Fat Rolls

We were talking about body positivity in my burlesque class yesterday. This picture is everything I hate about my body (fat rolls) and everything I like (a pair of really nice legs). 

I know this picture disgust some people, and I apologize for that. I personally think it's fine on being uncomfortable with excessive body fat. Some people have perception on what they are comfortable with, and what is not. But to hate, mock, attack? It's never fine. 

It's a difference between not liking coffee, and berating anyone who drinks it. Keep your preference to yourself. 

Yet in some culture it's so pervasive. The "lose weight to get better life" mantra was spoken in good intention. The "whale washed ashore on the beach" joke was nothing damaging. Your whole life and worth is based on other people's perception, and trust me when I say it's like chasing the high. It will never ends.

Any relationship will have ebb and tide, high and low. It is not a calm lake with no change. Yesterday I took a video of me practicing the burlesque routine and felt really good about it. Today I am disgusted with the jiggly fat. But what never change is the feeling I have during my interaction with my body.

It's choosing to remember the moaning sound a man made when I am bouncing on top of him, instead of continuously worrying I looked like a melted cupcake from his angle.

It's choosing to feel excited when a man 'accidentally' brush my legs with his legs, or intentionally caress my thighs with his hands with my consent. The flabby fat deposit is there, but does it really matter?

It's choosing to feel the whole person in my full embrace. The fatty upper arms and neck/chin folds allow me better surface area to feel them. To love them.

Being not chosen, not wanted, is a horrible feeling. It's a trauma that I have always struggled with. I tried my best to ensure the people I care about don't feel that way, even after we parted way. It's time to extend that love to myself. I choose you, self. I want you.