always certain

Should I not take your hand then, or softly touch you?

Should I not laugh and smile and giggle, or be happy near you?

Should I not look into your eyes and find solace there?

Should I not bother to realize that you exist in this world?

Yet your existence shaped my life, enhance it even further

Even when the good memories keep me awake all night 

And the loss and the pain will leave some scars

I wouldn't, couldn't want it any other way

Let me tell you I love you, as if you'll be gone the next day 

Let me hold you close and care for you, as if it's gonna be my last

Let me be strong and choose the certainty of a separation

Over the uncertainty of missing an experience with you

For the pain and misery is difficult to bear

Yet not knowing you is even worse

The sleepless nights and the flowing tears are painful

Yet embracing you and feel you near are all that matters

I will love again, even though I will lose you

I will trust again, even though forever is a mirage

I will give my heart and soul, even though this will not last

I will risk the pain, because it is well worth it

Come closer then, sweet lover, one of my many

'Cause for now, you will be my one and only

Tears will fall and heart will break

But let me savor this sweetness, just for a bit

Kiss me now, sweet darling, with all you got

Make every gesture a thing to remember

The loneliness after will kill us, that's for sure

But let us be lost in each other, just for a while

'Tis a dangerous game we're playing, where sanity is at risk

Where eternal hell could wait, just for a second of happiness

Is it worth it? Will it worth it?

Why, yes. Why do you even ask?

Take the plunge, sweet baby, and don't look back

Come find me and let our story began

The drama and the tragedy will follow after

But the romance and comedy is also there to be indulged

And let me love you, as I will let you love me

Let me kiss you and give my all, as I will accept your all

Let me fill your life, as you will fill mine

Let us be together, for this very short time

Love me, sweet lover

Hold me dear, sweet darling

Comfort me, sweet baby

And be forever mine, until time for us to part…

The Dead Girl

She was dead. I saw her sighed her last breath as she walked out from his apartment for the very last time July last year. Her body was nowhere to be seen, which was good because her injuries would make her body too grotesque to see. Many months have passed since then, and I know she has been relieved from all the pain. Yet still I weep for her. Still she haunted me.

February was her happiest month. It was the month where she found, or she thought she find, her true love. The poor, stupid, naïve girl gave her all to him. She thought he was the one. As I scroll through the remnants of her memories, her Facebook posts, I can see the stark difference between when she was still loved and when she was not anymore. I remember her questioning his lack of attention, and him telling her it was all her imagination. Silly girl, I thought to myself, can't you see the love was gone? The best girlfriend is the one he hasn't got yet.

Yet still she strived, still she tried. When they were first together they had talked about making a grand celebration, going back home to her country, to commemorate their meeting day, which was on a leap day. It didn't happen. He did come back to her country a few months later, not to celebrate their fateful meeting but to meet with another woman. She threw a fancy date for him that special day, atop LA's fancy high-rise lounge, just for the once-in-four-year occasion; unknowingly that he already had the other girl in mind. I am glad she didn't know it back then. I am glad all her concerns back then was, as always, the lack of acknowledgment. Poor, poor girl. Why did you even strive so hard?

Of course, she knew. She always knew, she just didn't consciously realize it. There was no mention of her anywhere in his posts. There was no public thank you note or loving words or whatever like he did before, even for the things she specially prepared for him. She felt she was an attention whore for wanting it, but deep inside she knew why she needed the public acknowledgment. When his gf told her that he said they were separated, she laughed hysterically. The unloved husband. The cruel, cold, wife. It made it all the better to garner sympathies, which exactly what happened after they made the separation public. Do you know what I did for him, I remember her yelling in despair, do you know how much I loved him? Nobody knows.

She was dead, but sometimes her ghost still lingers. The days towards their meeting day. The day where he kicked her out of the apartment. The day where she handed him the book she wrote for him, the book about their love story together, yet still he left to meet the other woman. The day where she found out about the other woman. She did not linger and weep for the love she lost, she lingered and wept for the love she gave, for her love that got trashed and tossed aside. Her grief often gave me nightmares, as I stood there helplessly, awash in her dreaded memories. One day her ghost will be gone, but for now she lingers.

Her post in 2012: "Which part that "I don't want to get married" that people failed to understand??"

His comment: "Change your mind…"

Rest in peace sweet darling. No one can hurt you anymore. You are free now. Shed the tears, grieved the grief, it is alright. You are safe now. You are free now.

Note: I am good. Something triggered me last night and the monsters returned. I just have to let them out :)

Dear Future Partner

Dear future partner, please don't show up yet.

I know I said I dream of wearing white again

To shiver with anticipation beneath your loving gaze

Spending nights in your warm embrace

Completing my life with your passionate love

But no, don't come just yet

The night of my life has just begun

And the clock won't strike 12 anytime soon

My glass slippers still going on strong

And who needs pumpkin carriage when you got Uber

So please, wait patiently

I promise you a lifetime of kisses and hugs

Innumerable 'I love you', both said and unsaid

I will make you a king and lift you high

And I will be yours, forever more

I want you, but just not now

Let me flutter among theaters and concerts

Let me dance in the ballroom and out on the streets

Let me laugh and flirt in opera houses and game houses

Let me roam the city, wild and free

It'll be fun to do it together, but not now

We shall have the fun together, I promise you

High and above looking classy and fancy

Low and beyond doing things we secretly like

Whatever we do, I promise you fun and companionship

Understand this, and let me be me for now

The night called me, full with promises of gaiety

The day beckoned me, each is an adventure

My tired shoes are worn from walking

But oh how fun life could be!

I want you, dear lover, so please be patient

I will hold your hands soon, and kiss you gently

You will be safe in my arms, fully loved

My life will be complete, and so will yours

Because I love like nobody else can love :)

And yes, I'm worth the wait.

Happy Valentine's Day, Singles!

Thanks to Facebook's "See Your Memories" a.k.a. "On This Day" function, I get to re-read all the romantic comments my ex-husband wrote to me on Facebook from the years before, while looking at his most recent profile pic which is him and his new girlfriend. Awkward…

Don't get me wrong, I love being single. So far it has been no less than amazing. Dirty dancing, checked. Swinger party (where everybody did the 1920s swing), checked. Shopping spree, checked. I cooked the weirdest thing (mashed potato with Guinness gravy, anyone?), meditate the whole night and day, go on my own adventures, flirt however and whenever I want to (and getting flirted back too!), I do whatever I want, whenever I want. My life has never been so complete.

