Punching Bag

The biggest lesson I had in 2021 was that I am allowed to say no. 

Sorry, let me rephrase it. 

The biggest lesson I had in 2021 was that my feelings and opinions matter, and what other people feel about that is a "them" problem. I don't need anyone's permission to act or feel a certain way.

This take is obviously problematic. This is, arguably, exactly how douchebags act. Do what you want regardless of the consequences, because we are entitled to it thanks to our traumas and experiences. 

Except that we're not.

I realized now I am a people pleaser. I will go above and beyond to make sure people (I love) are comfortable. I took their anger and bad mood and neglect with "Oh that's just who they are." "They can't help being miserable, and I am naturally a happier and stronger person." "They got more on their plate than I do."

I am very, very lucky. My job is nice and sorta kinda pays the bill. I am debt-free. My coworkers are awesome. I am friendly, attractive, fun. I don't have kids. I have almost zero responsibility. My mental baggage is big but my balls and stubbornness are bigger. I can take the hit.

But I shouldn't.

Whether intentionally or not, hurt people hurt others. It's graceful to be understanding, to patiently hold someone's hand and their crushing grip as they struggle to breathe. It's kind to let people cry on our shoulders. Yet it's horrible to take advantage of someone's mercy under the guise of "They can take it" or "They have it better".

I didn't ask to be who I am, to be (mostly) unproblematic. It's not fair to expect me to always understand and carry someone's burden, no matter how strong I seemed to be. Even a broken, traumatized stray dog can and should be taught to not be reactive; to understand some people are trying to help and love them. It wasn't on me to make others' lives better.

I am allowing myself to say no to this. I am allowing myself to set boundaries. I am giving myself the respect I deserve, the care and love I am worthy of. It's a hard and painful lesson, but one I am grateful for. Thank you, 2021.

Will No, Not Will Yes

Just like many women, I fell into the whole "I wish I had Will Smith in my life" wagon for a bit. Having someone willing to stand up for me publicly seemed to be an unachievable wet dream. Men who will fight for you in this economy? Yea right.

Yet as I ponder through the situation, I realize I am not wishing to have a Will Smith in my life. I am wishing that I don't need to need a Will Smith in my life.

In between the memes of bravado, the standing ovations, all the Instagram and Twitter tags, the fact remains: why did Chris Rock think it was funny to make that joke? Jokes about somebody's medical condition, somebody's height or weight, somebody's race or skin color, all of these should not be accepted. If it's something that a person can't change, please STFU. 

The right thing to do would be to have a 'damage control' person come and remove Chris Rock from the stage. The right thing to do would be to have everyone, and I mean EVERYONE booing Chris Rock, and even go as far as walking out in solidarity. Did y'all not advertise how poetically (full of) justice y'all are? Did y'all not show how virtuous you are in the face of social inequality?

And then the mockery came. Full disclaimer here, I am not a fan of Jada or Kim K. Yet no matter how rich or how out of touch or how 'weird' they are, it's not, nor ever is, a free pass to mock or harass them for something that's beyond their mean to change. Mock Kim K for her 'get your @$$ and work' comment, but not over Kanye attacking her. Laugh at Jada for her 'entanglement', but not for her medical condition. 

Yet it seems the more out-of-morality the person is, the more 'they deserve it'. The more fragile or innocent the person is, the more 'how (deliciously) awful'. Either way, we just want to engorge in other people's misery. We want to see the proud empire fall and the innocent kingdom swept away. We're giving it all for a quick laugh on a meme, disregarding how it feels to be someone who had to live through this.

And of course, the right thing to do will be to have a security guard so people like Will Smith or Kanye don't just go where they don't belong. I found trigger warnings on IG posts, and somehow the Oscars planners 'slipped' and let violence air? For real, boo. And after that the standing ovation. Sirs and Madams, your silence is what made the violence happen.

Think about it for a second. We are okaying violence that was done in the act of righteousness, in the act of chivalry. Who gets to decide which is righteous and which is chivalrous? If turns out he was just an abusive a-hole who doesn't like his toy being degraded by others because he's the only one who can degrade them, will we still stand up and clap and say dreamily "I wish I had Will Smith in my life"?

If there's anything to take from that night, it's that Hollywood's idea of justice and kindness is indeed faulty. It's superficial and fake at best, malicious and deceiving at worst. No one will want to risk their comfy position to do what's right. And history was indeed written by the winner, judging from the fact we are willing to overlook an assault, regardless of how justifiable it was, and even give a warm standing ovation after. No wonder Chris Brown is still in business.

As much as I wanted someone to stand up for me as Will Smith does for Jada, I wanted a life where I don't have to wish for it. A life where people won't make fun of me for things I can't change, or for being different. A life where people would just stand up for me immediately, leaving me with no time nor a chance to grieve for having to deal with that BS. Is it really that far-fetched?

PS: If it is staged, all the people who staged it can go to Hellz. The medical condition joke will trigger so much trauma from so many people who have had their medical conditions laughed at or dismissed. The violence will trigger so much trauma from so many people who have experienced violence firsthand, especially when seeing how it was embraced and honored after. I hope the rating is worth the amount of fuckery you incite on the people. But hey, it's only Hollywood amirite?

Happiness

Last year I cried on the floor, drinking plum wine and feeling utterly miserable. (Almost) exactly a year later I cried on the kitchen floor, drinking plum wine and feeling miserable. The difference was this time I was not alone. This time somebody was sitting with me on the kitchen floor, soothing me and patiently waiting for me to calm down.

When I first met my ex-husband I had people tell me that my continuously gushing over him was 'too much' and 'disgusting'. When he hurt me I thought they were right, so I put a lid on how much I share about my (now ex) boyfriend. It would be too embarrassing if I didn't make it again. And I didn't.

But why should happiness be embarrassing? Why are only people in 'successful relationship' allowed to share their happiness? What defines 'successful relationship'? A year without breaking up, 5 years, a decade? Why do we put a limit on when we are 'allowed' be happy?

My ex-husband love-bombed me but I was happy. Despite the massive dumpster fire that was our marriage there were times that I was happy. The same thing with my ex-bf and the trash bonfire that was our end. What happened after, the pain and the sadness and the trauma, it could never take away or erase the happiness I experienced. I shouldn't be embarrassed for being happy because of people who later on hurt me. It wasn't, shouldn't be, on me.

I am choosing happiness this time. I am not waiting to 'see how it goes'. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, I know just like with my other relationships I would have already expend all of my possible effort before accepting the defeat. Be it lasting 3 months or 3 years or 3 decades, I would have already tried my best. I am happy, and that's all that matters.