A Piece of Me

The world is on fire and I am dancing under the chandeliers.

It's upsetting, I know. I am upset at myself, too. Where did that woman go? The fierce woman who is vocal about injustice, who prays day in and night for the safety of those who are hurt? Did the lioness turn into a docile sheep? Was happiness such a lethal drug that leaves me incapacitated?

Maybe I am just fed up with the world. The fear mongering. The scare tactics. The clickbaits and attention seeking. Maybe I am angry at all the anger because they're just that: fiery anger but nothing more. How things should change but we rather not be the one that changes it.

Maybe the world has worn me out so much that I can't help being frustrated and depressed about it. Layer after layer of burdens. Chain after chain of limitations. I could only cry my heart out as nothing I do could make a dent in the world.

But here, here is another world. The soft, loving gaze from my fiancé. The laughter and teases while the group are playing board games. The hugs and jokes as our friends and us plan our next get-together. The joy I see from my cooking.

In my world, in this little garden of mine, things are grown with care and are loved. I can give enough love and attention to see the flowers bloom, the fruits hanging low, and the crops ready to be harvested.

I still pray. I still weep. I still wish for the good in the world, a future where hurt and harm can be reduced to a minimum. It starts from my home, from my garden, from my world.

Here, world. Take these healthy, happy things. May they nourish you. May they heal you. May you feel glorious because they indeed are. I am but a human and I am limited, but I try my best to leave love and care to those I met. Here world, have a piece of me.

Free Bunny

I jokingly told my fiancé how hard domestic life is for a partnerless salary-woman and I need my house-husband back. He was not a house-husband and life was honestly not that bad.

The thing is, I would never have said those words before. Come rain or shine, I am dependable. People depend on me. I depend on me. Giving up control and letting people take care of me is...weird.

I have to say it's been great, though. The amount of physical and mental relief was amazing. The 25 minutes difference between when he picked me up from the train station vs when I walked home is a difference of HOURS of me staying up to do more things. This is just an example.

Yet if something went wrong, I know what people would say. "You shouldn't have depended on him that much." Or "You shouldn't have loved him that deeply."

These words were said to me in every relationship I failed at, romantic or friendship. 

But why is it my responsibility, my fault when someone hurt me? Why do I have to pay for the moat and the spikes and the crocodiles in the moat? Why do I have to build the wall?

Due diligence must be taken, for sure. I need to be active in protecting myself. I need to be vigilant for red flags and shittiness all around. But I am not going to stop loving, nor condemning myself in a life of hermitage just because there are a-holes out there.

I have said this so many times and I will say it once more: Do not blame people for trusting. Do not blame people for loving. Blame the people who took advantage of that trust and love.

I refuse to live in a scary world because someone might stab me in the back. When someone betrays me after I love and trust them, it's a reflection of them and not myself.

Some people choose to be petty and miserable like that, but I'll skip it. This bunny is free.

Self Care

My therapist helped me realize I am allowed to exist. People are allowed to have boundaries, preferences, feelings, or opinions. That doesn't mean I should constantly erase myself to cater for those, nor that I am a bad person if I want to put my self first.

My therapist helped me see I have no control on people's actions or feelings. I can give my best to the world, and there will still be people who think it's not enough or it's wrong. It's not a slight on my part, and I shouldn't burn myself trying to fix it nor should I think I am a failure.

My therapist helped me accept the concept of being imperfect. If people want to leave me they would, no matter how perfect I am. No human is perfect. My flaws might be acceptable for some but not others. It doesn't make me less. If anything, it allows me to improve myself.

My therapist helped me understand that deciding to love is brave. It takes strength to love. Sometimes you love with all that you have and it still doesn't work. That's ok too. I decided to love, and that's all that matters. My grief or happiness is valid regardless of how good or bad that person was.

My therapist helped me to acknowledge it's ok to be me. I am not everyone's cup of tea and it's ok. Regardless, I deserve the same kindness and compassion I showed other people especially from myself. I am cool enough for me to love.

My therapist is awesome and I am glad I took that step. This is my self care. I feel better, healthier, and in much less pain. Mental health should be as important as our physical health. Have you checked on yours?