But then there's that picture of him, and it brings back memories. When I love, I love hard core. I remember all the special days, and celebrate each and every one of them even when we were still apart. The first Valentine I spend with him, I saved up some money to make him a bouquet of tulip, his favorite flower, and some chocolate too. I took a bus to go to his work, my first 'big' bus trip in that area, and with the help of his friend, arrange a surprise for him. It was sweet, it was romantic, it was magnificent. Of course, us being us, I remember a boot went flying in the next few days or so. So much for romance.

Come what may, I never regret the love I have for him. It was beautiful, absolutely beautiful: all the little butterflies in my tummy whenever I saw him smile, all the warmth and fuzziness I feel when I am near him (no, he was not a bear), all the 'Please God, make it last forever', all that and so much more. It's like being high, nothing can go wrong, ever. Of course, as with most thing in life, it went awry in the end. When the high was gone, we realize we don't like each other much. So here I am, looking at old memories of how much he love me and wondering to myself: dafuq went wrong?

The answer is: nothing went wrong. When you already give all you've got and put your partner's happiness before you, there's nothing else you can do. There are no 'Ifs' that can change the past. The 'Ifs' can change your future though, there's nothing more valuable than a lesson learned. This post is not for me, this post is for all of you who are still trapped in the past. Let it go. The book is done, now close it gently and put it on the shelf where it belongs. And this is really hard to do, as nostalgia is a dirty liar that insists things were better than they seemed. Like I said, I got all sentimental about the flowers, but not as much when I remember the boot. (I threw it at him, by the way, and it was justifiable. Trust me.)

If on this glorious day where people bought overpriced flowers and chocolate and dinners in hope for a just-so-so sex (yes, Valentine) you found yourself still griping with the memory of your ex, let it go. Being single on Valentine's day doesn't mean you are not loved or not worthy. Losing a partner (a.k.a. being single) doesn't mean you are a failure. It may just mean you need to love yourself more. It may just mean you both are not the right fit, and there is nothing wrong with that. Cheer up, buttercup, life has so much more to offer. Happy Valentine's Day for all you singles out there. Now let's go out and shake the world up!

Red Hot Anger

2 nights ago I snapped. Well, it is a finer way to describe temporary insanity. I wish it was just a simple annoyance or brief anger, but it wasn't. It was a full-blown storm that wreak havoc. If I was the big bad wolf, I didn't just huff and puff the houses away. That night I was ready and willing to torch the straw house and watch it aflame, break each stick into little pieces and burn the pitiful next house down, and tossed a package of C4 or dynamites to the last house. Oh, and have a slice of each pigs: happily sinking my teeth into the soft, juicy slices with the crispy charred skin and the fat juice dripping on my lips. Yes, I was that angry.

As with any madness and various condition of drunk or high, the next morning I woke up with remorse. Words I said during my anger were hideous, and the hurt and the pain I inflicted might just be irreversible. I was so embarrassed with my behavior that I can't bring myself to talk to the person I hurt during my anger. The reason might be justified, but the way I feed on my anger, or to be exact, the way I let myself being eaten by anger was not ok. That night I lust for blood, and I got some. For what, though? To satiate my pain? Since you hurt me so I'll hurt you back? In the end, all I got was blood in my hand, and a look of pain from my 'opponent'. It's not worth it.

Oftentimes we think of ourselves as good people, that we won't hurt other people. We like to think that we have such strong grip of ourselves and we won't do such thing as blind anger. Such folly. Anger is the horrible mercenary with the mean face and a sadistic smile that waited on your front door. One opening, an inch or two of your opened door and he'll be inside, bludgeoning anyone, everyone near him. We will drag him out, yet still he stays there, waiting for another chance to happen. And he will never go away.  You can bar the door, bolt it, double lock it, and even install a bullet-proof metal door; yet he'll still be there for you. And the next opening, which you will eventually have because one cannot lock him/herself in the house forever, boom.

What I wish I had done that night was inviting him for tea, instead of letting him nicely butcher other people's feeling. I wish I had sat and listened to him, understand why he wanted to come in that night. And once he, we realize there is no point of him being there, we'll hug it out, have a bit of laugh together before I showed him the front door, and then give him another big hug before he left. It is easier to see now after the bloodlust is gone, especially since that night I believe he is oh so justified to wreak havoc. The million-dollar question was never about whether we can or cannot, it was always whether we should or should not. Most often than not, the answer is should not, or at the very least to do it in a more refined way.

You see, anger is not always without merit. I could think of many times where my anger allowed me to do things I need to do. I could think of many occasions where my anger became my strength and carry me through conditions where I probably won't make it alone. As a result, there are people who refuse to talk to me, even after more than a decade. Which I find both amusing and hilarious, by the way, as their silence really is a cheap price to pay compared to the job well done. Harnessed correctly, that temporary insanity can make people reluctant to mess with you, and can very well be more coercive than mere words. Anger, like other emotion in us, needs to be understood and treated with respect.

Even so, he is a mercenary through and through; his loyalty belongs only to himself. That is how I found myself hurting the person I cared deeply. A thousand apologies hover on my tongue, and a million more in my brain; but it won't undo the things I said in anger, just like the wolf can't un-roast the pigs. The person was graceful enough to understand what I went through, but I am not as forgiving to myself. Today's writing is my atonement. I need to remember to control and understand my anger, instead of letting him run havoc and destroying my life. It won't be easy, but it needs to be done.

Controlling anger is more difficult than it sounds, because anger is intoxicating. You are filled with white hot rage, and for the brief moment, you are invincible, that only you and your feeling matters. Anger blinded you and made you only see yourself, as well as (death and) destruction to others who has awoken your anger. It could be as grievous and serious as a lover caught cheating or other lies, but it can also be as mundane as a comment or article in the news or social media posts that made you scream injustice. Although it is crucial to soothe the anger, it may not be as easy to actually realize we are in Anger. And if we did not know we are angry, how can we stop it? 

The sure-fire way is the eternal question: How does this affect others and why does this affect me? Incoherent answer is a pretty good sign we are already blinded by our anger, as well as many variations of "Does it even eff- matter??". The so-called information era (a.k.a advancement of Internet) unmask the anger in people. Open any social media these days and you will find at least one angry post/comment. Some are well reasoned, some are bred from fear. Fear creates anger, uncertainty creates fear, distrust creates uncertainty, ignorance creates distrust. Is it really a wonder that the air we breathe these days (or at the very least our social media app) seemed to be swarming with red hot anger that choke and drown us?

The answer to the changes that happen these days is not to ignore it. Ignoring things are never the answer. The answer is to act what you think best, cool-headedly, and keep the calm in you. Let your anger become your strength, your motivation to move on, yet at the same time maintain your coolness and think ahead before you act. Anger could easily take over if you are not careful, and you will end up with only destruction and remorse. The world need more peace and calm, it has seen enough of sorrow and pain. Don't let our anger lit the world on fire. Not anymore.

The memory of that night fades away a little too easy for my comfort. I had wanted it to stay long, that way I will have a reminder to not act so destructively and so humiliatingly like that; however, my brain decided to move on accordingly. Yet even from the bits and pieces I still shuddered in horror. I don't want to be in that state of anger anymore: so ugly and horrible and debilitating. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to lose myself like that. And no, I don't want people to feel the way I feel that night, and definitely not the morning after. Be it in relationships, work, or even social media, recognize that flash of rage and control it before it controls you. Things will not always work in your favor or how you like it, and thus an opening will be created. Close it tightly, and if Anger is already in, sit and talk it through. There are enough wars and unhappiness in this world, let's not let ourselves be in a state of perpetual war as well. Be at peace, my dearest. Be at peace.

Coffee-and-Donut Morning

Coffee and donut in the morning, and my life is complete. Not even fancy coffee and donut, mind you. Just a regular office coffee and cream in a cardboard cup, and 10 for $1 glazed donut holes. Yet as I sipped the coffee and nibble on the donuts, my life feels complete. 

But my life has no right to feel complete. I have no right to be content. The climate change shows us its horrible mean face, with freak weather everywhere and the casualties it caused. We are depleting our natural resources. Our earth is more polluted than ever. Human greed overrules the earth with the rich getting richer and the poor getting fucked all over. Violence and hate are everywhere, permeating our daily lives and infests, rot our brain senselessly. We look at each other and see enemies. We look at ourselves and see enemies.

If that is not enough, apparently in US we have a president who is hell bent to do everything wrong, as well as people who are hell bent in thinking the president will be hell-bent to do everything wrong, depends on how you view it. This division is nothing new, really. In Indonesia, the same thing happens, and I believe also in every part of the world. Division is the new 'it' girl. In a time where uncertainties are ripe and every man is for himself, division provides a foothold for these confused souls, for us. At least we believe in something, at least we hold on to something, and God forbid what we believe is wrong.

Yet the coffee tasted sweet in my mouth, and the warmth of it spread all over my body. I grinned happily when my coworker told me my ham and cheese biscuit pinwheels tasted amazing. The sky is clear blue and the chilly air that bit me is a welcome torture on my round cheeks and puny nose. I remember the golden ray of sun hitting off the freeway ramp, and the streak pink of dawn behind Los Angeles' skyscraper. The book I've been reading is amazing. And so does the flirts, the pranks, the way I laughed and twirled at a swing dance party with abandoned care. Is life really that bad?

Maybe it is time we look and reconsider our priority. No, don't stop fighting for a cause that you believe, especially not if you think it could better the world. But do stop and smell the coffee. Stop and appreciate what we have in our hands. The mornings and evenings, the breath we inhale and exhale, the humans we meet, the pretty sight around us, the warm we have against the cold, look around you and find something you are grateful for. Humor yourself if necessary, be sarcastic and laugh at the world if you can't find anything nice to be grateful for. See the world in technicolor instead of gloomy black and white.

Some people are in pain, and when you are in pain it is very hard to see anything else past your pain. Same goes with fear and insecurities; after all, survival is any living thing's basic instinct. Yet they debilitate us, cloud our judgments and hinder our movements. The instinct to recoil from danger or eliminating one to ensure our survival oftentimes do not provide the best measure. Short-term fix (i.e. knee-jerk reaction) cannot be compared with long-term fix (i.e. thoughtful actions). There will be times when we need to be calm and think while considering the big picture, before deciding which action to take. 

The calm is in us. It is always inside us. When the holy books talked about heaven on earth, they talked about the peace in our heart. Strife and friction will always happen; after all, we are human with our own ego and needs and wants. The dream to have everybody hand in hand in harmony, laughing charmingly with the air filled with birdsongs and sweet flower scent is hilarious. Yet we can respect others, we can respect ourselves. We can create a world where each man and woman knows his/her own boundaries and act accordingly. We can find peace. To some it'll be only an extent or another form of truce, to others it could be the actual goal. Yet the result is the same: No conflict = peace.

What better way, nay, what other ways to do this but to seek the peace and calm within ourselves? To acknowledge and be pacified with the beauty and fortune we have around us? Look no further to start fixing the world. You don't want to fix something you don't love. You can't live a life tainted with hate and still have an innocent soul, still found peace within you. Life sucks, but there are other things in this life that are worth living for, worth fighting for. When you are at peace you can think; and when you can think, you can find solutions, or better, find hope.

Rumors are flying high and I am scared shitless. As an immigrant woman of color who has no backup here in US, everything seemed to be stacked high against me. But I refuse to cower in fear, I refuse to be lost in dread. The sun will still shine the morrow. I will find a way to smile and laugh, one way or another. Faith is my shield and hope is my sword, and I will slay the dragons of uncertainties that barred my way. The taste of the sweet hazelnut coffee still lingers on my tongue, and I can see the reflection of myself smile absent-mindedly on the computer screen as I wrote this article. Life is fine. Life is fun. Life is… fulfilling.

Little Monsters

I am sorry for the tears you shed inside. I am sorry for the grieving loss that create the abyss in your heart. I am sorry for the doubts and the what-ifs. I am sorry for the feeling of defeat. I am sorry for the painful jolt you have now and then when faced with your trauma. I am sorry for the long sigh you let go. I am sorry for every bitter "Well, that's just how the dice rolls." I am sorry that you got hurt. I am sorry that you are in pain. I am sorry that you are experiencing this agony.

And I am not even going to BS my way through, saying how this is a part of life or that you somehow deserve it. Yes, each of us human will experience this one way or another. Yes, sometimes, nay, most of the times we actually bring it to ourselves. No, knowing that does not make any agony or pain or other negative feelings we has go away more easily. It is there. You probably know why she left you, but the knowledge doesn't make your bed any warmer at night. It also won't wipe out the tears you shed or the gut-wrenching pain you have inside. Knowing is one thing, experiencing is another thing.

Some will argue that these negative experience, these feelings of non-happiness, are important for us as human. They mature us. They make us wiser. We learn from them and avoid making the same mistake again, just like we learn to not directly handle fire after we got burn once. Again, to some of us who is currently in pain, this means absolutely nothing. Are you really able to calmly go through the stinging paper cut on your finger just by thinking, "Well, next time I should be careful"? No amount of cussing or self-soothing can magicked your pain to disappear. Putting your mind elsewhere and not focusing on the pain might help, but it is still there. The only salvation is to wait for it to naturally ebbed away. And often time, it is not easy.

In a world so obsessed with happiness, with the 'high' and the next adrenaline rush, pain is sometimes forgotten (unless it is a way to get high). Nobody wants a gloomer, a Debby Downer. Everybody wants to be the cheerful, fabulous, fantastic person that other people look up to. Thus, our obsession with social media, or any type of media, started. Any words that have negative meaning is banished from copywrite. Gruesome news is written in a way that enticed, enthralled, and pulling the heart string of the reader/viewer instead of giving the cruel, hard, fact. None of your real-life things please. We just want to get high and happy.

Yet it is there, lurking in the shadow. We hide it, we pretend it doesn't exist. Like a bad case of acne, we conceal it underneath heavy foundation and glittering makeup. Or perhaps like the credit card statement we don't want to see, that we toss directly to the trash can while lying to ourselves: "We're good." Why? Because it hurt us. Sadness and grief and other negative emotion hurt and destroy us. We want it to go away, or at the very least sent to the back of our head where they can't hurt us anymore. Because if not then we'll become bitter and possessed by it. Just go, please go.

And this is where the sin started. Our life, our very existence in this world, since the first breath we inhale till the last breath we exhale, is completely doused in pain. Physical scratches and wound, disappointments and heartbreaks, is there really any of us human can say that they never had any pain in their life, even those who has brain issue? Just because we don't feel it or choose to numb ourselves with it doesn't mean that it is not there. And how we try to numb ourselves. Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, Pride, what are these but pale efforts to disconnect us from pain? The happier we are, the less in pain we'll be, right? Instead of addressing the pain, we manifest it or hide it in a different form. But it won't go away just like that. It can't.

Take my hand and let's visit those little monsters one by one: fear, sadness, grief, heartache, distrust, any other non-happy or non-positive feelings that you have inside you, that we have inside us. Have Pain sat next to you on the sofa and chill together. Arrange a date with Loss and sat there with her on the kitchen table with a steaming cup of cocoa. Go with Heartache for a day of adventuring. In the end they will still stay, but they won't stay for long. And even when they do stay, they stay as old friends instead of monsters in your head. This is not about banishing them, this is about accepting them until they have no more hold on you.

Some will require professional medical assistance with this, some won't; yet a journey is always easier when you know you are not alone. Here I stood on the earth's crust, just like you. Here I stood under the atmospheric layer of earth, just like you. Open your Pandora box and let your pain free; let your grief and sadness and fear found mine, and let them console each other. Console, remember this, and not devour. See them as they are in order to slowly release yourself from their hold. And at the bottom of the box, previously hidden by all the painful and negative emotion, you will find Hope. You will find Courage. You will find Self-Confidence. You will find your heart's true Strength. 

So take my hand, and never feel lonely again. I am here with you, in every word I wrote, in every thought I think. I may not know you in person, but we are acquainted with the same pain we have to endure as human. Let me be by your side, as you'll be by my side. In a treacherous world filled with the promise of pain and agony, let us be each other's light and each other's warmth. You have suffered, and so have I. Let our grief and hurt accentuate this pretty world with dark streaks that will enhance its beauty and highlight the glowing joy it holds. I am here with you, and you are here with me. We are not alone. We never are.

Perfectly You

As I read his messages on my phone, the rant that went on and on, I can't help feeling sorry for him. I know I am not a slut. I know I am doing well. I know people like me. I know that I actually got it good, as a matter of fact, after our divorce; regardless of what he said. I know that I should feel sorry for him, that he had to resort with portraying me as the unworthy villain just to get over me. Hey, at least I can still see the good person in him. I feel bad for him and hope he can find solace.

Yet hours after the last messages were read, I was still shaking. After the messages end, my hand darted quickly between apps, torn between impulse buying and impulse flirting; both, I know, I will totally regret later. I needed comfort. I needed cover. I needed a quick fix to ensure his lashes wont scarred me. Which bothered me because he shouldn't have so much control of me. Like, why am I even talking to him again?

But then again, even if I don't know him, even if he is a mere stranger on the bus, I would still get hurt. It is about getting hit with negative energy. It is about a person trying to exert his/her power over you, pretty much raping your worth. Since it is from a person that I know, it makes it even more painful. For instance, being called Fatso by a deluded stranger on the street felt like getting a good bitchslap, being told you look like a whale in bikini by a family member felt like getting kissed by a wrecking ball right in the face.

"But I never hit you," he would say. Yea, but words can break you too; and a lot of time these are the wounds that healed the longest, if ever. The pain of bullying, for instance, hardly ever go away. And despite our best effort, words leave mark on our soul. Just like physical touches, you can caress somebody gently and you can smack the shit out of them. Why choose the latter if you can choose the first? Why trying to create your ideal world by forcing your thoughts, when it's you who is broken? You can't make yourself prettier by calling other people ugly.

The truth is, nobody is born pure evil or ugly. What they are, their choices, their decision to be whoever they show in public is theirs and theirs alone. There are many, many aspects in a human than what we choose to see. Human is like a multi-faceted diamond, so many sides and wonders in it. Some, as I sadly realize again today, is best to be left alone. But that doesn't mean they are less than human. Not everyone has the luxury of growing up in a conducive environment, just like not everyone has the luxury of growing up with drinkable, easily accessible tap water.

This attitude of "Thou shall speak no evil" does not only relate to domestic violence or visible minority group. This attitude should be use with everyone. Whenever I saw an online dating profile that says "Don't bother if you are a Trump supporter" I always make sure I swipe left. Hard. Like, we have not even talk yet and you already judge me based on my political preference? On how you perceive I view things even though it is not necessarily true? What's next? "Don't bother if you read Twilight", "Don't bother if you don't support Dodgers", "Don't bother if you are vegan"; I mean, dafuq? Who are you to judge and demean me with your words without knowing who I truly am?

Everytime I hear somebody explaining to me: "Oh it's because...". No, you don't need to explain anything. You don't need to explain why you are the one taking care of your uncle. You don't need to explain about why you always wear loose baggy clothes. You don't need to explain your love for gaming or other so-called-not-normal things while fervently hoping you wont scare your date away. You don't need to explain why you choose or don't choose a presidential candidate. You don't need to make justification of who you are just because an insecure prick try to lift his/herself higher than you.

At the same time, don't be that prick. The biggest issue that mankind has in this present day is our self-made tunnel vision. We choose to see what we want to see, and nothing else. The advancement of technology enables us to gather as much information as we can, yet we only read what is comfortable for us. The same news would be circulated over and over again in my Facebook feed, a pattern I noticed both from my Indonesian and American friends. This reluctance to even peek to the other side, let alone open-minded enough to actually trying to digest it to see the whole big picture, is very alarming.

This is the reason for victim or slut shaming. This is the reason for demeaning words and instant judgement. This is the reason for numerous pain inflicted on and scarred so many just because we are not mature enough to be kind and to be understanding; just because we are this horrible little deformed turtle hiding inside our 'safe' house because the world is too scary for us. The sick part is, often times we judge and say horrible things to others because we are conditioned to do so, because we too are victims of other people's narrow-mindedness and insecurities. Isn't this sad?

It is a sick, sick world we live in; and it is high time we heal it. We focus on cleaning up the polution that we can see, the climate change that we can feel; let's also focus on cleaning up the polution in our heart, the hurtful world we have right now. There's beauty in every aspect of this world. Be humble and realize each person in this world knows something that you don't know. Be brave and seize this world, dive head first onto the glory and wonders it offers. Step out of your shell. You will be fine. You are not perfect. Heck, nobody is. But you are, always, perfectly you. Embrace it. Life is not that bad, really. It's not.

A Million Heartbreaks

A million heartbreaks and I'm still ready to love

The promise of first kiss

The palpating heartbeat

The 'accidental' brush against each other

Who can take that away from me?

A thousand teardrops and I'm still ready for love

The shy but eager smile

The nervous but excited laughter

The tremble as we exchange our numbers

Who can take that away for me?

A hundred sleepless nights and I still want to love

The first whisper of intimacy

The gentle caress and gentler touch

The sweet promise of forever

Who can take that away from me?

A dozen of whys and denials and I still brace for love

The blooming feeling inside

The glittery world so pretty and bright

The 'perfect moment' that seemed to last a lifetime

Who can take that away from me?

Tonight I walk down the City of Angels

Pain in my heart, tears on my face

Void deep inside, fear gripped me hard

The feeling of loss, the devastating defeat

Who can please take that away from me?

The woman next to me answered, "I can."

Exotic brown skin and transfixing smile

Mismatch shirt and cool thick coat

A being out of place, out of love

Can she really take that away from me?

My image in the store window can promise none

Except those that has been set in stone

That the sun will rise, the night will come

That joy and pain works together

That love will always comes around

Let me cry again tonight over my shattered heart

And the next night and the next 

And all the nights until I am ready again

To love, to live, to be myself once more

To say goodbye and close the chapter

 

But not to forget, no no

No love should be forgotten or despised

Each scar is a part of our soul

Each teardrop is a part of our journey

Each love is a part of our life

A million heartbreaks come and go

And I am still here for love

Still believe in it, still in love with it

Still wanting it, still trusting it

Albeit a million other heartbreaks that'll follow

Rain can't last forever

Snow will melt into spring

Light will chase away darkness

Warmth calms us down

And love will always comes around

A million heartbreaks

A thousand teardrops

A hundred sleepless night

A dozen of whys and denials

Yet love is still the most beautiful thing

I am ready to love

I am ready for love

I desire love

I brace the risk of love

And one day, I will love and be loved

Till then I will walk

Till then I will hope

Till then I will pray

Till then I will wait

Till Love found me, and I found him

Christmas is Cancelled

Pull out that red lace bra

Put on that kinky thong

Spritz up that sexy perfume

Coz it's Christmas time

 

And Imma party till I drop

Imma Imma party till I drop

 

Combat boots and mini dress

Mistletoes and sexy smile

Spiked hot cocoa and straight up shots

Come on, it's Christmas time

 

And Imma party till I drop

Imma Imma party till I drop

 

Bodies on the sofa, more on the floor

Everybody else is getting more

How did I get here, why should I care?

Hella yeah, it's Christmas time

 

And Imma party till I drop

Imma Imma party till I drop

 

Woke up with hangover like Kesha would

A stranger next to me like Katy should

Starting a new romance like Taylor could

Hey baby, it's Christmas time

 

And Imma party till I drop

Imma party till I drop

 

Yet here I am alone in my room

In Superman pajamas and kitty cat socks

Cold, cold beer and spicy hot soup

Entertaining the ghost of Christmas past

 

I aint getting out, no I aint

Christmas is cancelled love, it's cancelled

 

The innocent faces were there no more

The happy laughter was gone as well

 No Christmas shopping, no Christmas joy

It's me and the heater and the buzzer for sure

 

I ain't getting out, no I ain't

Christmas is cancelled love, it's cancelled

 

"You think it's easy, prick!" I yelled and scream

Even though the picture cannot reply

But what is destroyed cannot be repaired

And this very day, my Christmas end

 

I ain't getting out, no I ain't

Christmas is cancelled love, it's cancelled

 

I got Netflix and Game of Throne

I got books and movies galore

I got food and drink and online pals

Whoever need stepkids and family and Christmas Joy?

 

I ain't getting out, no I ain't

Christmas is cancelled love, it's cancelled

 

Maybe next year I'll re-instate the Christmas

Maybe next year I'll party so hard

Maybe next year I'll have a family once more

But this year, let the sleeping Grinch lie…

 

[Merry Xmas for those who are still able to celebrate, you lucky MoFos :* ]

Note: news about this old but gold Xmas Godzilla (all hail Japan!) can be found at http://inventorspot.com/articles/giant_godzilla_christmas_tree_spruces_tokyo_mall

The Song of Doubt

Be still my heart, be still

Don't fret the bright warm days

Don't fear the dark cold nights

Be still my heart, be still

When the world unravels before you

When what you know crumbles beneath you

When you are lost in the sea of doubts

When you are drowned in uncertanties

Be still my heart, be still

When memories assault you like a wrecking ball

When loneliness smothered you like a deadly kiss

When your existence feels like a speckle of sand in the dune

When you future torments you with what it wouldn't be

Be still my heart, be still

When you feel you are not moving forward

When you feel you are shackled to the ground

When you feel you are incapable and unworthy

When you feel you are shameful and stupid

Be still my heart, be still

Yes we are drowning

Yes we are struggling

Yes we are scared and confused

Yes we are losing

For now. Not for long.

Take one step forward, a baby step, a tiny step

Lift our chin higher, a bit higher, a simple smile

Trust ourselves a little better, a little more

See who we are and what we can do, what we will do

Be still my heart, be assured

Look up above to what we respect

Look deep inside to what we love

Look back to see how far we've gone

Look forward to see the tasks laid for us

Have faith my heart, have faith

Acknowledge your worth, acknowledge your strength

Push your limitations, then push it some more

Hold true to what you believe, to what is precious

And when your heart came calling, follow it to the very end

Be still my heart, be still

Trials and tribulations are a thing we can overcome

Doubts and fears cement our faith of what we believe

Helplessness is a reason to be better, to be stronger

And they all will forever be a part of us, to shape who we are

Be convinced my heart, be trusting

Have faith in yourself

Have faith in your intention

Have faith in people that help you

Have faith in who sets you up for this

Be strong my heart, believe in thyself

You are capable to do this

You have good intention to do this

You may need a little more time but heck

YOU CAN DO THIS

So be still my heart, be still

Be confident, be courageous

Absolve the fear and doubts

Hold on to your worth and to your faith

And take that one step forward

Be still my heart, be still

Our life has only just begun

Our self has only just blossomed

Be still my heart, be still

Cold, Cold LA

I lay awake almost the entire night, spending it in silent agony. I was tossing and turning in my bed; doing every possible, thinkable way to get myself to sleep. 10 pm, 11 pm, 12 am, 1 am, and still I lay awake. The night seemed to go on forever, and the sweet sweet morning will never come.

There was no comforting warmth of my sister's or my mom's body sleeping next to me. There was no promises of silly giggles of my nephews and niece, or cool time with my group at my cousin's cafe. There was no promise of tomorrow, as a matter of fact. As I turned on my heater I shivered. Los Angeles has never felt colder.

I thought of the days I would have to spend alone. I thought of the lonely little shoebox apartment I currently called home. I thought of the awful health service here, how I dread being sick or even to get basic service like pap smear. I thought of the police who nonchalantly claim there was no threat in the intimidating e-mails my ex-husband sent to me, when I was scared out of my wit. Here I have no protection. Here I have no one to call my own. Here I spend lonely nights alone. Why am I here again?

The night grew older and still I lay awake for God knows how long. It was already 5.40 am when I opened my eyes, so I did get some sleep. Yet it seemed like I did not get any. I dragged myself out of bed and start prepping for my day. The thought of tasks at work calmed me a bit. Anything is better than the monstrous night. I will have to face him again, but not until 14 more hours. I tried my best to quenched my fear for the impending doom. I will be fine, I lied to my self, I will be fine.

I manage to catch my first bus on time. Then my second. Then my third. The busy city streets gradually change into freeways and then the suburbs. The city sky adorned with flashy city lights and the purple-orange streak of dawn evolve into warm sun lit day blurred by the morning fog. The air grew chilly, and I immediately put on my jacket. Yet unlike the night, I did not feel the chill in my heart. Instead I found a welcoming comfort, a feeling that I belong. This is home.

Changes will happen, obstacles and other challenges will arise; but the morning light will stay the same. Morning will always come after the night. Hope will prevail. Here lies my dreams and my hopes. Here lies the thing I hold dearest: myself. Lonely sleepless nights await me for sure, at least for now. But bright mornings and hopeful days will be there too. When there is hope, there is life.

As I sat here typing these words, shivering to my bones, I can't help but thinking how shallow it all sounds. I must be kidding myself. The odds are stacked against me. I can't think of a single positive outcome of me being here. These words are pitiful words I said to fool myself. How pathetic. Then the sun hit me, graced me with her warmth. Fear is the night, dotted with uncertainties and terrors; hope is the morning, filled with sureness and dreams. Both exist in our life, both inseparable and necessary. As the night will surely comes, the morning will come as well.

I will fear the night later. I will deal with my terrors later. For now I have the morning. For now I have the sun. For now I have hope. For now the cold, cold Los Angeles doesn't bother me. Have a blessed morning, dear readers.

The Three Homes

It's been 13 days since I left LA. The tall buildings, the busy public transportation, the chilly wind, the frustratingly short fall/winter days, they all seemed light years away.

For a week they were replaced with humid (and almost suffocating) weather, bumper-to-bumper gridlock traffic jam, street food and somewhat fancy food, the skyline that stretch on forever, and glitzy malls that made you giddy with opulent excitements.

For the next week those too will be replaced with ceaseless scooter driving, with wind in my hair and the harmonic chaos of gamelan (Balinese orchestra) in my ears, suckling pigs on spit and mom's homemade cooking, temples to pray and bars to play with beaches and mountains in between.

One is a place where I was born and raised. One is where my rightful place is, the source of my blood within. One is where I can be myself. So which one is home?

Home is where I chat like crazy till 2 in the morning, and play card/dice games for hours afterwards. Home is where I sip coffee and gossiped with a friend, and on and on we went. Home is looking at my friend's attractive yet incredibly expressive face and totally understand why people loved her. Home is excitedly yet anxiously sitting in the car on the way to the temple, longing so bad to be there and find solace once more.

Home is running to the ocean with mismatched bikini, and jump gleefully into it. Home is laughing with the wave and splash the water around, feeling purified and rejuvenated and simply...happy. Home is drinking beer in a club made to look like a giant house party, and as the night went on the calm friend became more and more vivid. Home is little tiny hands touching me and calling me over and over again: "Bugek Ary!" (auntie Ary), Dad's plans and Mom's easy goingness, siblings love and bickerings.

Home is long commute with cool bus drivers and interesting passengers. Home is homemade lunch for the weekdays and freshly grilled bf-made meals on weekends. Home is cool job and even cooler co-worker. Home is intense business discus/tsion and entertaining board games. Home is the endearing "Hey" in messaging apps, and the smile I'll soon see in person. Home is lonely life yet a satisfying one, a state of mind where one become the city itself.

Three places, three life, three homes. To say I am merely blessed is a gross understatement.

A true prowess of human is his/her ability to adapt to his/her surrounding, and use it to the max; to be able to see both silver lining in even the most frustating condition and bloomed with it. We know limits in physical matters, but spiritually we are limit-free. Our soul, our mind transcend matter. And thus, we are bigger than we look, than we choose to believe.

Had I lived a life constrained to just a singular home, a life in any of the three homes I have would be fulfilling indeed. But I have three of them. Others might have less, or even many more. This knowledge buoyed my spirit and made me realized how vulnerable yet powerful we are spiritually, how fascinating our mind and adaptation power is, how truly beautiful my life is. We are not a flock of ducks herded by the unknown farmer, we are kings and queens of our own realms.

The three homes beckon me, calling me. I have loathed and feared and angry at each of my homes. I have loved each of them even more. And now I will heed their calling. I am home. I am home. I am home.

A Note To Myself

Hey you at the bus stop

Yes you with that silly grin all over your face

Focusing so intently into your phone

As if the world doesn't exist

Elation, joy, ecstacy

Tinged with a dose of disbelief

Even as your fingers texted the words:

"I passed the exam!!!"

Do you really think it was that awesome?

Or matters that much?

Do you really think it was special?

That somehow, you are special too?

Good.

Because you deserve it.

Because you earned it.

Because you really are special.

A piece of paper they say

A lousy course, unimportant

There are other, grander things in life

Better, bigger achievements too

But that is *your* accomplishment

*your* effort 

*your* struggle

*your* achievement

It's all the hours reading on the bus

It's all the horrid feeling of racing against time

It's all the despair, the doubts

It's every thoughts that you'll never get it right

But you did. You passed.

You rise from the ashes and ready to fly

You pick up the pieces and put it together

You embrace the rain and dance gleefully

You could have quit, but you didn't

You could have stuck in sorrow, but you didn't

You could have ceased 'living', but you didn't

You could have given up hope, but you didn't

The pain and scars didn't break you

It smoothen you, brighten you

The anger and madness didn't kill you

It strengthen you, empower you

You are still the girl full of hope, if not more

You are still the woman full of love, if not more

You are still the self-rescuing princess

You are still the damsel, no longer in distress

With each sorrowful step you move forward

A smile on your face, a hope in your mind

A stabbing pain in your heart

But still you move forward

The pain is there, but it will disappear

With each step forward it'll slowly erode

The smile and hope will keep getting brighter

And that, love, is how we 'move on'

Don't deny the past because it happened

Don't hate it, despise it, or loath it

Embrace the love, the laugh, the feel good

Both joy and sorrow is a part of you

Congratulations for passing the exam

For completing it before the deadline you set

The piece of paper is not just a piece of paper

It's a proof that you live through

You did good.

You did awesome.

You did fantastic.

You'll do so much more.

Congratulations for defeating the pain

For choosing life over sorrow

For keeping faith even when you were lost

For nurturing love in the midst of hate

You go girl, you awesome!

You earn your stripes, you worth your salt

And nobody can take that away

It's yours, and yours to keep

Always remember who you are

And how far you've gone

Always keep that love, that faith, that dazzling smile

Always keep the kindness and share it too

Congratulations love, congratulations

I am as proud as I can ever be

We did it girl, we totally did it

And we'll do so much, so much more

The world will keep on turning

And we will keep on walking

Moving on, moving on

We will keep on moving on, you and I

Winter Blues

"I'm fine. I'll be fine," I whispered to myself as I grab another tissue and furiously wiped my tears. It's not even noon yet and I was already in tears, a too-typical scenario that I thought would never ever happen again now that I am not with my ex anymore. But it happened, and this time there was no one to blame. It's just life.

A part of me was making tons of excuses: the weather swings (from heat-stroke sunny days to gloomy-ass rainy days), my period, the fact that yes it has only been 3 months since the divorce was filed and naturally I am still grieving, the new life that I have right now, me overstretching myself to be better and burned myself out in the process. Another part of me, a more logical part of me simply berate me for being weak and questioned my existence. Yeah, she's not that nice, but useful though to push me above my limit.

I get it. I know my limit. I know things I can do and things that I can't do. I can do the things that I wanted or needed to do. Yet at the same time, I am not ready. Haven't we all been there? The feeling that we just can't? I feel like walking in quicksand (not that I actually did), or in a sinking boat. It's the feeling that the end is near and there is nothing to hold on too, no solid steps or rocks to step on. I know in the end I will be able to lift myself up and save myself from whatever it is, but right now it feels so overwhelming and I can't shake off that desperate and melancholy feeling.

It is not so bad, actually. It's hard to stay depressed when you are aware how good life is. The next good food, the next genuine smile, the next funny joke, and I'll be as happy as a bee in a summer day. Normally. Yet it doesn't always happen like that. Sometimes you are so down and so blue that nothing could lift your spirit, not even your favorite things or favorite food or (gasps!) favorite person. And it's fine. You just need to ride it out.

Sometimes people don't get it, or overlook it when trying to make the other person feeling better. "Cheer up, buttercup!" "There are worse things in life." "You can do it!!". To their credit, it hurts to see the person you care about, or heaven forbid, the person you look up to, being down in the dump like that. Unfortunately, feelings don't work that way. Telling somebody to cheer up when they're down is like telling somebody to grow an inch or two in an instant. Feeling, especially negative ones, need to be ridden out; and the best thing you can do for someone is to tell them these words: "I know you are in a bad place. Take your time. I will wait for you until you are ready."

We can't change our emotion from happy to 'normal' or sad to 'normal' in an instant, just as we can't change our height or weight or skin color in an instant. We can change our emotion or feeling if there is a strong enough trigger, but even the strongest trigger won't necessarily work if we are already holed up in our own little world. Feelings, emotions, they wane off. Nothing last forever, no matter how hard you try to hold on to them (but if the feeling/emotion does stay, you might have a pathological issue). All we can do is ride them off until it doesn't matter anymore and we can 'snap' out of it.

As much as I want to say that it is a sign of weakness, it is not. Being sad, being hurt, being physically and/or emotionally overwhelmed is a valid enough reason to went into the chute, the abyss of desperation. Heck, you feel you. We don't need to explain or apologize or make excuse on how we really feel. We can talk about it to make us feel better and to not alienate our love ones, but no excuses needed. Discussion, not excuses, just as Hallows, not Horcruxes. But sometimes, when you can't even bring yourself to talk, rejoice in your silence. It is ok to be depressed.

Since winter is approaching, this might be an issue for a lot of people. I can feel myself (and my sanity) being dragged deeper and deeper in my desperation every passing day. It is funny I never realize how dependent I am with the sun, or scientifically, to vitamin D3. Some say taking additional Vitamin D3 might ease the winter blues (such romantic name for such uncool and horrifying time of the year), but do take them responsibly. Just talking to you readers like this already making me feel better. I still feel like the world is coming to an end, but I don't really give a sh*t about that anymore. Stay warm dear reader, and stay sunny. Winter can't last forever, nor our sadness and desperation. We'll be just fine.

Pretty Girl Rocks

I am pretty. Goddammit I really am. I'm not just pretty nice, pretty strong, or pretty awesome; or, as some would say, pretty stubborn, pretty annoying, pretty aggravating. I really am pretty. I got complimented a lot wherever I go. I mean, being an Indonesian in LA is already a pretty niche position, there aren't that many of us around. We're not Philippines or Hispanic, we're just…different. However, these days the compliments were going extra strong. People actually like looking at me. And let me tell you: It feels sooo good.

This is not the first time I felt this way. I think every time I fall in love or started a new relationship I got this feeling too. You feel pretty and significant when you are in love and being loved, so naturally you will enjoy looking at yourself in the mirror more. Endorphins work wonder on our complexion and poise and our whole self in general. Our skin aglow, our smiles brighten, our eyes lit with hope and wonder; in short: we're love-struck. Every inch of our body screamed 'love' and 'affection', and since we are in (almost) constant happy mood, the world seems to be so much nicer and absolutely wonderful.

But you know what else triggered that endorphin, perhaps even bigger than love itself? Success. Self-confidence. Freedom. Knowledge that you got your sh*t together.

I want to say I got it all together, but I didn't. Or, to be exact, I haven't got it together. The euphoria of the battlefield (a.k.a my divorce) has waned and now I am able to see clearly the desolated path lies before me. I am still struggling with my new job and I am worried that I might not cut for it. I don't know how I can save enough money to go home and visit my family next summer. I am swamped with homework and online course, and I haven't had full 8 hours of sleep since July (note: people who knows me well understand how big of an issue it is for me). I miss my family, my step kids, my cats. Things honestly do not look rosy for me.

Yet I rocked wine-colored body-hugging shirt dress and black combat boots to my work meeting. I downed (free!) samples of liquors and wines at the LA Women's Expo with some girlfriends, then conclude it with the all-famous LA's Danger Dogs. I went to carved pumpkins festival and had a blast (Cthulhu for prez!!), wandering around for almost 2 hours. I met a dear friend for the first time ever, despite the fact we both living near (or in) LA for 3 years. I went to Seattle and experienced 36 hours of awesomeness of Rail Tripping (yes Amtrak, that's what I will call it from now on). I danced Balinese dance for the first time (and totally failed at it). My days are long but people has never been nicer to me, which makes the 6+ hours commute each day totally worth it. Life is awesome.

In a way, that's what makes me glow: the notion that life is awesome. What's more important is the understanding and knowledge that not only I have the right to experience life to the max, I also can do it. I am no longer the timid puppy waiting for the master to come home, I am a wolf running free in the wild. I felt like I have been pushed to run in Iron Man race (which, by the way, will never happen in real life) and so I grudgingly did and feeling like I was gonna die; but I survived and I look back in surprise thinking: "Holy sh*t! I actually did it!".  I know my strength. I know what I am capable of. I am also very, very proud of myself. It's beautiful, myself is; beautiful even though kinda chipped here and there, but I won't change it for anything because the broken bits only enhanced its beauty. Yes, I bloomed; and goddammit how I glowed!

Knowing my strength also allows me to be me. There were days, nights when the old me came back with worries and fear, questioning everything and instill doubts in me. It is uncomfortable, but it is not permanent anymore. For instance, when I get worried whether or not I am 'good' enough for my beau, I would toss my head up and said bravely, "I can always walk away". [Though with a little quiver still. I really dig him]. Not that I intend to, but the notion of what I can do gives me strength and confidence that I need. I am no longer tethered to 'What if…", which is very good, because not all What-ifs are preventable or manageable and I'll be wasting my time and energy fretting over them. As a presidential candidate said: "The shackles have been taken off me!"

No, my previous relationship was not the shackle, as tempting as it is to claimed it as one. My shackle is my doubts, my lack of self-confidence. My shackle is my own mind tethering me to 'safety' in order to get a happily ever after where I will be safe and sound. My shackle is my fear of not being accepted, of having to live by myself and unloved. There is still a good part of me shackled, especially in the manner of self-confidence, but I am looking forward to be free from it and strut my way in the world. Even now when I am only halfway (ok, maybe 2/3 of the way) freed, I can feel myself rising to the challenge, blooming and more receptive to the amazingness of the world. I am free, with my five senses spoiled and my heart filled with love. Is it really a wonder I look so different these days?

There will be times, challenging times ahead; because God likes to challenge us and Universe likes to tease us. There will be times when the mood of my writings will be more somber or even downright devastating (again). But that could wait. For now, I am enjoying my grinning face and my easy going struts. For now, I enjoy the compliments and the dreamy look from people who seen me. For now, I enjoy planning and filling my days with fun and laughter, as well as pursuing my ambitions. For now, I enjoy this feeling of self-confidence and freedom, and the pride in myself as well as the pride of knowing I got my sh*t together. And no, you can't take that away from me. Nobody can. Enjoy this smile fellas, you'll be seeing this smile for quite a while.